Bothering Alagaesia
by Emerald Tiara
Summary: Saturnina and Michelle go to Alagaesia and annoy the crap out of everyone... when two girls from 2006 meet two guys from Alagaesia, you know some crazy stuff is gonna happen.
1. Historic Boredom

**Here ye, hear ye! Here be this retarded story about two girls from 2006 that go to Alagaёsia! Then they meet Eragon and Murtagh and Durza and I swear it's really funny! But I have a weird sense of humor. And it's my first FanFic ever, so please don't be too harsh with the reviewing.**

**Disclaimer: if you think I own any of this you're crazy. And don't even think about suing me cuz I have seen like almost every episode of Judge Judy and I can totally beat you in court any day.**

**Anyway, here be da story!**

**Chapter One: Historic Boredom**

Saturnina wasn't her real name; it was her name in Latin class and she just liked it better so she made everybody call her that. Other than that, she was a normal girl, cell phone, iPod, high school junior. Last year she had started a book club with her best friend Michelle, known as Hilaria to the Latin community.

She had been sitting in History class and was extremely pissed-off that her teacher still called her Grace. She hated that name. (A/N: Grace is my real name and I don't really mind it, no offense to any people named it!) She had spent most of her time doodling and drawing pictures of her obsession, Eragon. More Saphira. Dragons kicked ass. That's what she thought anyway.

"Mrs Sanders, can I go to the nurse?"

"Class is over in five minutes, Grace, can't you wait?"

"No, I really need to go now. It's an emergency."

"Well, alright then, if it really is an emergency."

Anyway she left class and met up with Michelle outside.

"Haha, your name is just like hilarious." Michelle rolled her eyes. Saturnina did this every day.

"Shut up. Come on, let's go to the library. Class is over in a minute and its Wednesday. You know what that means . . ."

"CLUB TIME!" they both yelled. A teacher stuck her head out into the hallway.

"Do you mind? Students are _working_!"

Saturnina rolled her eyes and put on her iPod. Michelle grabbed the one earphone and they both started dancing really weirdly to _Stupid Girls _by Pink. That was their favorite song. . . . Because they were weird. Then the bell rang and the whole grade walked into the hallway and stared at them. The girls froze. Saturnina paused the song and looked around.

"Misch! Why is everyone staring at us!" whispered Saturnina.

"Um, maybe because we were dancing out of nowhere?" they glared at the whole grade.

"Staring is so_ rude_" yelled Saturnina, and they both ran like hell for the library, laughing like the maniacs they were.

**_I know it's kind of short but it's only the first chapter. Cut me some slack! Please read and review! And no flames even though I don't know what I could have done to make anyone mad yet! DRAGONS RULE!_**


	2. You're Weird, You Know

**Okay then, heres chapter 2, it's not very long but I really don't like to write! I'm only doing this because I had this dream and really wanted to get it out.**

**Disclaimer: if I owned any of this, you would be very much afraid.**

**Chapter Two: You're Weird, You Know**

When they finally got there they both doubled over laughing.

"Saturnina you are so weird!" exclaimed Michelle.

"I know but nobody's making you put up with it so you must be too!" answered Saturnina. They entered the library, still laughing.

"Hello girls nobody from your little club is here yet and please quiet down, this is a library after all!" the librarian greeted them. She was old. Really, really old. Like, in her eighties. All the freshmen thought she was a witch who would poison you if a book was overdue. And then she would hit you with the aforementioned book, just for kicks.

Saturnina quieted and started moving chairs to form a circle.

At that moment the entire book club walked in at once. They all sat down and dropped their bags.

"Alright everyone shut up and listen. First call to business. Who read Eragon?" everyone raised their hands including Saturnina.

"Saturnina I know _you_ read it. Put your hand down," snapped Michelle. Saturnina did.

Michelle continued, "Good because that was what we told you to read last time! Now, who finished it?" only two people put up their hands.

"Geez, how long does it take you guys to read?"

"Saturnina just because you read Harry Potter 5 in two days doesn't mean the rest of us can read super fast," retorted Samantha, a freshman.

"Okay then the rest of you get out your books and read, you guys who finished it move your butts over here," commanded Michelle.

Amy and David walked over. They had barely sat down when Saturnina straightened up and said,

"I just made up my mind. I totally want to go to Alagaёsia!"

"Saturnina . . . you know its not real, right?" Michelle stared.

"I know but I really wish I could go!"

Then a bright pink light flared around Saturnina. She grabbed Michelle as the library disappeared. To the students in the library, the last thing Saturnina said before vanishing was,

"I hate pink!"

When the light cleared they weren't in the library. They weren't even in the USA. They were in Alagaёsia, and two teenage guys with swords were staring at them warily.

_**Electronic Cookies to whoever can guess what the first thing Saturnina says to Eragon will be! I don't know if this is funny yet because I have a really weird sense of humor.**_


	3. Talk About An Early Marriage!

**Things should start picking up from here. This chapter contains Eldest spoilers. And this picks up the day before Eragon gets captured at Gil'ead, just to avoid any confusion.**

**Disclaimer: honestly, if you think I own any of this crap, please check into a mental ward.**

**Chapter Three: Talk About An Early Marriage!**

The boys stared at the girls. The girls stared at the boys. The boys stared back. The girls stared back. The one on the right was slightly older and had dark brown hair and eyes. The by on the left was similar, only younger and (in Saturnina's mind) cuter. Finally Saturnina decided to say what had been on her mind ever since the light had cleared. She opened her mouth and turned to the boy on the left.

"Ohmigod will you marry me?"

"Saturnina! You can't just go up to a complete stranger and want to marry him, even if he is a complete hottie! It's just rude!" Michelle sighed exasperatedly. She turned to the boys, who were now looking slightly alarmed.

"Hi, I'm- (she tried to find a cool name and just decided to go with her Latin one) –Hilaria, and this is my friend Saturnina. We've gotten kind of lost and don't know where we are. Who're you?" the boys (now looking very alarmed) looked at each other, then the 'cute' one stepped forward nervously and said "Well, I'm Eragon, this is Murtagh, and you're in the land of Alagaёsia, about a mile away from the city of Gil'ead." At this, Saturnina screamed and hugged Michelle.

"See! I told you it existed! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Michelle slapped the back of Saturnina's head.

"Shut up! I am _trying _to repair the damage!" she turned away from Saturnina and tried to start talking again, but Saturnina interrupted her.

"Hey Eragon, do you, like, know who Murtagh is?"

Eragon stared at her. "Yes . . ."

"Yeah, but do you like, _know_ who he _is?" _ Michelle made a choking noise, probably out of disbelief.

"Saturnina, I need to talk to you in private."

Once out of Eragon and Murtagh's hearing, Michelle rounded on Saturnina.

"Idiot!" she whispered furiously. "You can't go revealing the story! Even if you have read Eldest, you can't tell Eragon that Murtagh is his brother!"

"Why not? The book's already been published, we won't change anything."

"Don't you get it? We are IN the story! We are actually living the story! Exactly how it was written! And we have to keep it like that! Remember how you were always telling me what you would have done if you were Eragon?" Saturnina nodded. "Well, now you can finally tell Durza how much of an idiot he is. But, if you mess up the story enough, they might never even go to Gil'ead! They might not even rescue Arya!" Saturnina was shocked.

"That would be horrible!"

"You are hereby forbidden to tell them anything about what happens later on."

"What are you, my mother?" grumbled Saturnina.

"And," added Michelle as an afterthought, "If you dare scare Murtagh away, you don't even want to know what I will do to you. _Are we clear!"_ Saturnina nodded fervently. Michelle was even more obsessed with Murtagh than Saturnina was with Eragon. And that was saying something. No, I mean that's _really _saying a _lot_.

They then returned to Murtagh and Eragon, only to find a large, blue reptilian _thing_ standing with them. Michelle was mystified, but Saturnina had read the book more than Michelle and instantly recognized it as Saphira. She squealed, and promptly fainted. Nobody bothered to catch her.

By now Michelle had realized that this was Saphira, and immediately marched up to her.

_Hello Hilaria, _said Saphira. _Eragon told me that two very alarming girls appeared out of nowhere, and now he is very concerned. I would like an explanation. Now._

_Okay so what happened was, we were in the library at our school, when Saturnina here announced out of nowhere that she wanted to go to Alagaёsia. Then a light flared around us, and the next thing we knew we were here. With Eragon and Murtagh. . . . Yeah._

_Indeed, _said Saphira.

Saturnina groaned. "Eew, now I got dirt on me!"

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(A/n: from now on I will be referring to Michelle as Hilaria, since that is what she told Eragon her name was.)

That night, everyone sat around a fire and stared at each other. Again. For quite a long time.

"Can someone just say something?" demanded Saturnina.

"Eragon and I are still trying to cope with the idea that two complete strangers appeared out of nowhere and asked Eragon to marry them," retorted Murtagh.

"Oh."

"Can we just accept the fact that Saturnina is a bit mentally challenged and move on?" asked Hilaria irritably.

"Hey!"

"Okay, let do that," said Eragon. "We've gotten past the introductions, so I'll explain what's going on. We are on our way to Gil'ead, to find a man who can tell us where the Varden are. Then we're going to try to go to the Varden." Murtagh seemed to restrain himself at this.

After some more talking, well arguing really, about how Saturnina and Hilaria wanted to go with them, but Eragon and Murtagh didn't want them to. The girls won. Then they all went to sleep.

In the middle of the night Eragon woke them all up. "There are horses close by," he said. Then an Urgal appeared, and Eragon set it on fire. The a lot more Urgals appeared. Saturnina grabbed the sword from the one Eragon had burned, and immediately started fighting them off. She killed one Urgal, and then Hilaria grabbed that one's sword and started fighting. "Fly, Saphira!" screamed Eragon. Then Saturnina and Eragon both got knocked unconscious.

**Bwahahaha! I am the queen of cliffhangers! Although it isn't really a cliffhanger since I'm assuming all of you read _Eragon_. If not, what are you even doing here? And I don't know how long it will take me to update cuz my computer crashes frequently. Its 7 years old, for Christ's sake! REVIEW! And if there are any spellings or grammatical errors, please tell me. And if any of you don't know yet, from now on I will be referring to Michelle as Hilaria.**


	4. For Want Of A Frappuchino

**Yeah . . . I'm updating only cuz I feel like it. I wrote this chapter under the influence of quite a lot of Frappuchino-induced caffeine, so it might be a bit weird.**

**Disclaimer: that's IT! From now on I just won't put one up. If you actually care about this kind of thing, just go back to chapters 1-3.**

**Here's to my wonderful reviewers:**

**Bananasrokk (twice) hah, gotcha there didn't I?**

**Faelin Haldthin**

**Draye**

**Chapter Four: For Want Of A Frappuchino**

Saturnina groaned and sat up. She found she was in a stone dungeon, on a rough cot. Across the room, Eragon was on another bed, still unconscious. She yawned and tried to walk, only to find that it caused her an extreme headache. So she sat up and propped herself up against the stone wall behind her.

About an hour later, Eragon woke up. After another few minutes, he sat up. "Jesus, you're slow," muttered Saturnina. "Can you use magic?"

"What?" said Eragon.

"Are you deaf? Can . . . you . . . use . . . magic?"

"I don't think so . . . no. and I can't talk to Saphira either."

"Good to know," said Saturnina. She stood up, and, finding she could walk, went over to the window and looked out of it. It was on the same level as the ground. She saw a busy street, and many identical log buildings. Boring city, why couldn't they make it interesting? She then pulled herself up onto the windowsill, crossed her legs, and started meditating. She wished she had some incense.

Eragon abruptly sat up straight. "Can you think clearly?"

She opened an eye grumpily. "Yes . . ."

"Good then, we have something going for us. I would ask you to talk with Saphira, but I know you can't, so we'll just have to wait."

A man brought in trays of food, and Saturnina glared at it resentfully. It was thin soup and stale bread. God, she could use a Mocha Frappuchino right now. But the nearest Starbucks was in another dimension, and technically that was her fault.

Saturnina ate silently. Eragon ate a little, and almost vomited. She considered for a moment how entertaining it would be if Eragon threw up, but then there would be a huge puddle of puke on the floor with no one to clean it up. She shuddered at the thought.

After she was done, she just stared at the floor for a while. Then she smacked herself on the forehead.

"What's wrong?" asked Eragon.

"I just figured out three things: first, we're in Gil'ead. This means that sooner of later we're going to have to escape. Second, I left Hilaria alone with Murtagh. That is most definitely not good." She had a sudden mental image of Hilaria assaulting Murtagh, overcome by a fit of joy at being alone with her lust object, and grimaced. "Third, when we do get out of here, I need to steal a sword from the armory. Being unarmed in a city full of enemy soldiers is not a good idea." Eragon nodded.

Hours later, another man with food stopped by. Eragon this time ate it all, while Saturnina just stared at it. The craving for a Frappuchino was driving her nuts. Her task was now clear: she had to find a Frappuchino, or by God she was going to make one herself!

And that could well end in disaster.

She put the tray on the floor, stood on her bed, started jumping on it crazily like there was no tomorrow, and played air guitar. Eragon just stared at her.

"I'm bored as fish, and there's nothing else to do," she explained.

"Fish?"

"Yeah, all they do is swim in circles all day. They've gotta be bored."

Then Eragon took a nap. . . . And started snoring. Loudly. Saturnina groaned. Sleep was now completely unattainable. A few minutes later, loud marching was heard outside. Both she and Eragon dragged themselves to the door, and saw a long column of soldiers marching through. They all looked exactly alike, and they all walked at the same time. Eragon was impressed, but Saturnina just lifted an eyebrow.

"I've seen bigger parades in New York City," she grumbled. And she had. Last year she had been present at the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Then a break was seen in the ranks, and an unconscious woman was being carried through. They saw her face. She was extremely beautiful. Eragon gasped, while Saturnina wondered briefly if it was possible to find any coffee beans in Alagaёsia. Then they saw that she was an elf.

A man now passed by their cell, a man with fire-engine-red hair. Then he looked at them, and they both realized it was a Shade. With that realization, they both determinedly sat down, and went to sleep.

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

At that moment, Hilaria was not assaulting Murtagh. She was pacing furiously around the fire. Murtagh was seated, in deep thought. Saphira just sat there.

"Will you please sit down?" Murtagh burst out. "You're driving me crazy!"

"I will not sit down!" snapped Hilaria. "My best friend is stuck with Eragon in jail! And he probably got drugged, so they won't be able to escape for a few days." She swore violently.

"Well you know what that means, right? It means we have to rescue them." he also swore. "Then we'll have to go to the Varden." He cursed again.

_He did warn you, you know,_ stated Saphira. _Eragon told you that you would not be safe if you accompanied him. And watch your language,_ she added sternly. _Both of you._

"Waitaminute, can you talk to Saturnina? 'Cuz then we could make a plan," cut in Hilaria.

_No._ _Saturnina is too far away, anyway._

Hilaria finally sat down. "That's it, then. We have the rescue them."

Murtagh was faintly annoyed. "That's what I said in the first place."

"And if you decide to go rescue them without me, you'll be sorry you ever did by the time I'm done with you," Hilaria hissed with sudden venom.

"Did I say that?"

"No. But you never wanted us to travel with you guys in the first place."

" . . . Okay then. First things first: we have to make a plan."

"No, we're going to rescue them without any idea of what to do," said Hilaria sarcastically. "Do you think I'm that much of an idiot? Any ideas?"

"Yeah: we get into Gil'ead, sneak into the prison, and bust them out."

"Could you elaborate on that a bit? As in, explain just how to get _in_ prison."

"All guards accept bribes- I know that from experience. And even jails have sewers."

"Sewers?" repeated Hilaria disbelievingly. "_Sewers?_"

"Yes, the sewers. Then we get them out of Gil'ead. Here, take that." Murtagh handed Hilaria a long hunting knife.

"Fine. Now I'm going to sleep"

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When Saturnina awoke, Eragon was already up.

"Is your brain working yet?" she asked crossly.

"Yeah, but I still can't do anything."

"Dammit."

"Tell me about it," agreed Eragon.

Later that day, there was a commotion in the outside hallway. Arguing voices were heard outside.

"You can't go in there! The orders were clear: no one is to see them!"

"Really? Will you be the one to die stopping me, Captain?"

Saturnina and Eragon quickly glanced at each other. A few more words were exchanged, and then the Shade walked in.

The only thing that passed through Saturnina's mind was, _Damn, this guy's ugly. _He sat down and started talking to Eragon, thus making Saturnina bored enough to listen. She sincerely hoped that Eragon was only pretending to be stupid.

After asking Eragon a few things about names, the Shade turned to Saturnina.

"What is your name?" he asked. She answered defiantly.

"Saturnina, not like its any of your business." The Shade's eyes flashed angrily.

"…I see. And do you have another name, one few people know?"

Saturnina raised an eyebrow. "If I do, I don't know it. Now go away."

"Do not play with me, girl! I am much more powerful than you know!" growled the Shade.

"What are you gonna do, kill me?"

The Shade snarled, and Saturnina flew across the room to hit the opposite wall. She fell to the ground, blood trickling from her head where it had hit the wall.

He got up to leave, noticed that Eragon hadn't been drinking anything, and stopped. Then he left.

"You okay?" asked Eragon. Saturnina reached up and felt her head.

"Yeah, but I am going to have one nasty headache in the morning. By the way, I don't suppose you would know where I could find some coffee beans, ice, milk, sugar, and a blender?"

"What's a blender?"

Saturnina raised an eyebrow. Then she raised the other one. Then she made her eyebrows do the wave. Then she giggled. "For your information, I'm trying to make a Frappuchino. It's a frozen coffee thing."

And whereas Eragon usually was alarmed, now he just accepted it without comment. If he thought he was getting used to her, he was wrong. Saturnina had new levels of weirdness she hadn't even used yet.

**This chapter has now ended.**

**Review now, or forever hold your peace! This means you! Breaks into reader's mind and directs mouse to purple button**

**If you want me to update more often, REVIEW!**


	5. Hebrew and Mud Fights

**Thank you, my vohnderrful reviewers:**

**Bananasrokk**

**Childofthewilderness (long name!)**

**Chapter Five: Hebrew and Mud Fights**

Hilaria was not happy. She was getting her favorite pair of jeans ruined, and she was in the sewers. It had been three days since her last Iced Latte (Hilaria is to Iced Lattes as Saturnina is to Frappuchinos). It was definitely not her day.

"Are we almost there?"

"Yes, just a little bit further," replied Murtagh. His tone of voice told Hilaria that he was enjoying this as much as she was.

"Good. I hate sewers," she said.

"Its just water. . . . Extremely dirty water. Really, there's nothing to be scared of." Almost as soon as he had finished speaking, Murtagh jumped. "Was that a rat?"

"No, it was Shruikan. Of course it was a rat, you idiot!" Murtagh didn't say anything. Hilaria grinned.

"Are you afraid of _rats_?"

Murtagh marched off in a dignified silence. Hilaria tripped him and he fell face first into the water. He picked himself up and glared at her.

Then she saw a small mud pile and smiled to herself. A good mud fight would be just what Murtagh would need to loosen up. She slowly bent down and picked up a handful of glop . . .

SMACK! A mud ball landed on the wall, missing Murtagh by a finger. He whirled around.

"What was that for?" he screamed.

"Oh, I thought you needed to loosen up. Too bad I missed, though." Hilaria smiled innocently, but Murtagh picked up a handful of mud for himself and hurled it at the girl.

It hit her knee. Soon the mud was flying fast and furious, until Murtagh called a truce and they both got a good look at each other. They were both covered in mud.

"Oh great. Now we have to go back," muttered Murtagh.

"Why?"

"This mud is only going to slow us down."

They went back to their camp and washed off in a nearby stream. Without saying anything they both went to sleep.

When the sun rose, Hilaria and Murtagh tried once more to brave the sewers. They made it this time, without any muddy distractions.

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Saturnina sat bolt upright and screamed, "ANI K'TZI-TZAH V'ATAH BETZAH!"

Eragon stared at her. "What?"

Aack. She'd been screaming in Hebrew, only she had no idea what she'd been dreaming about.

"Don't ask." Eragon nodded slowly.

"On a better note," he said suddenly, "I can use magic again." This remark was met with wholehearted approval by Saturnina.

"Finally! So what's our plan of action?"

"Well. . . I don't really have one."

"So you idiot, ask Saphira."

"No wait, I remembered it. First, we get out of here. Then we free the elf. Then we stop by the armory, grab our weapons, and get the hell out of Gil'ead. Sound good to you?"

"Right. Now get inside that head of yours and unlock the door." Eragon did this, and the door clicked open. As they stepped out into the wide hallway, six soldiers came into view. "Oh shit," muttered Saturnina. The soldiers charged.

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Hilaria and Murtagh emerged in a stone hallway. They barely had time to look around before a group of soldiers ran past without even noticing them. Then they heard a noise from where the soldiers had ran to.

Hilaria peeked around the corner and saw Eragon and Saturnina trapped by the aforementioned soldiers. She grabbed Murtagh and went to help them.

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Eragon raised his hand and was about to use magic, but the sound of an arrow was heard. One man fell, and Saturnina looked around to see Murtagh, wielding a bow, and Hilaria, holding a dagger. She raised an eyebrow, and then grinned as her friend tossed a knife at her. She ducked, let it hit the opposite wall, and picked it up.

"What took you so long?"

"Oh, we would have come yesterday, but Hilaria here decided to initiate a mud war, so we had to wait until today," said Murtagh angrily.

Two more men were shot, Eragon killed another, and Hilaria was responsible for the death of a fifth. Saturnina had her dagger at the throat of the last man, and then let him drop to the ground. Eragon kneeled next to him.

Seeing the man clamp his mouth shut after Eragon interrogated him about his sword and the elf, Saturnina sighed. Eragon opened his mouth again, but-

"Don't bother," she said. She knelt next to Eragon, and punched the soldier where it hurts all men to be punched. Hilaria snorted with laughter at this. Always the same, Saturnina.

"Alright, weirdo, talk. Or my friend here will condemn you to a life of eternal misery. _Right?_" she glared at Eragon. He just stared at her.

"Who said we were friends?" Saturnina rolled her eyes and turned back to the soldier.

"Fine then._ I_ will make your life miserable." She raised a fist, ready to punch him again, when he started talking as fast as he could.

"Alright, alright, the elf's down the hall. His sword is probably in the armory. Just don't punch me again."

Saturnina sat back, a triumphant look on her face. Murtagh handed a ring of keys he'd stolen, and they went to where the elf was. As they opened the door, Murtagh gasped. The girls shook their heads. _Boys_

They entered a banquet room and Murtagh put the elf down on a table. Then he told Eragon to tell Saphira to 'wait another five minutes,' whatever that meant. He did that.

Then Murtagh, Hilaria, and Saturnina went to the armory. Murtagh picked up Eragon's sword, as well as what they assumed to be the elf's sword and bow. The girls grabbed a sword each from a pile in the corner. Saturnina also took a bow, and then stabbed a random suit of armor just for the hell of it.

They rejoined Eragon, and he then told Murtagh that there was a Shade here.

"Yeah, and he's butt-ugly, too," chimed in Saturnina.

"Ugly, Saturnina?" said a familiarly smooth voice. She turned around slowly, and saw the Shade standing in the doorway.

Saturnina cursed.

**Wheee! I love cliffhangers. **

**In Hebrew, _ani k'tzi-tzah_ _v'atah betzah_ means 'I am a hamburger and you are an egg'. I'm not sure if I transliterated that right, but whatever. My computer doesn't type in Hebrew. Hopefully you now have a better insight on what goes on in Saturnina's head. Or maybe not.**

**Please, make the world a better place! Review and find out what happens next! I only update when people review, so please don't send me multiple reviews and messages telling me to update (this means you).**


	6. Bloody Revenge

**Well hey; this is the most reviews I've ever gotten for one chapter. Thank you, peoples.**

**Velviof (): you make no sense at all. "MOMMY SHE MADE ME!"? What are you talking about?**

**Strike of Shadow: I'm glad people think it's funny!**

**SithSlayerBB: I know, isn't he?**

**Bananasrokk: Yeah, I hate cliffhangers too. I'm such a hypocrite.**

**Silver sliver: you rock. It is the best line ever, isn't it? Cool name, btw.**

**Fashiongoddess: he does it because I am the author of this Fan Fiction, and I decree it should be so! Anyway, they come from now, so they already knew what Eragon was going to do.**

**Adriannrod: um, if you want to review, please do it in English. **

**Chapter Six: Bloody Revenge**

_They rejoined Eragon, and he then told Murtagh that there was a Shade here. _

"_Yeah, and he's butt-ugly, too," chimed in Saturnina._

"_Ugly, Saturnina?" said a familiarly smooth voice. She turned around slowly, and saw the Shade standing in the doorway._

_Saturnina cursed._

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Murtagh reached for his bow.

"Wait," said Saturnina quietly. "This is personal." Hilaria stared at Saturnina, and then noticed a rather large patch of dried blood on the back of Saturnina's head. That must have hurt, she thought. Well, there was one thing Hilaria knew: she did not want to be caught in the middle of this fight.

Saturnina slowly held her sword in a ready position. Then the Shade attacked.

They fought furiously, neither losing ground. But Saturnina was tiring. The Shade was much too strong for her, even though at this point she had amputated three of his fingers.

"Who taught her how to fight?" whispered Eragon, completely oblivious to the fight around him.

"We taught each other. Actually, I don't know how she got so good. I thought we were both learning at the same pace," replied Hilaria.

"Yeah, but I distinctly remember you telling me you never practiced at home," called Saturnina. "That's where I pulled ahead."

They both looked at her. At this point she was backed up against a wall, with the Shade's sword at her throat. "A little help, here . . ." Murtagh grabbed his bow as another team of soldiers ran in.

The Shade smiled as Hilaria scrabbled for her sword. "Oh, no you don't," he said. "If anyone tries to attack me, Saturnina dies." Everyone froze.

"Oh for the love of Christ," muttered Saturnina. She kicked the Shade, threw his sword across the room, grabbed her sword, and put him in a headlock with her sword at _his_ throat.

"Eragon, tell Saphira to come now," she ordered. His face went blank for a moment, and then a large part of the ceiling was ripped off.

"Saphira, can you carry five?" shouted Hilaria over the confusion.

_No, I can barely carry three,_ responded Saphira.

"Okay then," said Saturnina, taking immediate charge of the situation, "Eragon, Murtagh, grab the elf and get on Saphira."

"But what about you?" cried Eragon.

"We need horses. How do you expect us to keep up with you?"

Hilaria intervened. "Actually, I bought horses for us. That's another reason why we were delayed."

"Oh, okay then."

While negotiating with Eragon, Saturnina had failed to notice the Shade creeping up behind her.

"Saturnina, behind you!" called Hilaria. Saturnina whirled around just in time to parry the Shade's sword. "I need help!" she yelled.

"Why? You were doing fine last time!"

"Yeah, but he's a Shade, I'm tired, and I chopped off three of his fingers! He's gotta be mad by now!"

"Point taken."

"Then do something!" screamed Saturnina, who narrowly missed having her arm severed. Then she instinctively looked to see if anyone was going to help her, and the Shade stabbed her in the shoulder and in the chest. Thank Shruikan he didn't hit her heart.

"Shit," she said, before falling to the ground. Murtagh shot the Shade, once in the shoulder and again on his forehead. He disappeared.

Hilaria rushed to Saturnina. She was barely conscious, and blood was pouring freely onto the floor. Her breathing was extremely shaky and her face was white as a ghost. Not good.

"Saturnina, if you die, I'll never talk to you again." She paused. "Eew, that sounds so cliché."

Saturnina smiled faintly. "Hilaria, if I die . . . tell my sister I love her," she whispered, before passing into unconsciousness.

Hilaria knew better than to contradict her. If a person insisted someone wouldn't die, then whichever god was in charge of death (presumably Hades) would know this person would be missed. Those kinds of people were Hades' favorite victims.

Eragon put Saturnina and the elf on Saphira's back. He then motioned for Hilaria to get on.

"Are you crazy? There is _no way_ I am going to just fly away and leave you and Murtagh to fight off fifty soldiers. Do you hear me? _No way in hell._"

"Just go!" shouted Eragon. He pushed her in the direction of Saphira.

"Fine, if you insist," Hilaria grumbled. She turned to Saphira. "As soon as we get off, go back to them."

_Of course._

As they took off, Hilaria saw Eragon and Murtagh fighting for their lives, and, on an impulse, she jumped off Saphira and into the battle.

"What are you doing?" asked Eragon furiously.

"I told you I wouldn't leave, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you agreed to!"

"And your point is . . . ?" Hilaria casually decapitated a soldier who was about to impale Eragon in the back.

"Thank you."

"Your welcome."

"Wait, arent we supposed to be arguing?"

"Oh, right."

Eragon immediately resumed being angry. "You can't just leave Saturnina and the elf alone! Someone needs to look after them!"

"Too late, I already did. And you had better know how to heal her, or by Helzvog I will hold a seance and make her ghost haunt you forever!"

At that moment, Saphira came back. Hilaria smiled, and stabbed a soldier through the stomach.

**I want at least ten more reviews before I put up chapter seven.**

**Should I just tell you if Saturnina dies? Nah, I'll let you suffer. Don't tell me I can't kill her; this is my story and I can kill whoever I damn want, do you hear me? I'd still have Hilaria to work with.**

**This is getting kind of dark, something I've been trying to avoid, but I'll try not to stray too much from the original path of insanity.**

**I am suffering major writers block. Any suggestions would be welcome. Of course, I don't necessarily have to use them . . . :)**

**Remember, reviews happy me. Happy me new chapter. New chapter happy you! **


	7. Alagaesian Starbucks Critics

**I decided to be nice (this happens rarely) and let her live. I was taking a vote. The final results were . . . **

**Die: 0 Live: 5 No comment: 5 (this is people who reviewed but didn't give an opinion). So there you go. It was entirely up to me. See, you CAN trust me not to kill my main characters!**

**Silver sliver: you kick butt, too. Oh randomness, we all have it in us. Wait, you broke off in the middle of an idea . . . I would have wanted to hear it, but oh well.**

**Adriannrod: well, her parents probably wouldn't know . . . **

**Bushes283: ye of little faith. As you see here, it is possible!**

**Bananasrokk: of course I wouldn't! Yeah, I had that idea too, only Eragon was going to realize it later. Maybe something will happen in Farthen Dur . . . **

**Arie Under Presure: why, thank you.**

**Michelle: I know, I know, I'm an idiot. Must you rub it in?**

**NeroShadow: you would think I'd know how many reviews I had . . . **

**MagicalKy: I don't write Harry Potter fan fiction.**

**IluvSarmatianKnights: you were right this time, but it won't always be true. And Murtagh is for Hilaria.**

**Luveroffanfic: no you don't! You were the tenth reviewer!**

**Chapter Seven: Alagaesian Starbucks Critics**

_Saturnina wandered through a misty forest. As she walked, she saw weird things, which kind of creeped her out:_

_She saw thirty differently colored floppy discs, all laughing at her . . . _

_She saw a dark blue sofa doing the tango with a scarlet footstool . . . _

_She saw what appeared to be her sister's senior prom, which was weird, because her sister hadn't even gone to it . . . _

_She saw a giant iPod, playing music but then switching to 'killer mode' and shooting laser beams at everybody . . . _

_She saw a pair of graduation hats, chatting about their vacation in St. Thomas . . . _

_Then she saw Hilaria, with a worried expression on her face, talking to her. _"Don't die! I'll never forgive myself if you die!"

_This made her laugh. "Why is it your fault?" she asked, even though she knew Hilaria wouldn't hear her. "How could it possibly be your fault?" _

_She was tired, very tired . . . she wanted to lie down and go to sleep, but she knew she shouldn't. What she saw next made her stop._

_There, sitting under a tree, was her sister Heather. She looked at her, and smiled. "Sit down," she said, and Saturnina sat._

Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

"Look, Hilaria," said Eragon, frustrated. "I've done all I can. It's up to her now."

They were half a league away from Gil'ead. Eragon had healed Saturnina as best as he could. Now she was lying under a tree, and Hilaria was frantic.

"Don't die!" she pleaded with her friend's motionless body. "I'll never forgive myself if you die!" She barely spared Murtagh a glance, only briefly glaring at him when he rolled his eyes at what she had said.

Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

_They were walking through a sunny meadow, when Saturnina had a thought. "Heather," she said, "How am I talking to you? I don't think you're dead."_

"_No, I'm not dead. You're not dead, either. You are merely floating between two worlds, that's why you can hear Michelle but still be talking to me."_

_Saturnina suddenly looked around randomly. "I smell coffee," she said. Heather laughed._

"_Yes," she said. "I think Michelle is trying to resurrect you with the smell of coffee."_

"_But you said I wasn't dead! How can she resurrect me if I'm not dead?" cried Saturnina._

_Heather looked at her, and resorted to normal older-sister behavior. "It's a figure of speech, you idiot. Goodbye, Saturnina."_

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Hilaria leaped up. "Coffee!" she yelled.

Murtagh stared at her. "What?"

"You see that bush over there? It has coffee beans growing on it!" she sprinted to the bush, and snapped off a branch. Then she ran to Saturnina.

Eragon caught on to what she was going to do. "Hilaria . . . I really don't think coffee is going to wake her up."

Hilaria held the branch under the unconscious girl's nose. "You just watch."

Sure enough, Saturnina's nose twitched, and her eyes flew open. "COFFEE!" she screeched. Eragon just sat there, dumbfounded.

"See? Told you it would work." Hilaria smiled. Saturnina had gotten up and was sniffing the air with her eyes closed, trying to find the coffee. She walked into the bush. "Coffee!"

Hilaria walked over to her. "Yes, coffee. We get the point. Here, take this." She handed Saturnina a lot of coffee beans and a cup, then walked over to Eragon with some water.

"Freeze this, please."

"What, the water?"

"No, the campfire. Of course the water, you idiot!" Eragon froze the water. "Good." She handed the ice to Saturnina, who began crushing it into little pieces. Hilaria sat beside her and began crushing the coffee beans. Completely ignoring the boys, they put the coffee and ice with some water into the cup, covered it, and shook it up.

Saturnina tried it first. "Mwahahahaha! I, Saturnina, have made . . . a Frappuchino!"

"Actually, I think it tastes more like an Iced Latte," opinioned Hilaria.

"Damn, you're right! So how do we make a Frappuchino, then?"

"Well, first we find a list of the ingredients."

"First we need milk and sugar, though. I cannot drink black coffee." Saturnina looked around. "Oh, hello," she said to the guys, noticing them for the first time.

"Hi. Are you feeling all right?"

"Yes . . . why?"

"You seem to have been brought from your deathbed by coffee."

"You got a problem with that?" Saturnina narrowed her eyes. "I haven't had coffee in three days. My caffeine level is low!"

". . . Okay then."

Hilaria intervened. "You see, Eragon, coffee contains caffeine. In the world we come from, caffeine wakes people up when they're tired. So, I thought caffeine would wake up Saturnina."

Saturnina stared at her. "That sounds messed up, even to me. Coffee is supposed to wake up people who are half asleep, not half dead!"

"It worked, why complain?"

Eragon was compelled to speak to Murtagh, if only out of need for civilized conversation. "What do you think of this?" he asked.

"Well, now we know that if we ever need to wake Saturnina from her deathbed, we just need coffee."

Hilaria led Saturnina over to where two horses were standing. She pointed to one. "This one's mine, her name is Persephone. This one's yours," she pointed to the second one. "Name it."

"Um . . . Eris."

"The goddess of chaos and discord?"

"Sure, why not?"

**I'll go easy on you and only demand five reviews.**

**I don't know if people from Alagaesia know what coffee is, but whatever. Maybe they only drink tea.**

**Heather calls Hilaria Michelle because that's her real name and she doesn't know that now she goes by Hilaria.**

**This chapter is kind of short because I can't find my copy of Eragon, and I'm too lazy to look for it. So for now the chapters are short until I remember what happens next.**

**My offer still stands: any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I might even be nice and use them . . . I'll have to wait until my muse gets back from her vacation and starts inspiring me. I gave her the week off. **

**Oh yeah, in chapter 5, I made I tiny grammar error in my Hebrew. _Ani k'tzi-tzah ha'atah betzah_ actually means 'I am a hamburger the you are an egg.' It should be _ani k'tzi-tzah v'atah betzah_. So I changed that**


	8. A Musical Desert

**I was bored, so I wrote this in English class today. You know what sucks? I got the desired 5 reviews, but . . . the last one came way before I was ready to post.**

**Silver sliver: I know what's going on, I found the book. Don't worry, Arya comes in soon.**

**Bananasrokk: yes, coffee is da bomb!**

**Fairy000Eclipse: thank you**

**Luveroffanfic: ooh, good idea. I have the perfect one . . . **

**Andrien: you do that.**

**To my other reviewers: Me: thank you. Draye: How very astute. (a/n: the reviewer 'me' is not myself. It is a reviewer who identified themselves as 'Me!') Hi: I don't think I can email you. And why are so many people named short, two-letter expressions and names?**

**Chapter Eight: A Musical Desert**

After two straight days of riding, during which Eragon finally used his brains and discovered how to get water in the desert, they reached the Ramr River.

Saphira offered to take everyone across. Murtagh volunteered to go first, to calm the horses. After him went Tornac, then Saturnina's horse, Eris. Then Hilaria's horse, Persephone. Then Eragon looked at Saturnina.

"Your turn."

"Duh." She climbed on Saphira, who took off. Saturnina let out a yell of surprise, and then started singing at the top of her lungs:

"_I believe I can fly,_

_I believe I can touch the sky,_

_I think about it every night and day,_

_Spread my wings and fly away."_

Saphira turned her head to look at the girl. _You don't have wings, I do._ Saturnina thought about this, then shrugged and continued singing.

_I believe I can soar,_

_I see me running through that open door,_

_I believe I can fly,_

_I believe I can fly,_

_I believe I can fly . . ."_

When she landed, she sat down next to Murtagh and the horses. He turned to her.

"You actually have quite a nice singing voice."

"Why, thank you."

"BACK OFF, SATURNINA! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!" yelled Hilaria, having just landed. Saturnina raised an eyebrow. "And you can?"

Hilaria shot her a withering glare. "Shut up, Grace."

"Hey!"

"Anyway, aren't you supposed to be obsessed with Eragon?"

"What?" said Eragon, who had just arrived. "What's going on?"

"Now see what you've done!" hissed Saturnina. Eragon was still confused. "Is anyone going to tell me what's going on?"

"NO!" they yelled. Eragon tuned to Murtagh. "Will _you_ tell me what's going on?"

"I would if I could, but I don't really know. My advice is to let it go."

Saturnina cleared her throat. Eragon and Murtagh looked at her. Both she and Hilaria were on their horses, and were looking at the guys expectantly. "Are you coming or not?" demanded Saturnina. The boys shook their heads and mounted their horses.

Then they reached the Hadarac Desert. The boys were so tired they could barely move, while the girls were bursting with energy.

Saphira was ecstatic. _I feel as though I was made for this desert. It has the space I need, mountains where I could roost, and camouflaged prey that I could spend days hunting. And the warmth! Cold does not disturb me, but this heat makes me feel alive and full of energy._

"Glad someone's happy," muttered Saturnina. She was bored. Then out of nowhere, she gave a shriek of delight. "Look!"

Hilaria came over. "What?"

"My iPod! I found it! I thought I lost it but I found it!"

Murtagh was annoyed. "What is this iPod that you speak of?"

"It's a thing you listen to music on. Here, listen to it." She browsed through her library, looking for an appropriate song, and Hilaria whispered in her ear. She listened and grinned evilly.

She stuck one earphone in Murtagh's ear and one in Eragon's. Then she pressed play. The boys found themselves listening to . . .

"Gold Digger" by Kanye West! _Dun dun duuuunnnnnnnn!_ They sat with the expressions of horror on their faces growing more prominent with every verse. "You actually _like_ this song!" Eragon was appalled. Saturnina and Hilaria cracked up.

"Wait, there's more." Hilaria grabbed the iPod, and put on another song. It was . . .

"Beep" by the Pussycat Dolls! _Dun dun duuuunnnnnnnn! _ Eragon thrust the iPod into Saturnina's hands and went to sleep. Murtagh followed suit.

After around four hours, they got up and began riding again. At sunset they stopped; all of them were sunburned. Eragon drew water from the ground and they all had a drink.

When they got up the next day, it was freezing. Like, seriously freezing. Freeze-your-butt-off freezing. Eragon was not in a good mood. Murtagh was in a worse one. Saturnina was just happy that it wasn't hot out. Hilaria loved cold. She was happy.

At noon, Saturnina was the first one to spot the Beor Mountains. "Look!" The boys had no idea what they were looking at. Hilaria rode off singing towards the mountains.

"_Dancing through life  
skimming the surface  
gliding where turf is smooth  
Life's more painless  
for the brainless  
Why think too hard?"_

That evening, they left the desert for a bunch of dirt and grass. Oh well, its better than sand.

Eragon was amazed that he was out of the Empire. The girls and Murtagh gave no opinion. Out of nowhere, Eragon walked over to the elf and sat down. He was still for a moment, and then cringed. After another minute, he was still again.

Nearly fifteen minutes later, he took a breath and opened his eyes. "Well?" demanded Saturnina. "Who is she?"

"Her name is Arya, and I've been talking to her." Eragon told them all about his conversation with Arya. Murtagh was fuming. "We have to get to the Varden in _three days?_"

Then Murtagh and Eragon started a fist fight. When Eragon kicked the fire and an ember landed on Saturnina, she looked at Saphira and shouted, "Do something!"

Saphira whacked the ground with her tail, and when that didn't stop them, she trapped Eragon and Murtagh with her claws. After a few seconds of silent communication with Saphira, Eragon turned to Murtagh.

"She wants us to talk about our feelings." Saphira growled to confirm this.

Saturnina raised an eyebrow. "What are you, a psychologist?"

**I hope to get to the Varden in this chapter or the next, but you never know.**

**My muse had a nice vacation in the Bahamas, and is now ready to start inspiring me.**

**There's quite a lot of spontaneous singing in the chapter, isn't there? I do not own R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" or "Dancing through Life" from Wicked. Or "Gold Digger" by Kanye West and "Beep" by the Pussycat Dolls.**

**The iPod thing was the idea of Luveroffanfic.**

**I didn't describe the Arya scene very well, I know, but the book doesn't show how it looks from an outside perspective. So even though I have the book open in front of me as I type this, it really isn't helping.**


	9. Idiotslayer

**So sorry it took me this long, but I left my book at school for the weekend and then was bitten by three of the lack-of-inspiration bunnies (sort of the opposite of a plot bunny).**

**Bananasrokk: you're right, they can't lie . . . hee hee hee.**

**Irishgypsygirl: thank you for revealing your identity. Aloha yourself.**

**Luveroffanfic: yes our music does kick ass, doesn't it?**

**Silver sliver: well, now the sand is gone . . . **

**Soggybox: thank you very much.**

**Argetlam-Meg: well, I am a very whimsical person.**

**Chapter Nine: Idiotslayer**

_Saturnina, do you have a death wish?_

"No . . ."

_Then don't ask an extremely annoyed dragon if she is a psychologist._

Eragon looked at Murtagh. "You go first." Murtagh rolled his eyes, but started talking.

"I do not want to go to the Varden. They will expect things I can't give them."

"And how does that make you feel?" inquired Hilaria in true Freudian style. She was barely able to keep a straight face. Murtagh glared at her.

"It makes me feel like I want you to shut up."

The next morning, Saturnina started crying out of nowhere. "What's wrong?" asked Hilaria.

"Today's my 16th birthday," sobbed Saturnina. "I was going to get a car!"

Hilaria stared at her. "I can see why you would be upset," she said, "but why would you worry about a car? You are in Alagaesia, for crying out loud! This is much more exciting than Driver's Ed!"

"Ooh, good point." And with that, they mounted their horses and started riding while Murtagh and Eragon reviewed that little scene in their heads. They mutually decided to just pretend they had understood everything, even though they hadn't. And what the hell was a car?

Near midday they stopped and let the horses drink at a small pond. Murtagh suddenly drew his sword and pointed at a hill on which twenty horsemen sat. "Are they Varden?"

"Nah, arent they supposed to be miles away?" asked Saturnina.

"I think they're bandits," said Hilaria.

"Should we outrun them?" asked Eragon.

"It wouldn't work. Eris and Persephone were made for running, but Tornac and Snowfire weren't," responded Murtagh.

The men on the hill suddenly charged at them with much yelling and screaming. _So uncivilized,_ thought Saturnina. When the four of them were surrounded, the leader walked up to them and looked them over. "Well, these are nice and healthy, much better than what we usually find!" said the man.

"What do you want?" asked Murtagh. "We are free people and you have no right to stop us."

"Oh, I think I do. You're certainly rebellious; slaves should be better behaved." Saturnina glanced at Hilaria and saw her eyes turning red. With great alarm, she started backing away from her.

The man narrowed his eyes. "Drop your weapons and surrender!"

One of the men gaped. He had found Arya, and shouted to his leader. "Torkenbrand, this one's an elf! How much is she worth?"

"Fortunes. We could get mountains of gold for her!"

Saphira came diving out of the sky. Hilaria suddenly attacked. Throwing herself upon the slavers, she started hacking heads off left and right. She didn't stop until only four were alive. They ran, quite wisely in Saturnina's opinion.

Eragon stared at Hilaria and Murtagh, who had killed Torkenbrand. "What is wrong with you people!" he shouted. "Why did you have to go on a killing spree?"

"They were idiots. My mission in life is to obliterate the idiots," said Hilaria flatly, and went to clean her sword. Saturnina followed her, and they could hear Murtagh and Eragon arguing behind them.

"So, you want to kill idiots?" Hilaria nodded. "Aright, then. I hereby dub you Hilaria Idiotslayer. That is now your official title."

They laughed and went back to the guys. "All right, Eragon and Murtagh, her name is now Hilaria Idiotslayer," said Saturnina. They mounted their horses and left the site of Hilaria's bloodbath.

**Okay, I suck. I wait forever to post and then give you this pathetically short chapter. I couldn't help it. The chapter was done, but my editor Michelle a.k.a. Hilaria was in Boston for two days and couldn't check her e-mail. And don't blame, me it was her idea to be named Hilaria Idiotslayer. She threatened me with more of the lack-of-inspiration bunnies!**

**It sucks. I obeyed her, but I still have writer's block. If you have a possible idea, please review and tell! Thank you.**

**Before we leave, I would like to propose a toast. To Hilaria Idiotslayer!**


	10. Kull

**After making you wait so long for Chapter 9 and then making it so short, I decided to give you two in one day.**

**Chapter Ten: Kull**

That morning, Eragon took off on Saphira to get away from Murtagh and Hilaria. And Saturnina too, but that was just because she was freaky.

About an hour later, Eragon landed and reported that the Urgals were overtaking them.

"How far do we still have to go?" asked Murtagh.

"Four years," smirked Saturnina.

"Three days," said Eragon, glaring at her, "but unless we get there tomorrow, Arya will die."

"Are you suggesting that we go for thirteen hours without sleep?" asked Hilaria angrily.

"I could let you fly off with Saphira and Arya, and we three could stay here . . ." Murtagh let his sentence trail off.

"Suicide," said Eragon. "I won't leave you to be slaughtered by monsters."

"Hilaria could do what she did yesterday," offered Murtagh, but Hilaria shook her head.

"Urgals arent idiots. I only go into killer mode around idiots. But when Saturnina gets angry . . . let me just say, it isnt pretty." Saturnina grinned savagely.

"I refuse to leave you behind," said Eragon stubbornly.

"Fine."

With a new resolve, they rode on, but the Urgals continued to get nearer. Through the night they alternated sleeping in the saddles, with whoever was awake guiding the horses. Somehow, it seemed to Saturnina as if it was her turn more often than anyone else.

In the morning, Eragon told them that it was the last day. "If we don't get to the Varden by noon, I'll have to fly ahead. You can go wherever you want, but take Snowfire with you."

"Calm down, we still have time. And if you think I am going to miss out on this you have another thing coming. I'll just follow on foot to the Varden," asserted Saturnina. Eragon accepted this without complaint.

Later that morning, Hilaria spotted the river that was supposed to lead them to the Varden. Deciding to try and evade the Urgals by going into a forest, they passed under the trees.

"The forest is old. Full of memories . . . and anger," quoted Saturnina from _Lord of the Rings_.

"We should leave as soon as we can. It is not happy to see us here," added Hilaria. Indeed, it seemed as though the forest was trying to make them turn around. The underbrush got thicker, forcing Saphira to take flight.

When they reached the mouth of the valley, Saturnina and Hilaria ran ahead. "Geez, are you coming?" they demanded. "We need to get to the Varden!"

"Is there any way I can get out of this valley once we're in it? The Urgals are almost on top of us!"

"Oh, cool it, you big worry-wart," said Hilaria, elbowing her way past him. "There'll be a way out."

"Watch Arya, I'm going to go flying with Saphira."

After a few minutes, Eragon and Saphira disappeared into the clouds. They soon came down again, both soaking wet. Before landing, though, Eragon apparently tried to call up some fog to hinder the Urgals. It didn't work. Instead, Saphira came diving down, Eragon limp on her back.

"The Urgals have entered the valley," he reported. He looked around. "Where are the girls?"

"They disappeared somewhere. I hope they don't run into the Urgals."

"Saphira says they're larger than any we've seen so far."

Murtagh swore. "If she's right, then they are-"

"Kull," said the Hilaria and Saturnina simultaneously, appearing from nowhere.

"How do you know about Kull?" asked Murtagh suspiciously. "And where were you?"

"Up in a tree. You have to be careful when talking, because you never know when we're listening . . ." They smiled disarmingly. "We have our sources. Kull are like super Urgals, eight feet tall and its reeeeally hard to kill them."

"Are they right?" asked Eragon.

"For the most part," responded Murtagh. Eragon ate some bread, and they were off as Eragon clambered onto Saphira.

Apparently deciding something, they dived down and dropped boulders on them. Continuing this for most of the day, the Urgals were hindered but not stopped. As the sun set, they landed.

"We're almost there," he said. "How's Arya?"

"She's not dead," responded Saturnina.

"Yet," added Hilaria grimly.

"Is there somewhere I can leave?" demanded Murtagh.

"I don't think so . . ."

"This is your fault! I told you I didn't want to go to the Varden, but now I have to! Why didn't you say this was a dead end?"

"Chill, dude," said Saturnina.

"Why are you so dead set against going to the Varden? Would you rather fight Kull than tell us?" insisted Eragon.

"Here comes the explosion," whispered Hilaria to Saturnina.

"3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . ." responded the girl.

Murtagh looked at them. "You have a right to know. I am the son of Morzan, first and last of the Forsworn."

**So not a cliffy, but whatever. I know, this was supposed to be payment for my miserably short chapter nine, but I felt that my readership needed a chapter NOW.**


	11. Enter Mr Baldy

**Bananasrokk: what, you mean you have a pet lack-of-inspiration bunny? Where'd you get one of those?**

**Squire: yes, we sometimes use our real names in Latin too, but our Latin names are much more interesting!**

**Blizzardstar2000: a combination of the book in front of me and constant emails to my editor, Michelle.**

**DragonRider2000: thank you so much!**

**Careenah: okaaay . . . **

**Herm-Own-Ninny879: I guess it's just part of my magic ;)**

**Chapter Eleven: Enter Mr. Baldy**

"What the _hell_?" Eragon was in utter shock. "Say that again, he doesn't seem to have heard you," said Hilaria. Murtagh sighed.

"My father is Morzan. Happy?" he glared at the girls.

Saphira appeared in the trees. _Careful, _she warned. _He may be able to use magic._

"You are his heir?" asked Eragon suspiciously.

"It's not like I chose this! Look!" Murtagh revealed a large and fairly painful-looking scar on his back. "When I was three, Morzan threw the sword you now carry at me. I was lucky—a nearby healer stopped me from dying. You have to understand, I do not, by any means, serve the Empire. I mean you no harm."

"Then your father was killed by . . ."

"Yes, Brom." A horn sounded. "Come on, guys!" shouted Saturnina. "You either stay to discuss Murtagh and get hacked to pieces, or you escape now and talk about this later!" She and Hilaria darted through the woods. Murtagh and Eragon followed.

"How do I know you're not lying?"

"Why would I lie?"

"You—"

"I can't prove anything now. Wait until we get to the Varden. They'll know me."

"Do you serve the Empire?"

"He already said no, dimwit! Now come on!"

As they ran, Eragon and Murtagh kept talking. "You could be leading the Urgals to the Varden."

"Why am I still here? I know where they are, I wouldn't need to still be traveling with you three."

"Maybe you're an assassin."

"Eragon, use your common sense!" cried Hilaria. "If he was trying to hurt you, he already would have!"

_You took the words right out of my head,_ said Saphira.

"Unless he wanted to make a statement by killing Eragon right in front of the Varden," said Saturnina thoughtfully.

They reached the edge of the forest. The pebble beach stretched away narrowly around the lake Kostha-merna, and the waterfall gleamed in the starlight. Saturnina turned to Hilaria. "If I had some paints and a canvas, I would paint this."

"You would be killed by Urgals," said Eragon.

"Screw them," responded Saturnina.

"Do we go to the falls?" asked Murtagh.

"Duh," said Hilaria.

Picking their way around the lake on the slippery stones, Saturnina and Hilaria slipped more than once, and with muttered curses picked themselves up. After the fourth time, however, they gave up and walked in the water. Saphira followed behind.

"Urgals!" warned Murtagh.

Dark figures poured out from under the trees. They split up and went around both sides of the lake, cutting off the humans' escape.

"Run!" said Murtagh, as Saphira flew toward the Kull with the girls in hot pursuit.

"Hilaria! Saturnina! Come on!" shouted Eragon. Hilaria glared at him, and came running back. Saturnina remained. She also glared, but didn't move.

As the first Urgal came, the teenager's eyes lit up and she went crazy. With her sword. Chopping down Kull left and right, she would have continued her carnage if Saphira hadn't seen her and dumped her into the lake. Coming to the surface, she inhaled loudly and swam to the waterfall.

Meeting the rest of them there, Saturnina climbed out of the water and waited as Eragon grabbed a large rock and banged the cliff, yelling "Ai varden abr du Shur'tugalar gata vanta!"

When nothing happened, Hilaria elbowed him out of the way and jumped into the waterfall. "They're on the other side, num-nut!"

The boys sheathed their swords and followed her. Saturnina killed a few more of the monsters, then reluctantly dove in.

Hilaria thanked whatever god existed that she had gone on that trip to Puerto Rico and gone swimming under a waterfall. Because of this, she was not stupid enough to go directly under the falls like Eragon was. She swam to the outside of the falls and looked underwater at Eragon and Murtagh struggling under the waterfall. _Idiots,_ she thought. _You're making it harder._

Saturnina took an alternative route through the back of the waterfall. Likewise, she thought the boys were being idiots.

Coming up for air at the other side of the pool, the girls hi-fived each other. Looking back, they saw Murtagh being held at knifepoint and Eragon being helped by a dwarf. They all entered a huge tunnel and stood to the side as Eragon and Murtagh were threatened by a really tall ugly bald guy. The bald dude turned to them.

"The same goes for you," he snarled. If you try to help him, he dies. And so will you."

"Oh wow, not like it's the first time I've been threatened," muttered Saturnina.

"Dude, you have serious issues. Were your parents abusive when you were a kid? Did you have problems at home?" asked Hilaria. Saturnina turned on her.

"Hilaria. I know you want to major in psychotherapy when you get to college, but do you always have to pick exactly the wrong times to practice?" she turned and addressed the bald guy. "Mr. Baldy," she said, "If you try to kill me, I won't end up dead. You will."

**Not wise to threaten Mr. Baldy! What will happen now that they're in the clutches of the Varden? Find out in the next installment of Bothering Alagaesia!**

**(I'm sorry, I can't connect 'Mr. Baldy' with 'the Twins' without laughing.)**

**Have fun waiting!**


	12. Inside Saturnina's Mind

**Silver sliver: yeah, but I'll wait till a bit later to get a reaction out of them.**

**Herm-Own-Ninny879: Thank you, thank you, I'm here for the next five years . . . **

**TheCheapTickets: if crazy people were self-respecting, they wouldn't be crazy.**

**Luveroffanfic: what boys? How dumb could what boys be? Cuz Saturnina's a girl. .**

**Bananasrokk: yes, we all hate them, don't we?**

**Michelle: OMG you actually reviewed! You are so weird!**

**Maddy midnight: insanity is what makes the world go round.**

**Callernumber16onz100: DO YOU SEE 'ROMANCE' LISTED AS A GENRE? I do not write sappy romance fics! Eragon might realize something, but nothing else will happen. Eragon will move on to moon after Arya. Saturnina and Hilaria will be their own crazy selves. Murtagh will get captured at Farthen Dûr. C_rosses arms and looks away_ I stick to the book.**

**Chapter Twelve: Inside Saturnina's Mind**

The bald man glared at them. "It is unwise to insult me."

Saturnina shrugged. "How am I insulting you? You're bald and you threatened me."

The man turned away and faced Eragon. Eragon tried to tell him about Arya, but the man was always yelling over him.

"Don't you get it?" yelled Saturnina. The bald man turned to yell at her. "Silence! It must wait—" Saturnina finished her sentence by yelling over him.

"THERE IS AN INJURED ELF!" she bellowed, completely drowning out the baldy. Breathing deeply, she said more calmly, "There is an injured elf that needs attention right now!"

The man glared at her. She glared right back at him. "It has to wait," he said angrily. "No one is to leave this room until we examine you."

Hilaria stepped in. "Hello? Injured elf? Maybe this will help: her name is Arya!"

The dwarf moved forward. "Arya? The dragon-egg holder?" Hilaria nodded. The dwarf turned to the bald guy. "Are you mad, Egraz Carn? Ajihad and Hrothgar will kill us if we let Arya die!"

The man trembled with anger. "Of course we wouldn't want that to happen, Orik." He looked at two soldiers. "Get her off the dragon!" they hurried to comply.

Mr. Baldy took several deep breaths in a failed attempt to calm himself. "Since you have violated my patience, you will be examined first," he said to Saturnina.

"Whatever." She shrugged. The bald man muttered something and Saturnina went rigid. She closed her eyes and tried to resist crying out as Mr. Baldy sifted through her thoughts.

As the bald man attacked her mind, he suddenly saw a giant blue snail with hands rushing at him holding a sword in both of its hands. It let out an incomprehensible war cry and went on the offensive. "Be gone, evil presence!" it shouted.

_Now, now, Hanna. How many times have I told you not to attack the things in my head?_ The snail whined. "Awwwww, come on!"

_Now,_ Saturnina ordered. The snail gloomily retreated. "You always have to ruin my fun."

_Sorry about that,_ thought Saturnina. _Hanna attacks anything and everything in my head. She has a few issues with strangers._

She stood helplessly as he went from her birth onward. He spent an incomprehensible amount of time on her infancy, until she was forced to ask past gritted teeth, "What is it that so interests you about my first words?" He did not reply.

Moving on to her kindergarten years. He seemed to be deliberately causing pain, but that was only to be expected. _He must really be pissed,_ she thought.

_I heard that,_ snapped his voice in her head. _And yes, I am._

He lingered on her first date. Mucho confusion was emanating from him. _What?_ She snarled. _What is so confusing about my first date?_

_This town is like none I've ever seen,_ he replied. _What are these colored metal things zooming on the roads?_

_Cars. Duh._

Now she was reliving her first day of high school. Then onto the formation of her and Michelle's book club . . . and their entrance to Alagaesia.

He was so surprised that he almost withdrew from her mind. Well, that was predictable. She didn't understand it herself. He quickly went through their adventures with Eragon and Murtagh, and the arrival at the Varden.

The probe extracted itself from her head, and she trembled and fell to the floor. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she demanded. "I agree with Hilaria on this one. You definitely have issues."

Now it was Hilaria's turn. She shuddered while being examined, and when released, she likewise fell. "Yep. You have problems," she said.

Eragon went through much of the same thing, only he didn't say anything. "You went too far," commented Orik. "Well, are they friends?"

"They . . . are not our enemies."

Baldy approached Murtagh. "Your turn."

"No. Eragon and the girls have been proclaimed trustworthy, so you cannot possibly try to threaten them to convince me."

"I can threaten your own life."

"It won't work."

"Dude, have some common sense," sighed Saturnina. "Him or me?" asked Murtagh.

"Both."

They both glared at her. Mr. Baldy turned to Murtagh again. "You don't have a choice!" he put his hand on Murtagh's forehead and attempted to force his way into his mind. Orik leapt forward.

"Ilf carnz orodûm," he said. "That is enough!" Baldy whirled furiously on him.

"You questioned my leadership and opened the gates, and now this! You have displayed an insolent amount of treachery! Will your king protect you now?"

"You would have allowed them to die! The Urgals would have killed them!" he took a few deep breaths. "We cannot torture him for information. Ajihad will not allow it. Not after you found the Rider innocent. And they brought us Arya."

"Will you let him enter without challenge? Would you let your foolishness bring doom upon us all?"

Saturnina grinned evilly and snuck up behind the bald man. Hilaria caught on and followed her. "DOOM!" they both shouted. He turned slowly.

"You two," he said, trembling with anger, "are going to get it." They smiled innocently.

Baldy spoke to Eragon. "Because I was unable to complete my search, you and your . . . friends will stay here for the night." He turned on his heel and left. The dwarf muttered something, and followed the man out of the room. The door shut.

"I didn't tell them who you were," said Eragon finally.

"Thank you," said Murtagh tightly. He looked at the girls. "Did you?"

They shook their heads. "How?" asked Eragon. "You don't know how to keep people from seeing things!"

"We weren't paying attention, so there was nothing for him to find."

"Ah."

"So, Murtagh," said Hilaria amicably. "I can tell Eragon is burning with a need to know about you, so why don't you tell him?"

Murtagh was uneasy. "Well . . . I can see you're not about to leave me alone about it . . . so okay. I am the only child of one of the Forsworn. My parents met in a small town while my father was traveling on business. Morzan was kind to my mother, so she accompanied him when he left.

"She fell in love with him. Morzan was delighted. He saw the benefits of having a servant who wouldn't betray him. He taught her mediocre bits of magic, to keep her hidden. He did his best to protect her from the other twelve; they might have betrayed him.

"After three years my mother became pregnant. My father took her away to his castle and laid powerful spells to prevent anyone but for a few servants to enter. I was born and given to a nurse so my mother could go back to Morzan. We saw each other every few months, but that was it.

"Another three years passed. I received the scar on my back. I would have grown to manhood like this if Morzan hadn't gone hunting for Saphira's egg. Once he left, my mother vanished. Morzan died on his mission, and my mother came back after many months. She died in a fortnight. The king arranged for my upbringing.

"When I turned eighteen, I was summoned to the king for dinner. It was good food; the king watched me throughout the entire meal. When we were done eating, he spoke. He wove pictures of glittering cities, centers of civilization. They would be filled with warriors, craftsmen, musicians, philosophers. The Urgals would be destroyed. Peace would flow through the land. I listened for quite a while. I eagerly pledged myself to him.

"After several months, he ordered me to destroy Cantos, where the Varden would hide occasionally. I asked what to do with the innocents, and he shouted, 'burn them all! They are all traitors!' I fled that night. I decided to follow the Ra'zac for I had heard rumors of a new Rider, and I found you."

Saturnina stared at him. "Whoa," she whispered with awe. "You are one lucky guy."

Even Hilaria was taken aback by this one. "Are you nuts?"

"He had an awesome life!" she said, eyes wide. "Kept in secret, never bonding with his parents, always living in the shadows! Ah, the subterfuge! The deception! The secrets! You met the frickin' King, for God's sake! You were forced to live in hiding!"

Murtagh stared. Eragon stared. Saphira stared. Hilaria grinned. "Good point," she stated.

The door opened and two loaves of bread and a hunk of meat were pushed through. Then the door closed again. Saturnina ignored the food and went to sleep. Eragon looked at Hilaria.

"Care to explain your friend's oddities?"

Hilaria sighed. "Saturnina . . . well, she . . . oh I don't know. She wants what she can't have, I guess. Where we come from, it's always the same. It's not bad, but she's the kind of person who longs for excitement. She always wanted to be in a world like this."

"So I see," remarked Murtagh dryly.

"She acts really weird because that's how she is. She's random. A bit too random sometimes. She's smart, though. If she needs to, she'll think up an excellent strategy in minutes, but when her intellect isn't needed, she puts it away."

"I'm flattered," muttered Saturnina. She opened her eyes. "Well done, Hilaria, I do believe you have just summed me up correctly." She looked at the boys.

"Hilaria, on the other hand, always acts smart. She will only be random when she feels like it. Actually, not really. But she will think up a strategy even when she doesn't need one. She always thinks before she acts. Maybe she's smarter than me."

**Okay, I had to throw that one in there. No I didn't. Whatever. Alright, peoples, I've got some news. I'm going to camp tomorrow. So don't expect any new chapters until mid-August. But don't worry! I will write over the summer, so expect chapters when I get back!**

**Hanna says hello. Everybody say hi, Hanna! (A bit of info for you: Hanna is a blue snail that inhabits my head and attacks anything new that enters it. Makes it very hard to study for finals.)**

**And I am not guilty in the slightest for leaving you all to suffer, waiting for new chapters, while I run off to camp and get tan and meet guys and pretty much have the time of my life. My conscience is nonexistent.**


	13. The First Amendment

**Holá, dear readers! I am SO sorry this took literally forever but whatever!**

**K.A.T. Hiwatari: your grudging acceptance has encouraged me.**

**Bananasrokk: dear girl, I noticed. Hyper is better.**

**Blizzardstar2000: I appreciate it.**

**DragonRider2000: Here you go.**

**Herm-Own-Ninny879: Hanna would kill you for saying that.**

**Mistress-of-Misery: um . . . are you psychic? 'Cuz if its not dark now, it sure is going to be later . . . **

**Silver sliver: indeed we are. Oddness is funness!**

**Crimson and Chrome 42: um . . . what's the Dustbuster?**

**Lady Venya of the lake: Thanks.**

**Callernumber16onz100: don't be sorry. I'm a goddamn hypocrite and actually you were right. There will be some romance later on. Aw shit, I did NOT just say that! Um . . . _you saw nothing!_**

**As a quick note, I am SO sorry, I KNOW this chapter took forever but the ideas _just didn't come!_**

**Chapter 13: The First Amendment**

Baldy stopped at the end of the tunnel. "You will ride upon your dragon now. Do not attempt to fly away. People will be watching, so remember who you are."

"I'm ready," said Eragon.

"Yeah right," muttered Saturnina to Hilaria. Hilaria snickered. The doors opened, revealing a huge crater. A tiny opening in the top let in a small amount of sunlight. Gigantic icicles, arrayed randomly around the cavern, posed a direct challenge to Vermont. A glittering white mountain-like _thing_ lay in the center of the open space. Orik spoke.

"Look well humans, for nobody has seen this for over a hundred years. This is Farthen Dûr, discovered by the father of our race, Korgan, while tunneling for gold. In the center stands our greatest accomplishment: Tronjheim, the marble city-mountain."

Saturnina barely heard him. She was too absorbed in trying to figure out how best to get revenge at Mr. Baldy for giving her the biggest headache she'd ever had last night. Hmm . . . Maybe she could glue fake hair to his head! Yeah, that would work. Now, where to find fake hair . . .

Hilaria stepped on her foot. She looked up and noticed that she was supposed to be walking at that moment in time. As she walked, she noticed that she and Hilaria were drawing many scandalized looks from the large crowd.

"Why are they staring at us?" she whispered to her friend.

"Maybe because in medieval-ish times girls are supposed to wear dresses, or at least real pants," replied Hilaria. She was right. Saturnina was wearing a black spaghetti-strap tank top that stated "**The_ COFFEE ADDICT _shall rule the world!**" and jean cutoffs (in the desert she had 'borrowed' Murtagh's knife and cut her pants). Hilaria was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

_Whoa._ Tronjheim was _cool_. Reflections from lanterns in every window cast a warm glow over the flowing white marble. Hundreds of windows looked out over Farthen Dûr. A couple of 30-foot-high golden griffins stood guard at a massive wooden gate, which opened to reveal a four-story passageway that lead to the heart of Tronjheim. The ground level doors were closed and probably locked, but the upper three floors were filled with people cheering their hearts out. Sucks to be them—sore-throat medicine didn't exist in Alagaesia.

The hallway ended. They were suddenly in a large (that's an understatement—the room was huge) circular chamber over a thousand feet high. Saturnina looked up and tripped over Saphira's tail. Hilaria poked her, and then similarly tripped because she too was looking at the gorgeous ceiling.

A ginourmous red sapphire _was_ the ceiling. It was carved to be a blooming rose, so detailed that it looked almost real. Many lanterns were arranged around the gem so that they cast pink rays of light over everything else.

The bald guy stopped. "You must go on foot now." A bunch of people booed, but baldy ignored them. Eragon shrugged and got off Saphira. Hilaria and Saturnina rolled their eyes. After walking some more down a smaller hallway, they stopped in front of a massive black door. Mr. Baldy opened it, and everyone went inside.

Saturnina found herself in an elegant study. A dark-skinned man was seated behind a walnut desk.

"Welcome to Tronjheim, Eragon and Saphira. I am Ajihad. Please seat yourselves." Eragon, Murtagh, Hilaria and Saturnina sat in four armchairs. Saphira crouched behind them.

A bald guy suddenly walked out of the back of the room and stood next to the other bald guy. Eragon stared. Murtagh stiffened. Saphira and Saturnina hissed. Hilaria raised her eyebrows.

"Your confusion is understandable—they are twin brothers. They have no names," said Ajihad. Saturnina bared her teeth. _Damn! Now I have to find TWO wigs!_

Ajihad looked the four of them over. Then he focused on Murtagh. "You have put me in a very difficult position by refusing to be examined. You have only been allowed into Farthen Dûr because the Twins are certain they can control you and because of your actions concerning Eragon and Arya. I can understand how there would be things you wish to keep hidden, but until you let us in, we can't trust you."

"You wouldn't trust me anyway."

Ajihad narrowed his eyes. "It's been twenty three years since I heard it . . . but I know that voice. It came from someone more beast than human. Get up." Murtagh warily stood. "Remove your shirt and turn around."

Murtagh complied, revealing his scar. Ajihad rounded on the Twins. "Did you know of this!"

"We discovered his name in Eragon's mind, but it never occurred to us that this boy was the son of one so powerful as Morzan. We didn't suspect—"

"And you didn't tell me?" he held up a hand to silence them. "We will talk later. First I must untangle this muddle." He turned to Murtagh. "Do you still refuse to be probed?"

"Yes. I won't let anyone inside my head."

"There will be consequences if you don't. Unless we can be sure you're not a threat, we cannot give you credence, despite, or maybe because of, the help you have given Eragon. Without verification, the people of the Varden will tear you apart if they find you. I will be forced to confine you at all times, as much for your protection as ours. It can only get worse if the dwarf King Hrothgar demands custody of you. Don't force yourself into an easily avoidable situation."

Murtagh shook his head. Prepared for a long talk, Saturnina turned to Hilaria. "Do you know where I could find fake hair?"

"No. Why would you _want_ fake hair?"

"So I can glue it to their heads." Saturnina nodded in the direction of the Twins.

Hilaria sighed pityingly. "Saturnina," she said patiently, "fake hair has not yet been invented in Alagaesia."

"Okay then . . . what do you suggest as a form of revenge?" Two minutes later they emerged from their huddle in time to hear Eragon say, "So what now?"

"I need you," replied Ajihad, "to tell me of everything that happened since you found Saphira. Some I know from what Brom said, other parts from the Twins. But I need the full; story from you, especially about Brom's death." Recognizing the signal for another long talk, Saturnina zoned it out until from in the depths of her brain she faintly heard " . . . and Murtagh was just telling me about Dormnad when suddenly, quite a lot of pink fog and a bright pink light filled the clearing and two girls appeared out of nowhere."

Saturnina doubled over with silent laughter. Ajihad looked at Eragon like he was crazy. There was silence, then Hilaria and Saturnina could no longer hold it in and burst out laughing. "He's telling the truth," gasped Hilaria.

"Really, he is! We were in our own land when I suddenly said, I want to go to Alagaesia! So a pink light flashed and we ended up here!" choked Saturnina.

"So it's pretty much Saturnina's fault."

Ajihad raised his eyebrows. Saturnina shrugged. Eragon looked at them oddly, then completed his tale.

"Brom's death is a horrible loss. He was my close friend and a powerful ally to the Varden. Even now, in death, he has provided us with the one thing to ensure our success—you. You are like a puzzle no one knows how to solve, Eragon. (a/n: I am fully aware I just skipped a huge part, but it was boring.) Nobody knows what you _want_. This makes you dangerous to Galbatorix. He fears you because he doesn't know what you will do next."

Saturnina spoke. "If Galbatorix ever meets _me_, he sure as hell better be scared! If we ever cross paths, he is going to _die_."

Ajihad looked at her warily. " . . . I see. Do you intend to fulfill your shirt?"

"Huh?"

"Do you wish to rule the world?"

"No! It's just a shirt, dude." Saturnina thought about it. "Technically, this whole adventure has brought on withdrawal, so I guess I'm not an addict anymore . . . damn."

"Some might take offense."

Saturnina shook her head in frustration. "It's just a shirt! Freedom of press! It's right in the First Amendment!"

"Which is . . . ?" asked Eragon.

"Never mind," said Hilaria. "Saturnina . . . whatever." She turned to Ajihad. "We'll just excuse ourselves so we don't cause anymore trouble."

**Once again, I am sorry for the horrific delay, but I just kept losing interest in this chapter! Then of course I had to e-mail Michelle, which only furthered the delay, because she checks her e-mail about twice a week.**

**But come on, it was chapter 13! How unlucky! Weak excuse, I know. _Iamsosorry!_**


	14. Revanche Est Le Mien!

**Holy shit . . school started today. . . where has the summer gone?**

**callernumber16onz100: yeah, right. Anyway, homework will impede my updating abilities. drowns self in pool of despair**

**alsdssg: everyone hates them. that's what makes them _them_.**

**inlovewitharider: but that line's in chapter 3 . . . and you reviewed chapter 1 . . . huh?**

**silver sliver: actually you did spell it right, and I know I took forever, so . . . yeah.**

**bananasrokk: you might actually have something there . . . **

**Okay . . . I couldn't really think of anything random for this one, so . . . bear with me, okay?**

**Chapter Fourteen: Revanche Est Le Mien! (Revenge is mine)**

"Okay. Do we have ze French dictionary?" whispered Saturnina in her fake French accent.

"Oui," replied Hilaria.

"Ze bad word dictionary?"

"Oui."

"Do we have ze buttfor?"

"What's ze buttfor?"

"For pooping, silly." Seeing Hilaria's confused face, Saturnina gave a very exasperated sigh. "You 'ave never seen ze South Park movie, 'ave you?"

"Non."

"Are zey coming?" hissed Saturnina, poking her head out from behind the doorway she was hiding in.

"Yes, zey are coming! Now stop whispering in my ear. Eet eez making my ear cold," said Hilaria.

"Merde! 'Ere zey are!" The girls jumped into the hallway, thus blocking the Twins' progress.

"Bonjour, comment allez-vous? Je pense que tu as besoin d'aller à la bibliothèque," said Saturnina in perfect French.

"What?" was the response. Hilaria stepped in. "Non, vraiment, Eragon a demandé votre aide."

"What are you saying, girl?"

"Ce qui nous disons, vous salaud fourbe, est que nous sommes plus intelligent que vous."

"They insult us," said one of the Twins.

"Indeed," replied his brother.

"Et comment votre cul!" said Hilaria, then they an off giggling.

"That was funny! I liked the part where they finally figured out that we were insulting him."

"Let's insult them in Spanish next time!" suggested Hilaria.

"Then we can do Italian! But now I'm bored." Saturnina sat down on a random bench.

"Hmm . . . if memory serves me right, Eragon is currently visiting Angela at this time." Hilaria looked thoughtful.

"Ooh, I wanna meet Solembum! Maybe he'll talk to us."

"Okay then, let's go!"

They first went to the dragonhold to ask Saphira for directions. Using her live feedback from Eragon's mind, they knocked on Angela's door.

"Who is it?"

"It's us, open up in the name of all things French!" They faintly heard Eragon groaning as the door opened.

"No matter where I go . . . no matter where I hide . . . They always find me . . ."

"Oh, be quiet, Saphira gave us directions. Hi, I'm Saturnina. And this is Hilaria." They shook hands with Angela, a short woman with short, dark curly hair.

"The infamous Saturnina and Hilaria. What, exactly, is French?"

" . . ." Hilaria and Saturnina exchanged dark looks. "Don't ask."

"Anyway," interrupted Eragon, "Angela was about to explain why she was here. Angela?"

"Oh yes. Well, when I heard you mention Brom's name in Teirm, I sensed a return of the past in Alagaesia. People were whispering about a new Rider. I knew the Varden's egg must have hatched, so I closed my shop and came here to learn more."

"You knew about the egg?" asked Eragon.

"Of course. I'm not an idiot. There's very little I do not know about. I've been around much longer than you would believe. I knew I had to get to the Varden as soon as possible. I've been here for about a month now, though I don't really like this place. And everyone in Farthen Dûr is so noble and serious. They're probably all doomed to tragic deaths anyway. And the dwarves are just a superstitious bunch of ninnies content to hammer rocks all their lives. The only redeeming aspect of this place is all the fungi that grow here."

"Excuse me," said Saturnina, "but the last time I was serious was when I was in seventh grade, and I think you're being quite stereotypical—"

"Why stay if you don't like it?" asked Eragon, completely bowling over Saturnina. She sputtered angrily, then whapped the impolite Dragon Rider on the head.

"Because I like to be where things are happening. And if I had stayed in Teirm, Solembum would have left without me, and I like his company. But—"

She was cut off as the werecat in question approached Saturnina and Hilaria. _Listen closely. I will tell you three things. When you think your friend is gone, remember the second book._ This was directed at Saturnina. The next words were for both of them._ And when battle comes and your destruction seems unavoidable, remember who you are and what you can do. Lastly, when one of you is in a dark place with no hope of succeeding, the other must lend her greatest defense to aid in that one's struggle. That is all._

Angela spoke. "I won't ask what he told you. But I do ask that you keep it secret and to be sure you can trust anyone you do tell."

The girls looked at each other and made a mutual decision to discuss it later. "We will. Please, continue with your conversation. We'll just go now."

They went back to the room they had been given without speaking. When they got there, Saturnina sat on her bed and faced Hilaria. "That was _weird_. What'd it mean?"

"Well, let's see. We know that one of us is going to be gone somewhere, and it has to do with a 'second book'. What's that?"

"I don't know. Can we not think about this now?"

"Okay. Lets go insult the Twins in Spanish!"

Ten minutes later, we once again find the girls facing the Twins in a random hallway, armed with a spanish dictionary.

"Bienvenidos, idiotas. Como están?" said Saturnina.

"Girl, if you do not stop speaking gibberish to us . . ."

"Que van a hacer? Comernos?"

**After so many reviews about my atrocious French and Spanish, I would like to give credit to fuzzynaveljewelry for the French and to Angelina-Gave1 for the Spanish.**

**French:**

**Bonjour, comment allez-vous? Je pense que tu as besoin d'aller à la bibliothèque.**

**Hello, how do you do? I think you are needed at the library.**

**Non, vraiment, Eragon a demandé votre aide.**

**No, really, Eragon requested your assistance.**

**Ce qui nous disons, vous salaud fourbe, est que nous sommes plus intelligent que vous.**

**What we are saying, you two-faced bastard, is that we are more intelligent than you.**

**Et comment votre cul!**

**You bet your ass!**

**Spanish:**

**Bienvenidos, idiotas. Como están?**

**Greetings, idiots. How are you?**

**Que van a hacer? Comernos?**

**What will you do? Eat us?**

**Me and Michelle's new Latin teacher? Yeah, he is EVIL. For one thing he's a guy. Second, he's OLD. Third, he talks too fast, and fourth, I can't read his handwriting. Plus, he totally ganged up on Michelle and I just because we're the only girls in the class and made us move our seats apart for _no good reason._**

**That's all for chapter 14!**


	15. Arya Equals Competition

**Hi. I would just like to say that Mr. I-Come-Straight-From-Hell (new Latin teacher) is evil. He keeps calling me Claire, today he called me 'Gracie-poo,' and yesterday he called James 'young lady.' James is a boy. And he called Michelle 'Miss Chocolate Mousse.' One more time and we're filing a complaint.**

**After getting so many reviews informing me of my atrocious French and Spanish, I finally went back and revised it, so chapter 14 now contains good grammar.**

**alsdssg: just wait and see . . . **

**Angelina-Gave1: ah. Well, this story also covers Eldest, so I suggest reading it. Go to a library!**

**Draye: Unite!**

**fuzzynaveljewelry: thanks.**

**callernumber16onz100: it comes into play later.**

**Crimson and Chrome 42: I thank you.**

**silver sliver: I've actually done that before . . . ah, werecats, where would we be without them?**

**Elevenya: argh! The polar bears are attacking! GIVE IT A REST, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M UPDATING? I myself happen to like cinnamon sugar cookies better, but Anakin was always a weirdo.**

**Chapter 15: Arya Equals Competition**

Saturnina narrowed her eyes. The Twins looked at her with hatred clearly written on their faces, but they turned to Eragon instead. "We were ordered by Ajihad to test Eragon in magic, before you tire him out banging on pieces of metal."

"Why can't someone else test him?" asked the giant named Fredric.

"No one else is strong enough," they sniffed.

"Strong enough to do what? Ask him to do stuff?" asked Hilaria. "Or were you planning to use magic against him?"

"Be quiet, girl!"

Saturnina laughed. "You do realize you have no authority over me, right?" one of the Twins opened his mouth to argue. Saturnina stopped him. "Nevertheless, we concede."

Saturnina, Hilaria, Fredric and Orik followed Eragon and the Twins. "We can't let them go too far," muttered Orik.

"Way to go, Captain Obvious, I think Hilaria and I want to go practice some archery, RIGHT?" said Saturnina loudly. She shot Hilaria a murderous glare that meant only one thing: Agree with me. NOW.

" . . . Yeah, we're going to the archery range." Once they were out of earshot, Hilaria said, "What was that about?"

Saturnina smiled pleasantly and waved to the Twins, who were looking at them very suspiciously. "Oh, I thought we needed to talk. And my absolute suckyness at archery is pissing me off. We need to practice."

Hilaria sighed. "It's That Time Of The Month again, isnt it?"

"Indeed. Now let's go find something to shoot."

Actually, the girls never made it to the archery range. They came hurrying back to Eragon and the Twins as a very beautiful woman approached. The same thought ran through everyone's heads.

_Is Eragon CRAZY?_

Everyone, of course, meaning Saturnina and Hilaria.

_Are you telling me he doesn't fall in love with her until LATER?_

Hilaria looked at Saturnina desperately and mouthed random sounds. The same thing again went through their heads.

_We HAVE to get them together!_

_Eragon will kill us. More importantly, Arya will kill us. Crap. WHATEVER!_

The girls knew opportunity when it approached them.

_YAHOOOOOOOO!_

Arya spoke. "Shame! Shame to ask of him what only a master can do. Shame that you should use such methods. Shame that you told Ajihad you didn't know Eragon's abilities. He is competent. Now leave!" she pointed at a silver ring the Twins held. "Arget!"

A shimmering image of the ring appeared. This apparition was purer, and glowed white. The Twins fled.

Saturnina sulked. Now she was going to have some serious competition for Scariest Female In Tronjheim. SOOO frustrating! _I have spent careful years plotting my rise to scariness! I have almost succeeded in being the scariest in the grade! They practically gave me an AWARD! And now this elf girl comes in and thinks she can totally just rip apart everything I've built? She has got some learning to do._

Arya abruptly turned and walked to the center of the training field. "I claim the right of trial by arms. Draw your sword."

_Nice_. Saturnina grinned as Eragon slowly raised his sword. _Let's see your butt get BUS-TED _. . .

A small crowd had gathered. _Busted in front of a crowd, even better_.

Eragon adopted a ready position. Arya did the same.

The battle was on.

**1 hour later**

"I'm bored," muttered Saturnina. She got no reply. Hilaria had fallen asleep some time ago. "Damn insomnia therapy! It doesn't work at all! Why couldn't I have fallen asleep?" She looked up. The pair had frozen with Arya's sword at Eragon's neck.

"You have passed," said the elf quietly. Applause rippled through the crowd. Arya beckoned to Eragon and walked off. Saturnina stood, but a quick glare from Eragon told her she was NOT allowed to come. She growled.

"You suck."

"And you are annoying. Go away."

Hilaria giggled. "Ooh, Saturnina got _dissed_."

"Shove it, smart person." Saturnina jabbed her sword into the dirt as Saphira took off. "Okay. What's our game plan?"

"For getting Arya and Eragon together? I thought we could maybe . . ." they walked back to Tronjheim, deep in discussion.

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Saturnina grumbled as loud pounding on the door woke her up. "Whaddayawant?"

"Great trouble!" a dwarf stood at the door. Hilaria sat up. "What's going on?"

"You must come! Ajihad summons you!"

"No explanation forthcoming?" asked Hilaria, rubbing her eyes.

"I do not know anything, I was told to bring you to Ajihad!"

"Fine, _be_ that way." Saturnina slammed the door. "Christ, can't even sleep around here!"

Ten minutes later they were in Ajihad's study with Orik, Eragon, Ajihad, Arya, and Jörmundur, Ajihad's second in command.

Eragon was shocked. "Why are you two here?"

"You think I know?" Hilaria sat down and Saturnina settled on the floor.

Ajihad looked at them all. "I roused the seven of you because we are all in grave danger. Half an hour ago a dwarf ran out of an abandoned tunnel. He was bleeding and nearly incoherent, but he managed to tell the dwarves what was chasing him: an army of Urgals at most a day's march from here."

Jörmundur swore. Orik began asking questions. Arya was silent. Saturnina narrowed her eyes. Hilaria woke up.

"Quiet!" yelled Ajihad. "The Urgals aren't approaching over land, but under it. They're in the tunnels. We're going to be attacked from below."

Eragon, naturally, was confused. "Why didn't we know of this sooner? How did they find the tunnels?"

"Oh calm down," scoffed Saturnina. "Just rouse the army, tell them what happened, and let me and Hilaria do our thing."

"It's that easy?" asked Orik, one eyebrow raised.

"Yes. It is."

"And what exactly is your 'thing?'" asked Ajihad.

The girls smiled. "Just give me a sword, and let Hilaria do whatever she needs to. I guarantee, it'll help." Saturnina grinned savagely.

Hilaria spoke up. "Okay, I'm going to need about four hundred deflated volleyballs . . ."

**Volleyballs, did I hear you ask? Well, I can't tell you now, but bear with me . . . **

**I'm so sorry this took so long, but I had to find a plot bunny and force it to bite me. Actually, the volleyball thing was Michelle's idea. It's gonna be good.**


	16. Flaming Volleyballs

**DragonRider2000: heh heh . . . **

**alsdssg: well, we're all crazy.**

**bananasrokk: et comment votre cul!**

**Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: well how would YOU carry four hundred volleyballs about ¾ of a foot wide each? As to where they find them . . . you'll see! Or maybe not.**

**Elevanya: Bring it on, I'll send my army of blue snails after you! THIS IS WAR!**

**silver sliver: hee hee! **

**You know what's crazy? My email appears to have gone on strike and no longer alerts me when I have reviews!**

**Chapter Sixteen: Flaming Volleyballs**

"What. The. Hell."

A large pile of metal plates stood next to Orik. Saturnina's eyebrows shot up. Hilaria blinked quite a few times.

"Dragon armor, of course! You didn't think that dragons went into battle unprotected? Saphira isn't too big yet, so this should fit her pretty well."

Ten minutes later, Saphira was bedecked in armor. _How does it look?_

"Really, really creepy," stated Hilaria. A man approached. "Progress report! Did you find any volleyballs?"

"Not sure, Idiotslayer. We found a lot of something, but we weren't sure what they were."

"Let's see."

He untied a large sack he carried. Indeed, four hundred deflated volleyballs spilled out onto the ground.

"Yep, those are volleyballs!"

Orik looked at her oddly. "Have you decided to tell us what you're going to do with those yet?"

"Yeah, even I don't know what you're plotting!" said a very annoyed Saturnina.

"If you must know," sighed Hilaria, "Urgals play volleyball. It's one of their sports."

This was met with profound silence. "Okay," said Saturnina finally, "where does that get us?"

"If they see the volleyballs coming, they'll try to bump them and burn their hands off, or maybe go up in flames. In theory. Eragon, you and I will have to stick together so you can inflate them. I'll be setting them on fire, btw."

"Damn, Hilaria. That's good," said Saturnina.

They started to walk off, but were stopped by Orik. "Not so fast. You two get armor, too."

"Oh. Really?"

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The night dragged on.

Murtagh and Ajihad had joined them, and Saturnina and Hilaria had occupied themselves with the task of becoming accustomed to chain mail.

The night still dragged on.

"That's it!" burst Hilaria. "Does anyone have anything for me to do?"

Saturnina reached for her backpack. She had been carrying it when she and Hilaria were transported to Alagaesia, and it was now very beat up.

"Wanna play Uno?"

"Why in hell did you have an Uno pack in your backpack?"

"I don't know. Wanna play?"

Eragon, Arya, and Murtagh joined the game, and Saturnina started to explain the rules. ". . . and when you have one card left, you yell 'Uno!', and then you just have to get rid of that card and you win!"

"Um . . ."

Thirty minutes later, no one had won. "Reverse!" yelled Murtagh.

"Uno!" shouted Eragon.

"Oh YEAH? Take that! Wild card, I pick green!" yelled Saturnina.

"Damn you."

"Uno!" said Arya. "And I believe I win," she said a minute later, after putting her last card, a green seven, on the deck. She walked away.

Just as they were about to play for second place, someone yelled, "I hear them!" Saturnina quickly packed up the game and shoved her backpack under a rock, out of harm's way.

Sharp Urgals cries broke the tension. "Eragon! Inflate!" yelled Hilaria. The Rider shook his head and blew up five of the balls. Hilaria dipped them in a barrel of oil and dropped them into a stone basin with a small fire burning inside, and hurled them into the Urgal ranks.

The Urgals looked up, surprised to see volleyballs flying above them. Then four small games broke out, and with them, fights. Hilaria's theory worked perfectly, and soon fifteen Urgals had burned to death. Apparently, Urgal sweat was flammable.

Saturnina didn't bother with fancy tricks, preferring instead to grab her sword and dive into the enemy. Soon, heads were rolling. Not including Saturnina's.

Hilaria paused in her fire-setting. "Oh, dear," she remarked. "I advise you not to get in Saturnina's way."

"Why not?"

"Well . . . I don't really know how to describe this, but . . . okay. So there's this thing called the Bloodwrath, right? And when someone gets it, their eyes turn red, and anyone who gets in their way? Dead. A person with the Bloodwrath doesn't care who they're killing, as long as they're killing someone. Any Varden in Saturnina's way will die."

"Woah."

"Yep. Trust me; you do not want to get in her way."

They looked at the crazed teenaged girl. She was surrounded by Kull, and was inflicting serious injuries, but Saturnina herself was unharmed.

"Okay then . . . pick a target."

"That group over there, they're causing a lot of trouble."

"SERVICE!" yelled Hilaria as she served a burning volleyball into the group. A shout rang out.

"Girl! Watch where you are throwing those things!"

"Oops. Sorry!" she yelled. "It won't happen again!"

"What happe—" Eragon's question was answered as the Urgals group broke up and several Varden warriors emerged. Among them were the Twins.

On fire.

Saturnina fell down laughing. "Brilliant, Hilaria!" she shouted, then immediately leaped up as an Urgal slashed at her leg. "That was underhanded!" screeched the girl.

"Okay, I'm down to twenty more volleyballs! After that, we're on our own. Hi, Angela!" she said as the witch and Solembum flashed by.

"No time for that! Urgals are trying to break into Tronjheim!"

"Shit. You have a plan?" Saturnina appeared next to them.

"No."

"Well, I do." And within seconds, the three of them and Arya were seated on Saphira's back. Then an Urgal came running through the battle and smashed a hammer into Saphira's chest. The dragon roared and took off towards the dragonhold.

"Nice," said Saturnina. "I like it." she looked down at the floor. "Is that seriously the Isidar Mithrim?"

"Yes. Can we hurry? Urgals are breaking in and we have virtually no way of getting down."

"Exquises-moi." Hilaria pointed. "Wouldn't that take us down?" She pointed at Vol Turin, the Endless Staircase.

"Do you have a death wish?" asked Eragon, eyebrows raised.

"No." Hilaria grabbed a leather pad and threw herself onto the slide.

"Well, no choice but to follow!" said Saturnina brightly, and hurtled off down towards the heart of Tronjheim.

Eragon rolled his eyes and followed. When he arrived . . .

(a/n: you have no clue how tempted I was to end the chapter here!)

"Well, shitsticks." Saturnina was looking at the giant hole in the floor, from which Urgals were emerging.

But then came Durza. "Oh, now we're really screwed!" said Hilaria.

**Well. Chapter 16 done. Happy Birthday to me! I turned 13 today!**

**So, by skipping quite a lot of the book, I've managed to shorten the time from five chapters to two until . . . .well, I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might incriminate me. You'll find out soon enough anyway.**

**Disclaimer renewal: I'm in no control of anything. I don't even own the Bloodwrath. How pathetic am I?**


	17. Urgalfighter

**Greetings!**

**alsdssg: don't worry- everyone walks out of this with a nickname.**

**Aneet: I thank you.**

**Azulcat: I don't actually _like_ chocolate all that much . . . **

**bananasrokk: coffee deprivation sucks. I havent had any in sooooo long!**

**callernumber16onz100: computers deserve to live! Except maybe mine.**

**Diamondchild: inside voice. Please.**

**DragonRider2000: fire away (get it?)**

**Draye: yeah . . . **

**Elevanya: what if the snails are all armed with BATTLEAXES?**

**Invaderm: thanks.**

**Megalomaniac-Dude: who's mortal? I'm certainly not!**

**Lady Venya of the isle: huh!**

**Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: Nope, you shall never find out!**

**silver sliver: he's evil.**

**Chapter Seventeen: Urgalfighter**

"Indeed, we are screwed!" said Hilaria again.

"Yep, that about pretty much sums it up . . ." stated Saturnina.

Durza glared at them all. "We meet again," he hissed. "You were foolish to escape from me in Gil'ead. It will only make things worse for you in the end."

"You'll never take me alive," Eragon growled.

"Wanna bet?" whispered Hilaria.

"Is that so?" Durza raised his eyebrows. "I don't see your friend Murtagh around to help you. You can't stop me now. No one can!"

"I am getting so pissed off . . ." muttered Saturnina. "And when I get pissed off, I kill people."

She lunged for Durza, simultaneously yelling "Frappuchino!"

Durza flicked his wrist and sent a bolt of red light at her. It missed, but only by a little. But still . . .

_Like hell if I'm going to fight this guy again!_ Saturnina didn't get up, preferring to play dead.

"Crap. Do you have a plan?" asked Hilaria

Eragon blinked.

"Wimp. Anyway, when Saturnina admits we're screwed, then you know that we are in fact screwed."

"This is supposed to help raise morale?"

"No."

Durza attacked, stabbing at Eragon. Knocking the wind out of him, he charged at Hilaria, who immediately jumped out of the way. The Shade crashed into the wall.

Cue canned laughter.

"You will pay for that," he growled. Eragon suddenly and out of nowhere stabbed Durza's arm and fell down. Durza charged.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" This, my friends, is the sound Eragon makes when his back gets cut open.

Hilaria rolled over in order to avoid the random and spastic stabs at her body. This resulted in a broken nose.

She stood. "Oh, you are going to get it now!" she charged.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!" This is the sound Hilaria makes when she get punched in the stomach while at the same time having her arm hacked open. She lay on the ground, writhing in pain.

The ceiling exploded without warning. Fragments of the Star Rose rained down. Saphira came tumbling through the air, opening her wings in mid-flight as she went spiraling in a vertical dive. Arya was on her back, hand blazing in a haze of green magic.

Eragon slowly stirred. Hilaria sprang up and grabbed his arm, pulling him to his feet. He grasped Zar'roc and murmured one word: "Brisingr!"

Zar'roc glowed in a cold blue light. Eragon lunged forward and plunged it straight through the Shade's heart. Durza stood in shocked silence, and then screamed a long, horrible scream. Three dark forms escaped from a long dark tear, and he vanished. Eragon fell unconscious to the floor.

Saphira landed nearby, and Arya tiredly slid off her back, raised her hands, and lowered them slowly. The shattered fragments of Isidar Mithrim gradually alighted on the floor.

Saphira nosed Eragon. He didn't move. Hilaria looked around tiredly and dropped to the floor.

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_Holy shit, dude . . . _

_Hilaria was in a snow-covered forest. _Where the hell . . . _She kicked a tree by accident._

"_HOO!" an army of yellow squirrels appeared on the branches. They immediately started launching hot pink ping pong balls at her._

"_HOLY SHIT!" Running for her life, she tripped over a root, went flying, and landed in a nearby palm tree._

Palm tree? What the hell? _She looked around. Indeed, she was in the Bahamas._

"_Michelle, what are you doing in a tree?" shouted someone. "Come down!"_

_She looked down. Lo and behold there stood Adam, her little brother. _

"_No! I like it up here! It's safe! There's nothing weird up here!"_

"_I have apple pie . . ." Adam held out an apple pie. Hilaria's eyes glazed over. _Pie . . .

_Out of nowhere—_

"_Dammit! Something random!"_

—_Adam transformed into Saturnina. "Hilaria, I have a message for you," she said somberly._

"_WAKE THE FUCK UP!"_

Hilaria blinked slowly. "Wake up!" commanded a very familiar voice.

"I don't really want to . . ." she said sleepily.

"Too bad. I've got a large bucket of water, and I'm ready to throw it on you."

"Evil person, go away." She opened her eyes and saw a large fuzzy dark shape. Blinking again, the shape came into focus to be revealed as Saturnina's head. "Welcome back to the world of the living!"

Hilaria looked around. "You don't have a bucket of water!"

"I know, I lied."

Angela elbowed her out of the way. "How do you feel?"

"Okay . . ."

"Good, because you've been out for way too long!" _Sleepyhead,_ thought Saturnina. "Anyway, Eragon just woke up, so we were just waiting for you."

Hilaria looked around again. Indeed, there was Eragon sitting on a bed much like her own. He wasn't wearing a shirt. "Okay, I could have gone my whole life without ever seeing that," commented Hilaria.

"What happened?" he asked.

"A whole load of shit." Saturnina went to the door. Opening it, she commanded imperiously, "Enter!"

Murtagh and Arya came in, accompanied by Saphira's head. "About time you woke up! We've been sitting in the hall for hours!" said Murtagh.

"What happened?"

"Well," began Murtagh, "we won. The Shade's spirits—if that's what they were—flew out over the battlefield, and the Urgals just stopped fighting, stood there for a minute, and started killing each other."

"Where were the Twins?"

Hilaria raised her hand and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. I kind of set them on fire."

Murtagh and Arya stared at her.

"Well who cares about them? This is really cool," said Saturnina, "because we all come out of it with a title."

" . . . Question mark?"

"Not you, 'cause you already have one. But I am now Saturnina Urgalfighter, and he," she pointed at Eragon, "is Eragon Shadeslayer."

Hilaria snickered.

"Wait a minute . . ." Eragon was confused. Again. "How long have I been here?"

"A day and a half." Hilaria choked. Angela ignored her. "You're lucky I was around, otherwise it would have taken you weeks to recover, if you had lived."

Eragon reached for his back. "Hang on just a minute," said Saturnina. She was serious. "You are not going to like it."

He ignored her. So did Hilaria. She looked down at her left arm for the first time since she had waken up.

"Holy shit."

Saturnina frowned. "I tried to warn you."

"This goes beyond 'ew'."

A large, raised scar stretched down her arm, from shoulder to wrist."

"I mean, this really pisses me off."

"It does indeed," agreed Saturnina. "I just sprained my wrist."

"Lucky," grumbled Hilaria.

**Ooh, we finished _Eragon_! Whee! A marking point!**

**Okay. Did anybody else see the Eldest Limited Edition, the one that came out on the 26th? Did anyone else read the preview of Book 3?**

**Cuz it is SO DAMN COOL!**

**Gasp! OMG! I realized something! If her put a preview of it in the limited edition, that means it's probably already at the publishers', which means . . . gasp! We'll be getting a release date soon! Yay!**

**The apple pie was Michelle's idea. I take no credit.**


	18. O Conceited Rider

**alsdssg: its actually not on the internet . . . I think you have to go to a bookstore.**

**Azulcat: What happens next . . . oh, I have a lot of shit planned out . . . **

**Bananasrokk: I am so sorry, but it would seem that they do survive. Sorry. And yet . . . **

**black rubix: ah, yes, and then hopefully on to book three!**

**Coffee Grounds: WHY? Why did you resist?**

**DragonRider2000: You will be.**

**Draye: ah yes, battle scars. I could go on and on about battle scars but, for the sake of space, I will not. And no, much more than a few chapters. Or maybe you want to come in earlier . . . **

**Elevanya: oh well, at least I like toast.**

**jazzsax93: Oh yes, those are awesome!**

**kirbythesmiteyone: I sure hope that was a ground-floor window!**

**silver sliver: I've always wondered that too . . . **

**callernumber16onz100: can't tell, DragonRider2000 wants to be surprised.**

**Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: you have a very long name. **

**There is a REALLY long author's note at the end. Please read it! it is vitally important!**

**Chapter Eighteen: O Conceited Rider**

Hilaria randomly said, "I want to help.

"You want to help what?" asked Saturnina.

"I wanna go help them get rid of the Urgals."

Saturnina stopped. "Are you insane?" she screeched.

"Yes, probably."

"You could get killed! Or," Saturnina looked around for eavesdroppers, "You could get captured with Murtagh!"

"I know! It would be so cool!"

"Hmm . . . I see your point . . . HILARIA!"

"WHAT!"

"We need to, like, swear a sacred oath! That we won't tell anybody just what the hell is going to happen! That would totally ruin the storyline!"

"No shit." She put her hand on her heart. "I, Hilaria Michelle Idiotslayer, do solemnly swear that I will not tell anyone what will happen so long as I am in Alagaesia."

"And I, Saturnina Urgalfighter, do solemnly swear that I will not tell anyone what will happen so long as I am in Alagaesia."

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Saturnina was bored. Big surprise, no? Hilaria had gone off to help chase the Urgals with Murtagh and Ajihad and the Twins, but Saturnina didn't because she wanted to explore Tronjheim.

So what did she do? She retrieved her bag from under the rock and set about reading _Eldest_ for, oh, the 40th time over.

Eragon looked over her shoulder. "What are you reading? Hey . . ." He saw the words

_**ARYA SVIT-KONA**_

_**E**ragon and his company followed the Az Ragni until it joined the Edda River, which then drifted . . . _

" . . . That's about me!"

"Um, no, uh . . ." thinking fast, (somewhere along the lines of _Shit!_) Saturnina whapped him on the head. "Are you that conceited? Do you assume everything that mentions the word Eragon is about you? For your information, O Rude Rider, this is about the elf Eragon, the first Rider."

"Oh . . . really?"

"Yes, dimwit." _No actually, but he doesn't need to know that . . . _

They sat in silence for about another ten minutes, until Saturnina looked up.

"ERAGON!"

"What?" he asked, rubbing his ear.

"Isn't that them? And isn't that a bunch of Urgals?"

"Yes . . . and no, that's not a—holycrap, YES IT IS!" Eragon and Saturnina jumped on Saphira. Flying fast, they quickly landed in time to see the rest of the Urgals run off.

Eragon ran over to Ajihad. Saturnina pushed past him and searched for Hilaria.

"SHIT!"

Her agonized scream drew Eragon from the dead leader of the Varden.

"What's wrong?"

"Where are Hilaria and Murtagh?"

Saphira blinked. Eragon was confused. "What?"

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE HILARIA AND MURTAGH!" _I mean yeah, we planned this, but still, its really dangerous . . . _

"You're right! The Urgals must have taken them!"

"Gee, ya think?"

"It's too late to follow them now. What do we do?"

_Would you abandon them? _Saphira joined the conversation.

"In any case, we can't follow them!" snapped Eragon.

_Arya can. Ask her._

Saturnina was already on her way. "Arya! Murtagh and Hilaria and the Twins are gone. Please, will you follow the Urgals?"

Arya looked at her for a long time. Then she darted off, sword in hand, into the tunnels.

**Bwahahaha! Bet you werent expecting that! Maybe you were.**

**So anyway, Michelle and I have an ongoing argument since June. The question is: should Hilaria escape and go to Ellesmera with Eragon and Saturnina?**

**Or should she stay in Urû'baen and drive everyone crazy? For the sake of an unbiased vote, Michelle has requested that we do not state whose opinions are whose. We present our arguments:**

**Hilaria should stay! She can pull all sorts of pranks, and it would be funny to see her annoy Galbatorix. I've already written out a bunch of scenes for her in Urû'baen, and It would help me exercise my creative writing abilities to write Eldest from another POV. So please, vote for Hilaria not to escape! I need the writing experience! Also, If Hilaria just **appeared **in Ellesmera, when everyone thought she was dead, Eragon would be mucho confused. But who cares about him? If Hilaria randomly showed up, people would know she'd been in Urû'baen, so there goes Islanzadi's already thinly spread approval of Saturnina, because she and Hilaria are friends. So we'd probably be hanged or burned or whatever as spies. Try explaining **that** to my parents. Just as one last note? XXXXXXXX wants Hilaria to be rescued by Saturnina, Eragon, Arya, and Orik, and whoever else, to go on a detour on their way to Ellesmera. (psst: they would never go for that!)**

**Hilaria should escape! It would make more sense for them to be together! Saturnina and Hilaria are the dynamic duo! They can't be separated! Anyway, wouldn't it be harder to write a story going from Hilaria's POV to Saturnina's and back again? (XX: no, actually. XXXXXXXX: shut up!) To separate them would **_COMPLETELY_** defeat the purpose of the story! The purpose was so that the two could go the Alagaesia and wreak havoc. **Together.** Also, I would be really, really mad! Anyway, Being in the castle for X amount of time, Galbatorix would probably get really mad at Hilaria for all the crazy pranks she would play!**

**So please vote! Actually, let me revise that statement: do not review unless you are voting!**

**Draye, you are exempt from voting, seeing as how you know both Michelle and I personally. You can review, you are just not obliged to vote.**


	19. Emma Marshmallow

**Greetings. Michelle and I compromised, and I'm about to give away a spoiler, so be warned: Hilaria will escape/be rescued, but not for quite some time. So please do not review asking "WHEN IS SHE GONNA GET OUTTA THERE!" because I have it planned out.**

**I would have won, btw. Hilaria would've stayed with Murtagh. ANYWAYS...**

**I am sorry this took so long, but first I was waiting for votes, then I had my Bat Mitzvah and got a laptop and Word wasn't working, and WordPad is just plain evil.**

**silver sliver: he could, but he's a moron. And I knew a lot of people actually would be expecting it. Damn the predictableness of this story!**

**Coffee Grounds: meh, tomato tomahto. Not happening.**

**Elevanya: Yay! Someone else who likes to chase flamingos!**

**alsdssg: I know! Tell your friend I say happy birthday.**

**SOPROL: Thank you so much, I save all my reviews in a folder, and it wasn't accepting the long version... Oh god, choir camp, I pity you.**

**Aneet: she can and she does.**

**bananasrokk: hmm, his mother. That wouldn't actually work, because he's like a hundred years old, but it was a good idea...**

**dragon of spirits: fear not, just wait a bit.**

**irishgypsygirl: huh!**

**jazzsax93: nope, Shruikan eats someone(s) else.**

**DragonRider2000: finally! A reviewer who has faith in my abilities to keep the story funny! TAKE THAT, EVERYONE WHO SAID THEM SEPERATED WOULDN'T BE AS FUNNY!**

**hallow sanctuary: heh heh heh.**

**darkfiremermaid: no and no, or quite possibly no and maybe... you'll just have to wait.**

**Azulcat: Michelle's foaming at the mouth, it's really quite funny to watch. No, she will not become evil, but only because i do not want to wake up tomorrow morning with a meat cleaver in my back.**

**meh: I'm glad we agree.**

**happyperson: no, I do...**

**Kitty and Amethyst: too late.**

**WeepingWillowleaf: wahahaha...**

**Chapter Nineteen: Emma Marshmallow**

"Oh, hell..." Hilaria awoke with a pounding headache and her hands tied together. "What the fuck is going on?"

"You've been captured, idiot girl," said a snide voice. Hilaria could barely make out a dark figure in front of her. To be more accurate, all she saw was a big dark blur, seeing as how her glasses had been smashed in the fight with the Urgals.

"And who are you?"

"Your worst nightmare. Look around; you have no chance of escaping."

"How can I look around when I can't even see?"

The voice sighed. "I fixed your glasses. Here."

Hilaria blinked and saw a tall man with dark hair. "And who are you?" she repeated.

"Your new Lord and Master," intoned the man. "I am King Galbatorix, and you will treat me with respect!"

Hilaria blinked a few more times. "Ah," she finally said. "I don't think I will. You see, I don't like you. Nor do I want to stay here. so if you know what's good for you, you'll let me go now, before I unleash The Power Of The Pissed-Off Earthling!"

"Insolent girl, I will kill you!"

"He's not kidding," said Murtagh, and Hilaria looked around and saw him lying on the floor next to her. "He really doesn't like you. Neither do I, for that matter."

"Ah, Murtagh has awakened." Galbatorix smiled. "How have you been? I haven't seen you since you _ran away_." The smile evolved into an evil grin.

Murtagh cursed. Hilaria rolled her eyes. "That's all very well and good, but what am I doing here?"

Galbatorix blinked. "To be frank, I haven't the slightest idea. The Twins just didn't like you, I guess. For that matter-"

"Yes, I know, you don't like me either," sighed Hilaria.

"This is becoming very sociable," interrupted Murtagh, "but I for one would like to know exactly what's going to happen next."

"Well, haven't you noticed where we are?" Galbatorix raised his eyebrows.

For the first time Hilaria looked around.

She was in a large stone chamber with no windows. In the center of the room was a stone pedestal, with a locked chest sitting on a velvet pad on top of it. Two burley guards stood at the door. Hilaria could only guess what was in the chest. Murtagh already knew. He cursed again at the sight of the chest.

"Yes," said Galbatorix. "I knew you'd recognize it." He quickly walked over to the chest and unlocked it with a large golden key. Hilaria propped herself up on her elbows and looked.

Inside the chest lay two dragon eggs: One was a deep ruby red, the color of the Original Flavor Pringles™ box. The other was a bright emerald green, the color of green peppers and parsley. Hilaria was really hungry...I digress.

"Okay...What do you expect to happen?"

"I EXPECT YOU TWO TO BECOME DRAGON RIDERS!"

Hilaria smiled grimly. She liked to annoy people...

"That," stated a barely-holding-back-laughter Murtagh, "Is never going to work."

Hilaria nodded, laughing aloud.

"THAT'S IT!" yelled the mad king, and he started attacking Hilaria's mind.

_It's times like these when Hannah is useful...Ah well, I have my own method of defense._

_And a large white furry bunny with brown spots hurtled out of the foggy recesses of Hilaria's mind. It was holding a large battleaxe._

_WHAAAAAA! I, Emma Of-Hilaria's-Head, will fight!_

_Give it all you've got, Marshmallow, said Hilaria._

_My name is not Marshmallow! It's Emma!_

_There was no time for further conversation, as Galbatorix entered. Emma/Marshmallow began to fight the large black-with-red-eyes smiley (or in this case frowny) face that had suddenly appeared._

**_Foolish girl! You cannot stop me with a battleaxe!_**

_Wanna bet? yelled Emma/Marshmallow._

_The frowny-face opeoned its mouth and a beam of fuschia light zoomed toward the bunny._

_Damn, this guy has issues, thought Hilaria, before Emma/Marshmallow was reduced to a pile of black ash._

_Nooo! Marshmallow! Hilaria furiously summoned a potato, which began hurling yellow balls of light at the face._

**_Mere farm products cannot stop me either!_**

_Nooo! You killed Maria!_

_Out of nowhere, a familiar blue snail appeared. Hannah! Why the hell are you here?_

_Solembum made a prophecy, remember, and Saturnina asked me to help out._

_Oh yeah... Hilaria thought back. She vaguely remembered Solembum saying: ...When one of you is in a dark place with no hope of succeeding, the other must lend her greatest defense to aid in that one's struggle..._

_Anyway, hannah beat off the attacks pretty well, until Shruikan joined the struggle. A black dragon appeared, and Hannah retreated to avoid being burned. I can do no more, she said, and disappeared._

_Shit._

For some strange reason, Galbatorix and Shruikan also retreated.

"I cannot fight off your defenses," he said. "They are too weird."

"Excuse me?" Hilaria said incredulously. "You appeared as a black smiley face!"

"Crazy, isn't he?" commented Murtagh, sympathetically shaking his head.

Then Galbatorix pulled out a huuuuuge black sword. "You are too annoying to be kept alive!"

"Holy shit, dude! You are crazy!" He began randomly stabbing downwards. Hilaria frantically dodged, until she rolled over and the sword cut her hands free. She sprang up. "You have major issues, man," she said. Galbatorix charged. Hilaria reached behind her left shoulder blade with one hand, and down her shoe with another. She met Galbatorix's attack holding two knives.

Galbatorix looked around, and, holding onto the table for support, jumped up and kicked her.She ducked, rolled forward, and in the blink of an eye the evil dude was down on the floor with two knives at his throat. "You have a serious little-girl complex," she informed him.

Hilaria looked up. The two guards had their spears pointed at her neck.

"Um...hi?"

**Heh heh heh. Well, I must give myself credit. _dodges flamers with torches and pitchforks _Okay! This chapter sucked.**

**So ANYWAYS, me laptop is fun! have a nice time reviewing! _Hint, hint_.**


	20. Evil Overlord of Darkness

**Aloha! And welcome back to another chapter of Bothering Alagaesia!**

**Too many people are asking me about relationships. THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY. THIS HAS NEVER BEEN A LOVE STORY. Saturnina will not be with Eragon. Hilaria will not be with Murtagh.**

…**but.**

**Oh, and by the way, HILARIA WILL NOT BECOME A DRAGON RIDER.**

**alsdssg: The wonders of the earthling's mind are too much for the Empire!**

**Azulcat: oh, give it a rest. You know you liked it.**

**bananasrokk: your rubber froggy will soon meet my wooden hedgehog.**

**Coffee Grounds: Murtagh will never like her. They are destined to hate each other.**

**darkfiremermaid: laptops don't set you back, we just hadn't bought Word yet. I have it now.**

**Diamondchild: so glad to be of service.**

**DragonRider2000: time is elusive. Don't trust it.**

**Elevanya: Oh yeah? Well have you ever had to write an essay on the history of DYNAMITE?**

**Irishgypsygirl: Emma/Marshmallow is a bunny, not a marshmallow.**

**kirbythesmiteyone: my friend is obsessed with Final Fantasy. Just so I can understand her in the future… what the hell is a chocobo?**

**Samalamadingdong: your name is oh so very long…**

**SOPROL: stop laughing before you suffocate.**

**HahynGirl: thank you!**

**Silver sliver: no. She will not be a Rider.**

**Chapter Twenty: Evil Overlord of Darkness**

Saturnina roused herself from her bed to find a note pushed under her door.

_Saturnina,_

_I have been called to a meeting of the Council of Elders. You can't come, so THERE. _

–_Eragon Shadeslayer_

"Just you try to stop me," she muttered, and grinned evilly.

In thirty minutes she had gathered two girls sympathetic to her cause, and they had acquired a large wooden log.

"Here's the plan. We go there, ask for peaceful entrance, say we warned them, and bang down the door." The girls, Lorin and Alexandra, nodded.

"Okay…Let me in, or ELSE!" she screamed at the offending wooden door.

"Over my dead body!" retorted Eragon's voice.

"Okay then, don't say we didn't warn you..." she hefted the log, stepped back, and charged.

-BANG-

Inside the room, Eragon winced at the sound of the log slamming into the door. "I should have known she would try this," he said.

-BANG-

_Did you really expect to keep her out?_

-BANG-

"You can't be serious!" he pleaded. Saphira's blue eyes stared back at him levelly.

-BANG-

"You can come in!" shouted Jormundur.

The door opened. But before she could come in, a large figure appeared behind her. Alexandra tapped Saturnina's shoulder. Saturnina closed her eyes and swallowed.

"The evil overlord of darkness is behind me, am I right?" she whispered.

Lorin nodded fearfully. Saturnina slowly turned around, blinked, and ran to hide behind Saphira. Ghostly music drifted throughout the room.

"_Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination  
And when he's tall  
he's what we call a dinosaur sensation _

Barney's friends are big and small  
they come from lots of places  
after school they meet to play  
and sing with happy faces

Barney shows us lots of things  
Like how to play pretend  
ABC's, and 123's  
And how to be a friend

Barney comes to play with us  
Whenever we may need him  
Barney can be your friend too  
If you just make-believe him!"

Saturnina screamed with the conclusion of the hated song. Eragon snickered. "AHHHH! Stopitstoptistopit! And stop laughing at me!" Eragon kept laughing. Until…

"_I love you, you love me  
__We're a happy family  
__With a great big hug  
__And a kiss from me to you  
__Won't you say you love me too."_

Saturnina screamed again. She grabbed Zar'roc, lunged for Barney, and repeatedly hacked at him until he was dead. She stood on to of the purple and green corpse.

"What…was that?" asked Eragon.

"You don't want to know," Saturnina said cryptically.

She threw herself into a chair and glared at the room's occupants. Arya silently entered behind them. Saphira crouched behind Eragon.

"We are faced with a crisis," announced Jormundur without preamble. "Ajihad's successor must be chosen quickly, or someone will choose for us. Hrothgar, while courteous in his condolences, is sure to be forming his own plans. We also cannot ignore Du Vrangr Gata, the magic users of the Varden. Most are loyal to the Varden, but we cannot predict or control their actions. We need you, Eragon, to agree with whoever is to take Ajihad's place."

A man named Falberd stood. "The five of us have already decided who to support. Before we tell you, though, we must have your word that nothing that is said in here will be repeated beyond these walls."

"You have my word."

Saturnina glared at him and crossed her fingers behind her back. "You have my word," she said. "Go shove it up your ass," she muttered under her breath.

"As I was saying," said Jormundur, glaring at Saturnina, "The Varden needs a leader. We nominate Nasuada."

_She would be a good leader,_ said Saphira in Saturnina's and Eragon's minds.

_Maybe, but why do they want her?_ asked Eragon. "Does she have enough experience?"

Elessari smiled. "I've watched Nasuada grow up from a darling girl to the woman she is. A trifle light-headed occasionally, but a good figure to lead the Varden. The people will love her. Now I," she pointed to herself, "and my friends will be here to guide her through these troubled times. She will never bee without someone to show her the way. Inexperience should be no barrier to her taking her rightful position."

"You want a figurehead."

Elessari gave her a poisonous glare. "Idiot girl. We will guide her through any trouble, how is that making her a figurehead?"

"Yes, you want her to believe that you always show her the right way, while really you control the Varden from behind her. You want to make her a puppet," said Saturnina flatly.

A woman named Sabrae stood up and pointed furiously at the door. "Get out! You know nothing of politics! You are just a stupid teenager who pretends to understand what goes on around you, while tagging along with those who are better than you!"

"Oh no you did _not_!" Saturnina lunged and punched Sabrae in the face. Sabrae graced Elessari's dagger and attacked Saturnina. Yelling, Saturnina grabbed a dagger out of her shoe and retaliated. Eragon waded in and pulled the two apart.

Nursing a long cut in her left arm, Saturnina stalked out.

Barney picked himself up and followed her. In the stone room, Eragon and the Council heard a faint scream.

**Well, Barney's unlucky. Hahaha, Saturnina got in a fight… again…**

**So…next chapter we return to Hilaria…and I've run out of things to say!**


	21. Mission Impossible: Hilaria

**Well! Here we all are, for yet ANOTHER chapter. This is getting quite repetitive, isn't it? So now we return to Hilaria, and yes, people, you got that right: every chapter flips back and forth between the two, unless I have a REALLY big cliffhanger on Hilaria's part, in which case I will tell Saturnina's story for two or three chapters. And vise-versa. Yes, I'm evil. Yes, I know.**

**alsdssg: evil little demon-seed, isnt she…**

**Azulcat: Barney is a law unto himself. Well of COURSE I'm gonna wait for the third book! You didn't think I was just going to finish _Eldest_ and then write my own Book 3? Duh! Why would I do that?**

**bananasrokk: but…I like the beast of argh…RIP froggy**

**Coffee Grounds: well don't blow out your vocal cords or anything…**

**darkfiremermaid: ooh! Like that Spongebob episode where they go 'imagination…' and make a rainbow with their hands?**

**Diamondchild: Yay…a rhyme…**

**dragon of spirits: so glad we agree.**

**DragonfrosttipLady: w00t!**

**DragonRider2000: I must be going blind…I could've sworn I saw the words 'poor Barney' in your review…**

**Elevanya: No, it was fun. Mr. Lo set a bowl of gunpowder on fire, and then he exploded a Smartie in a test tube.**

**Irishgypsygirl: no, because I don't even want her to be a marshmallow.**

**Kitty and Amethyst: whatever you do, DON'T EAT IT.**

**SOPROL: clear your mind. It's like those credit card commercials where Ellen DeGeneres is meditating. They're kind of funny…**

**WeepingWillowleaf: hah! I laugh in the face of purple kitties!**

**CelticWater: oh great, a guilt-tripper. Thanks a lot.**

**Chapter Twenty-One: Mission Impossible: Hilaria**

"What the…" Hilaria blinked. Murtagh was holding a broken eggshell and was waving it in her face.

"I got a dragon to hatch for me and YOU DIDN'T! Oh, WHAT NOW?"

She blinked again. "I think Saturnina was rubbing off on you, because I have never heard you talk like that. Ever."

"You're missing my point! My point is that I am now a Dragon Rider!"

"And your point?"

Murtagh started to punch her, but "Uh-uh, bad boy. I carry a total of 42 knives on me at all times."

"How do you manage that?"

"Well, let's see: two behind each of my shoulder blades, two tied behind my neck, three shoved into my shoes, five around my waist, four in my hair, one on both my wrists, six on my back, one under each of my armpits, three tiny ones behind my ears, two around my ankles, and six spread out in my pocket."

Murtagh blinked a couple of times.

"So anyway, what's its name?"

Murtagh shook his head a few times. "I named him Thorn."

"That's a dumb name, it really is. You should change it." Hilaria looked at him expectantly.

"Why should I? I like it, and so does he."

Hilaria just shook her head sadly a few times.

That night……………………………………………

She was dressed in full blackout gear: black paint on her face, black shirt or in this case sweater, black pants, black hat over her head.

Hilaria grabbed her backpack, stuffed with everything she would need, and peered around the door. She hurried down the hall, keeping close to the walls the whole time. Her iPod played the Mission: Impossible music.

Hilaria somersaulted to Murtagh's door, looking around furtively as she tested the doorknob.

Damn! It was locked. Hilaria growled; she would have to go in from above.

Fifteen minutes later found her scaling the wall outside Murtagh's room using a rope and a keyring attached to her belt. (Note: do not try this at home.)

She swung into his room and rolled over until she was hidden behind the door. Hilaria slowly approached the bed and, without further ado, opened her backpack. In it lay five tubes filled with a different colored something.

When she climbed down the wall again, she couldn't help but marvel at how deep of a sleeper Murtagh was.

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Hilaria peeked through the large window in the top tower of the castle. She had climbed the wall yet again to come outside of the large chamber that Shruikan slept in. Smiling evilly, she hoisted herself onto the windowsill. She looked around to see if anyone was watching her, and went in.

She dropped to the floor, took one look in front of her, and decided a security breach was necessary. Hilaria unclipped a flashlight from her belt.

Looking at the giant black dragon, Hilaria couldn't help but giggle a little, thinking of what she was going to do.

She opened her backpack.

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Hilaria awoke to the pounding of Murtagh's fist on her door. She groaned and shaded her eyes against the bright sunlight.

"Whaddaya want?" she called groggily.

"Open up, now!" shouted Murtagh.

Hilaria yawned and opened the door.

When she saw Murtagh, she couldn't help it, and soon she was rolling around on the floor laughing.

Murtagh's once-dark hair was now a kaleidoscope of purple, red, blue, green, and yellow.

"What did you do to my hair?" he thundered.

She rolled her eyes. "I _dyed_ it, of course!"

"And just where did you get this so-called dye?"

"Funny you should ask. Well, in my school the principal got really sick of everyone dying their hair. So one day she pulled all of us out of honors math and told us to go through everybody's lockers and confiscate any hair dye we found. Hell, she gave us all copies of the master key. Unfortunately she made us give them back, but what can you do?"

"But…but it's so…**vivid**. How did that happen?"

"I had to hold a torch under it, for lack of hair dryers," Hilaria explained. "You know, when you're traveling, you wake up at a moment's notice, Murtagh. But when you can relax (which you cant, by the way: I could throw Galbatorix a lot farther than I can trust him, and I can only throw his two inches), you'll just keep snoring on even though I held a flame under your head."

Before Murtagh could complain any more, an earthshaking roar was heard at Hilaria's window.

Shruikan was hovering outside, calling for Hilaria's blood.

_What did you do to me, you deceiving girl!_

This time, both Hilaria and Murtagh were laughing. Because on the black dragon's wing were airbrushed a multitude of hearts, smiley faces, and rainbows, along with SHRUIKAN emblazoned along his spine.

"I airbrushed your wings, what do you think?" Hilaria shouted over the noise. "I messed up some of the hearts, but I think the overall effect is quite—" she was cut off as the dragon slashed his claws through the window.

Growling something about how Galbatorix was going to kill her, Shruikan flew off.

Murtagh stared at her. "How did you _do_ that?" he gasped.

"I took a course in airbrushing. Now go; I must plan my next prank."

**And the next prank really is crazy, I have it all planned out. Thank you to bananasrokk for the idea, I think it rocks!**

**And I'm going to Florida for the week, I'm not sure if my laptop will have any Internet, but I'll try.**


	22. Beer and More Beer

**I return, my watermelon-clad fans! Uh…sorry. I'm just a little hyper, as inspiration has struck, and stuff like that. Ahaha!**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: LONG NAME! **

**alsdssg: yeah, that's what happens when Starbucks hosts a holiday party and I take advantage of the opportunity to buy a venti.**

**Apollomarine: wow, thanks! and no, I can't be rushed, you may notice I have seven other stories in need of constant updating.**

**Azulcat: oh, typos, typos, gimme a break.**

**Coffee Grounds: peanut butter bombs? Hmm, that could work…all Hilaria-chapter decisions are made by Michelle, so I'll bring it up with her.**

**Diamondchild: what's Raya?**

**dracosfling: bows I'm here until…well, forever, I guess.**

**Elevanya: so, are these polar bears your henchbears? Evil minions? Sidekicks? Cronies?**

**FooFooCudlyPoops: you do know your name contains the word 'poop' in it, right?**

**Lady Bitter Irony: interesting name, I like it.**

**Marcus: Hmm, you do have a point! No salad though, where the hell do I find the dressing?**

**Nikki's Evil Doppelganger: w00t!**

**silver sliver: no, the ever-resourceful Hilaria makes it comfortable… actually I don't know. But when I asked her for a number less that 42, she gave me 41, so I just stuck with 42.**

**sora girlfriend: whoa, lots of reviews, slightly overwhelmed! Nah, I found Internet, and now I'm back.**

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Beer and More Beer**

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, IT WAS FUNNY?" thundered Saturnina to a laughing Orik.

"I searched through your backpack," he giggled. "I found these metallic discs labeled 'Barney' in it. On the covers there were pictures of a purple monster, and there were lyrics inside it. So I made a costume."

Saturnina hissed a few times, then took three deep breaths, and calmly punched Orik. He stuttered. "Why did you have them in your backpack, if you hate it so much?"

"I had a babysitting job that afternoon," she growled. "If you are a sentient being with a will to live, never dress up in that barney suit again."

Orik cowered. Then he turned to Eragon. "Anyway, I came to see you because Hrothgar wishes to speak with you if you are free."

Eragon smiled. "I'm always free to speak with him, surely he knows that."

Saturnina rolled her eyes. "It's called diplomacy; it's politer to ask first."

"Oh, as if you know anything about being polite!" scoffed Eragon.

"Really now?" Saturnina raised an eyebrow.

"Yes! Nobody can act so crazy and still be diplomatic!"

She smiled politely and whapped him in the head. "Clearly you've never seen President Bush in action." (My apologies to all Republicans)

Orik lead them down one of Tronjheim's main passages toward the main chamber and staircases leading down to Hrothgar's underground throne. Except that the dwarf instead turned down a smaller staircase before entering the huge room. Eragon whispered that Orik probably didn't want to go past the shattered Isidar Mithrim. Saphira agreed, and Saturnina nodded wistfully.

"I would have liked to see it." She looked around as Eragon and Saphira stared. "What? It's not every day you see a giant shattered jewel! I might be able to make a bracelet if I got a piece."

Orik pretended not to hear her.

_You are the most insensitive girl ever to have walked the face of Alagaesia,_ commented Saphira.

Saturnina bowed.

Orik stopped before a giant stone doorway. There were seven dwarves on either side; they banged the floor. The doors opened.

A huge cavern was revealed. They left Orik behind and entered, slowly making their way down the hall. Passing a number of statues along the way, Saturnina, Eragon and Saphira reached a stone throne where Hrothgar sat.

"Shadeslayer, welcome to my hall. You have done much since last we met. And so I have been proven wrong about Zar'roc. That blade will be welcome in Tronjheim so long as you bear it." Eragon thanked him.

"I'm just gonna zone out for the rest of this, okay?" Saturnina asked Saphira.

_Why are you telling me?_

"I don't know."

But at the end of the meeting, when the teenage girl blinked herself back to conscious thought, nobody was surprised that she didn't know what just happened.

Orik was happy, at least. "This jewel thingy is important, apparently," remarked Saturnina.

"You think? I hadn't noticed," said Eragon sarcastically.

"And the funeral is tomorrow," said Orik sadly. Then he brightened. "But tonight we celebrate!"

"Celebrate _what_? That your jewel is going to be fixed?" cried Saturnina.

Orik ignored her. So did Eragon (surprised?). Saphira gave her a scathing glare.

"…Am I supposed to understand that 'celebrate' translates to 'get stinking drunk?'" Saturnina commented a short while later.

Eragon, already tipsy, nodded. "Why arent you drinking anything?"

Her eye twitched. "There are some times when it is fun to get drunk, and some when it is not. This would be a fun time, but they refused to give me any beer."

"I don't blame them," muttered Orik.

She rounded on him. "Look, I will take that tankard and shove it straight up your—"

"Now, now, this is no time to fight," slurred Eragon.

"You are drunk. I know better than to take the advice of a drunken person!"

Saphira snorted. Then, as the night wore on, Eragon, Saphira, and Orik got drunker and drunker. Saturnina drummed her fingers on the table and waited for someone to realize that they would be hung over during a funeral, and that was not good.

And then Saphira fell. And landed on Saturnina's foot.

**Quote of the day: What the FUCK?**

**So from now on there are going to be quotes in the chapters. I need to update more often…**


	23. Wasabi Battle!

**Yo. I'm taking advantage of this power outage to write something, because I can't get on the Internet to do anything else. So I decided to write. Right now I have about 8 candles and one stick of incense burning in my room…its totally safe. I am not going to burn down my house. **

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: heh. Thanks.**

**alsdssg: haha, joy in a bucket…no, I just put that in there because I couldn't think of anything for Saturnina to say.**

**Apollamarine: you're wrong twice, I'm actually part papaya. (kidding…)**

**Azulcat: yea, I changed it, and they are the quotes of the day, just the day I put up the chapter.**

**bananasrokk: no, she blackmails Eragon into healing it for her.**

**Beowulf-Cryptic: no, it's not usually very hard…even with older teenagers, it's not very hard.**

**C.T. Eleczko: well, anyone can be insane. it's how they do it that makes them unique.**

**Coffee Grounds: yeah, it did.**

**Diamondchild: I might get around to it later.**

**Draye: shut up. unlike you, I was not raised by Nella; therefore I am not an alcoholic!**

**Elevanya: yeah, well my snails have been out recruiting, and they now have a couple of platoons of white slugs with them. you're outnumbered!**

**Invaderm: no, she has morals. most of the time.**

**SOPROL: Yah, and she gets to rub it in their faces!**

**Whispering Lillies: yep. she might kill someone.**

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Wasabi Battle!**

Hilaria groggily woke up to yet another person banging on her door. Why did people keep doing that, anyway? She thought she'd gotten away from waking up earlier when she got to Alagaesia.

"Whaddaya want?"

"I want to talk!"

Hilaria made an incomprehensible noise that signaled Murtagh could come in. He was holding her backpack.

"How the _hell_ did you get that?"

"You left it near Shruikan. Galbatorix found it and we went through it."

"WHAT?"

"And then he asked me to discuss the contents with you."

"_WHAT?_"

"For instance, we found this green stuff, which we think might be poison, and this brown stuff, which we think might be more poison, many books, about which we don't even know what to think, and a large notebook."

Hilaria just stared at him with a look on her face that clearly said, 'huh?'

"The green stuff is wasabi. It's not poisonous. The brown stuff is peanut butter, ditto the wasabi. The books are called manga, and the notebook is mine. And isnt there some law against search and seizure without a warrant?"

**(AN: let the record show that I have just gotten back electricity)**

"No," replied Murtagh. "At least, not here. Anyway, Galbatorix is particularly interested in the green stuff. He tried some—"

"WHAT?"

"—and apparently it's very spicy," finished Murtagh.

"That's it; I have to go find him." Hilaria stormed off. Murtagh stood still for about a minute, and managed to hear her screaming distantly.

"WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING, GOING THROUGH MY BAG LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S ILLEGAL WHERE I COME FROM? YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE AND I AM PERSONALLY GOING TO BEAT UP ON YOUR ASS, MOTHAFUCKA!"

_Does she always curse like this?_ wondered Murtagh.

"I have a better idea," chimed Galbatorix. "Why don't we see who's stronger?"

"Yeah?"

"I bet," he challenged, "that I could eat more wasabi than you."

"Yeah, and I bet you're a motherfucking sonofabitch." Hilaria schemed. If she could make him eat the wasabi, then she could seriously injure him. If she could seriously injure him by setting his throat on fire, she might be able to pull off the next prank without anyone noticing.

_I wonder what would happen if a Rider ate wasabi…heh, maybe he'll breathe green fire._

"Don't bring my mother into this! I could really eat more than you!"

"In your dreams," laughed Hilaria. "Alright, you're on," she stated, suddenly serious. "Outside in an hour."

'Outside in an hour' found them, well, outside in an hour. A table had been set up, and Hilaria had worked with the cooks to make more wasabi, which it turns out grew in the garden. So, now a three foot high pile of wasabi stood on a platter on the table.

Galbatorix and Hilaria faced off. Murtagh stood on a platform; he was the ref.

"The rules are as follows: no water, no yogurt, no bread, no puking, and no cheating. Begin!"

Galbatorix shoveled a spoonful onto his plate and dumped it into his mouth. Immediately he started panting and frantically searching for a glass of water. "Oh, no you don't," objected Murtagh. "No cheating."

The king growled. Hilaria kept on eating, ignoring the burning inside her mouth. The two battled on for an hour and a half until the pile was a third of its size

In the end, though, it was too much for the poor Alagaesian. He fell over in his chair and lay writhing on the ground in pain. Hilaria sat back and breathed extremely hard, begging for water.

"WATER!!"

"Um…Hilaria wins! And…okay, someone get some water for her," announced Murtagh.

Shruikan approached Galbatorix. He sniffed the wasabi, ate some, and immediately started coughing up green fire.

_Even better._ Hilaria smiled as she chugged a bucket of water.

"I think you're crazy," stated Murtagh.

"Ah, well, I never claimed to be sane, did I?"

**HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! 365 days ago I posted the first chapter of Bothering Alagaesia. The first three, technically, but what the hell.**

…**Wait, I've only done 23 chapters in one year?!**

**Quote of the day: "cerrebellumcerlebuele…celerebellum!" –Michelle, trying to say 'cerebellum' five times fast.**

**Well, in the immortal words of Bugs Bunny (or maybe it was someone else, I don't know): That's all, folks!**


	24. Applesauce is Embarrassment

**Yo and welcome to chappie 24, which I was REALLY not looking forward to writing. I mean, what can you do at a funeral? But we thought of some stuff, so, you know, it happens. You can thank Michelle.**

**5oclock.autumn: what are you sniffing about it for, get your butt on that computer and write!**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: yeah, that's understandable, but what are you glomping?**

**Apollamarine: hilafaful, very interesting word. I applaud thee.**

**Azulcat: I'M WORKING ON IT, DANGIT!**

**bananasrokk: So. Not. My. Fault.**

**Coffee Grounds: Looney Toons? Have I really sunk that low?**

**Diamondchild: Christ. Um, no, not really, for reasons I can explain.**

**DragonRider2000: Wasabi is a plant that is ground up into green mush and placed on sushi. It is very spicy. Oh hell, just look it up.**

**Elevanya: haha, essay. Here, go to h t t p / u p l o a d . w i k i m e d i a . o r g / w i k i p e d i a / e n / c / c 6 / k a t s u y u . j p g and see what my slugs look like. Just leave out the spaces.**

**HinduGoddess: look, when you say 'stuff that actually happened,' what do you mean? Stuff in real life? Stuff in the chapter?**

**Invaderm: she never did, and she never plans to.**

**Kitty and Amethyst: well, Shruikan's stupid. What can I say?**

**SpiceChaiPrincessOfDoom: read the bottom author's note. He was not OOC.**

**Whispering Lillies: mm, cookie. What flavor?**

**I noticed that these chapters are getting shorter and shorter; please stop telling me, people. I'm working in it.**

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Applesauce is Embarrassment**

Saturnina stood impatiently as Orik yelled at Eragon, who was clearly not hearing a word of it. The funeral was in about two hours and Eragon was out stone cold.

"Hey, I'll be back in a minute, 'kay?" without waiting for a response, Saturnina darted off to the kitchens where she slammed straight into another dwarf.

"Oof! Sorry, dude!" And she was up again.

Finding a random chef, she annoyed him for about twenty minutes straight until he gave her some applesauce.

Returning to Orik and Eragon, who was still out of it, she stood for about a minute, rolled her eyes, and splashed some of the applesauce on him.

"Wake up, Knurlheim!" said Orik loudly.

"Rise and shine, dude!" chimed in Saturnina.

"What?"

"Its time to go mourn! Up, up, up, you're wasting daylight! Come on, you big lump of a Shur'tugal! Wake up and smell the coffee, life is waiting!" cried Saturnina.

"No, I mean, what did he call me?" Eragon pointed to Orik.

"Hell if I know," she muttered.

"I called you Stonehead," explained Orik, "because I've been standing here trying to wake you up!"

"Oh…"

"Well anyway, it was nice talking to you and all have fun at the funeral! Bye! See ya soon, have fun, and don't mind me!" yelled Saturnina as she dashed away She wasn't going to the funeral; she would probably not be able to be serious. At least, that's what she told Orik. Whether that was her real reason or not, well…let's just say she didn't want to be in Eragon's live of vision during the funeral.

"What's up with her?" asked Eragon.

_**AFTER THE FUNERAL**_

"SATURNINA!!!!!"

Saturnina giggled as she ran through the twisting corridors of Tronjheim. Eragon was chasing after her, furious.

"Worst thing that could've happened to him," she panted as she ran down a flight of stairs. "Oh, crap!"

Eragon swerved around a corner and came into her vision. Saturnina dodged a passing dwarf, tripped, and was tackled by Eragon.

"You…you…I'LL KILL YOU!" he yelled.

Flashback:

_Eragon stood next to Orik at the funeral. He noticed that everyone was looking at him strangely._

"_Why is everyone looking at me?" he whispered._

"_Look down," was the reply._

_Indeed, a largish wet patch was slowly spreading at Eragon's man-area._

"_They think you wet yourself," added Orik._

End Flashback.

Eragon pinned Saturnina to the ground and twisted her arm behind her. "Oww! Oof! Get offa me!"

"What did you do?" he asked in a murderous tone of voice.

"OW! Jesus Christ, its only apple sauce!" she shouted from the floor.

"You completely humiliated me!"

"Yeah, that was kind of the point!"

Angela came around the corner and saw Eragon on top of Saturnina on the floor. She winked at Saturnina and passed by humming.

"What…aw, gross!" Eragon disgustedly climbed off Saturnina.

She grinned. "That's what you get for pinning me."

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Nasuada looked at Eragon. "I expect you to travel to Ellesmera and complete your training."

"With Arya?"

"Of course—"

"I'M COMING TOO!" Saturnina barged in. two guards rushed after her.

"We're sorry, Lady Nasuada, we couldn't stop her!"

"I'm coming with him!" panted Saturnina.

"Um, no you're not," said Eragon with a horrified look. "I'm getting as far away from you as possible."

"And just why do you want to go to Ellesmera, Saturnina?" asked Nasuada, who was somewhat amused.

"Um…I feel like it?" said Saturnina hopefully. Nasuada shook her head. "Okay, cuz it would be good to have a human representative!"

"What am I, then?" asked an outraged Eragon.

"Um, you are a human, yes, but you are a Dragon Rider, and it would be good if we had a person who wasn't a Dragon Rider, so that we can get representatives of opinions from all over."

"Huh?" said the expression on Eragon's face.

"Fuzzy logic is where I excel," Saturnina said with a smirk.

"What's fuzzy logic?" Nasuada wanted to know.

"Well, its logic that works when you think about it, but when you try to put it in play it actually makes no sense. For example: screaming is good for your vocal chords. If whispering is bad for you, and whispering is quiet, than screaming must be good because screaming is loud and loud is the opposite of quiet."

"Huh?" said the expression on Eragon's face.

"Well," said Nasuada, "since you're obviously determined to go, I have no choice but to let you…"

"No…" moaned Eragon.

"Don't worry, it'll be fun!" enthused Saturnina.

_You're not serious, _said Saphira.

"Would I lie to you?" asked Saturnina sweetly.

"Yes," muttered Eragon.

**I would like to bring something out that's been really annoying me.**

**There are these two people who share an account with the penname ****Unwilling and Unsworn****. Now, these people have a story in which two hyperactive teenage girls go to Alagaesia and annoy people.**

**I recently received this PM from Unwilling and Unsworn: **_**"Hi. You ripped us off. Plagiarism is a crime. And, you know, we probably wouldn't have minded if you'd asked us for permission first. But that's just in way bad taste."**_

**Now, I also recently received an anonymous flame for this story: "**_**yo you soo copied unwilling and unsworn! i mean come on bitch you need to fucking get your own idea's. screw that even if you stole the plot from them at least their writing rocks! i haven't seen a more pitful story in my entire life. do us all a favour and hide your dismal face cause you know your only going to bore us with your stupid ideas. and have you ever heard of a little thing called length?!?!? man fuck you, go get a life bitch and if you ever copy them again you're gonna fucking pay**__."_

**Pardon me, but if they think they are the only people with that story idea, they have another thing coming. I had this story plotted out before I even read theirs.**

**The author would like to note that she has reconciled with Unwilling and Unsworn, and the whole issue is at peace. She merely wanted to get it off her back.**

**Something else: when people say I'm wrtining Galbatorix OOC (ahemSpiceChaiPrincessOfDoomahem). OOC means out-of-character. How the hell does anyone here know just what is in or out of character for Galbatorix, seeing as how we've NEVER MET HIM. Anyway, this is a humorfic. NOBODY is in character. And for all you know, I might have gotten Galby down perfectly.**

**Have fun reviewing!**


	25. The Day the Cheese Attacked

**Bweh. Huge storm means no internet means new chapter.**

**Apollamarine: Belly button lint. Wow. I am so unbelievably thrilled my story has helped you to better know your stomach.**

**Azulcat: tell me about it, I get nothing, then approximately 67 alerts in 3 days. And dude, if you think this is almost done…think again. We've got most of Eldest and all of Empire to go yet!**

**Coffee Grounds: chocolate? No, I think Eragon's more of a cookies and cream person…**

**Crimson and Chrome 42: ooh, thankyousthankyousthankyous!!**

**Diamondchild: oh, you did? Maybe I'll check it out!**

**DragonRider2000: er, neither. You'll just have to wait and see!**

**Elevanya: actually, you've just given me a brilliant idea!**

**Invaderm: of COURSE you could. This is Hilaria we're talking about.**

**Megalomaniac-Dude: yeah. Uh-huh. You do that.**

**QueenOfTheUnknown: I can point you to fifteen stories right now that can and have taken longer than me.**

**shellyross55174: meh, I already replied, not my fault you're being too much of a baby to respond. And if you got it as a joke, how'd you get this far into my story?**

**Tehe-61: well who ever said school was meant to be interesting…maybe that's the real reason they came to Alagaesia, they got bored with school.**

**Toxique: ah, screw the profanity. Curse away, curse away!**

**Whispering Lillies: Oh. My. God. Do not even talk to me about that horrible…**_**thing.**_

**Thank ya, bananasrokk, for this spazzerifically awesome idea!!**

**Chapter Twenty-Five: The Day the Cheese Attacked**

"God dammit, what is WITH you and waking me up in the morning??!!" screeched Hilaria as she was yet again woken by the sound of knocking.

"Get up, the head chef wants to talk to you!!" yelled Murtagh in response.

"Oh god," mumbled Hilaria. When people woke her up to talk to her it was generally because she was in trouble.

"Alright, whaddaya want?"

"Miss, um, Hilaria?" the man looked at her.

"The one and only. Wassup?"

"I and the rest of the kitchen staff would like to say that, in the event you would ever need anything, we would be happy to provide it. We are extremely supportive of your pranks."

"Oh…um, thank you? Okay, while I'm in a good mood, can you get a large, large and I mean large, like really humongous, cauldron of melted cheese?"

Murtagh stared at her. _Really, I shouldn't be surprised. You never know what to expect with her anymore._

The chef blinked.

"Oh, and get five eggs, too."

"Yes, we can certainly do that…"

"Thank you!" Hilaria beamed and slammed the door.

She grabbed a toothpick, a bobby pin, and a large mallet and set off for the Twins' quarters.

"Okay…screw the lock picking, I can't do this," she muttered, staring at the immensely complex lock on the door. Hilaria stormed off to find a certain something. Or maybe a someone. It's up to you.

She returned some time later with a large red reptilian being with her.

_Remind me what you want me to do again?_ Thorn blinked slowly.

"I want you to break down this door."

The dragon shrugged and threw himself against the thick wood. It completely fell off its hinges, and Hilaria kicked it in.

"What do you think you're _doing_?" asked an incredulous Murtagh, poking his head around the corner.

"Well," muttered Hilaria as she tramped into the room, "I'm breaking and entering, which is highly illegal. But whatever. I am also," she said, pulling out a large saw, "making a large square hole in the floor."

"Yes, I see that. But why?"

"Because then," enunciated Hilaria as if Murtagh were stupid, which he was, "I can dump the Twins in a vat of cheese."

"Mm-hmm. And what will you do with these cheese-encrusted Twins?"

"I am going to feed them to Shruikan."

"WHAT?"

"Watch and see."

"You want some help with that?"

"Yeah, that would be nice."

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Hilaria stood on a balcony in the main hall of Galbatorix's castle. The Twins were standing under her, talking. _I've always wondered what it would be like to crack an egg on a bald head . . . _With that thought in mind, she zoomed off to the kitchens where she snagged the five eggs she had reserved.

The Twins were still there. She took two eggs, aimed, and dropped.

They hit their targets dead on. The Twins roared in fury, looking around. Hilaria backed away from the edge and waited. It didn't take long.

"HILARIA!" they yelled. She stuck her head over the railing and put a mild expression on her face.

"You rang?"

They swelled in anger. Hilaria dropped her remaining three eggs and ran.

The Twins ran and ran and ran, but they couldn't find her. No shit they couldn't: she was tailing behind them all along. So they went back to where Hilaria had hoped they were going: back to their rooms to wash up.

When they set foot inside the (newly repaired) door, the floor dropped out form under them and they were immediately strung upside down from their feet.

"What is the meaning of this?" cried one of the Mr Baldies.

The floor slid away to reveal a bubbling cauldron of melted cheddar cheese.

Hilaria stepped out of the shadows, feeling very much like the villain in a cheap B-movie horror flick.

"Baldies," she announced, "It is time to die. Any last words?"

The Twins did not respond, but frantically began crossing themselves.

"What the…you're Christian??!!"

"Please don't kill us! The power of Christ compels you!"

"Agh…sorry, guys…I'm Jewish…" Hilaria pulled a lever.

The Twins fell headfirst into the boiling dairy product.

"EW, has this been pasteurized?" Hilaria had a very disturbed expression on her face. "Whatever, the Twins are dead! Yayness!"

Shruikan poked his head into the room. _I smell cheese. Can I eat it?_

Hilaria laughed darkly.

"**Inspiration often comes late at night, when you should be doing your homework." –Amy Lee, lead singer of Evanescence.**

**And have a happy time reviewing.**

**OMG, I just realized something!! If the wins are dead, Roran can't kill them at the end of Eldest, and so the Varden will have no reason to like him!**

**Huh. Maybe I'll have Shruikan poop them out or something.**


	26. Fairth? Or Camera?

**Okay, so now we return to Saturnina and the dwarves.**

**That being said…**

**alsdssg: the only good cheese is cheddar. Two identical pieces, good one!**

**Apollamarine: don't worry, we are far from done. we have almost all of Eldest, and the Hilaria chapters almost double it, plus then there's the third book…well, I'd say there will be quite a lot more.**

**Azulcat: your songwriting dishonors my eyes. I'll just pretend I never read that.**

**Crimson and Chrome 42: thank you so much!**

**Dragon Rider Murtagh: uh…didn't you get the whole point? I'm not mad!**

**Elevanya: No you're not. Mr Clancy is.**

**HinduGoddess: that was only gross because you are spoiled. Anyway, nobody's asking **_**you**_** to eat it, and I'm sure a dragon wouldn't mind. As for the one Michelle 'came up with' (she didn't) I WAS going to use it until she told people that I would. I am now holding that prank hostage until further notice. That and I've had the cheese thing planned since chapter 13.**

**Invaderm: nah, I think I'll just have Roran suffer.**

**Megalomaniac-Dude: if you're a girl I will be very scared.**

**Single-Black-Rose: duly noted.**

**tehe-61: actually, that's a brilliant idea!**

**The Angel's Mask: don't worry, I won't.**

**Whispering Lillies: Oh yeah, now if only I could do it to my music teacher.**

**WWMTgirl: breathe, girl. Breathe.**

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Fairth? Or Camera?**

Saturnina checked the time on her iPod yet again. "They're late," she muttered.

"Hey, how come that thing still works? Shouldn't it have run out of battery by now?" asked Eragon curiously.

Saturnina blinked.

"Hilaria tried—note the key word—_tried_ to teach me about your weird gadgets," he explained.

Saphira leaned over. _What strange items you have. This device plays music, no? And that allows you to talk with other people over distances?_ The dragon nosed Saturnina's long-dead cell phone.

"Yeah, that's called a cell phone. It doesn't work now because a) there's no Verizon tower nearby, and b) it ran out or battery. The iPod is gonna run out in about a day, it only still works now because I haven't been using it very often."

Eragon nodded, but he didn't actually understand it.

Saturnina knew that.

Orik showed up some time later. "Yo," greeted Saturnina. The dwarf rolled his eyes.

"No horse?" asked Eragon.

"We take rafts from Tarnag until a trading post, Hedarth, from where we'll be given steeds. I'll walk until then. Anyway, I have some things for you." Orik dropped the bundle at his feet and revealed Eragon's armor, completely fixed.

"Ooohh, pretty."

Orik glared at the teenager. "Nobody asked you," he said rudely.

"Oh, burn."

Eragon looked hard. "I don't see a burn," he said.

"Oh, my god, you are so clueless." Eragon ignored her and reached down for his newly repaired helmet.

"Careful," said Orik. "Before you put that on, you must notice the symbol on the helm. That is the sign of our clan. Hrothgar wishes you to become one of us."

Saturnina rolled her eyes.

Eragon did his little ceremony-thing, and then he cut himself, at which point Saturnina remarked, "Well, don't turn emo on me or anything. God."

Eragon turned around. "Emo?"

She nodded and whipped out her digital camera. "Yup. Emo." And she snapped a shot of Eragon's cut before he could heal it. "Now I can tell Hilaria that you've gone emo."

"What? Hilaria's dead," said Nasuada, coming up behind them with Arya and Jormundur.

"Uh…yeah. I know that. So is Murtagh. And my grandpa. And President Ford. And Boromir of Gondor, and Saddam Hussein, and Walt Disney. Except he's cryogenically frozen under Disneyworld, so I'm not too sure if he's really dead."

This gave everyone sufficient reason to push it aside as crazy-girl ramblings.

Nasuada turned again to Eragon, began a long speech about how everyone had power now, and Saturnina began the long process of explaining her camera to Saphira.

"See, it lets you keep the image of something forever," she began.

"Like a fairth?" asked Arya, who had overheard that part.

"Uh…no. A fairth relies on magical strength, and the having the image of something in your mind. This allows you to keep images without tiring you at all." She took a shot of Saphira. "See?"

"But this screen here, you rely on that to show you the image, and then it removes some of the energy from the camera, so it is like a fairth," Arya argued. "Anyway, it is time to leave. Aiedail has set, and we have far to go."

"Aye," said Orik. He grabbed a red lantern.

"Very well," said Nasuada. "Eragon and Saphira, you have the Varden's blessings. May your journey be safe. Remember, you carry the weight of all our hopes and dreams, so act honorably."

"No pressure," said Saturnina companionably.

"We will do our best," promised Eragon, glaring at Saturnina. He started after Arya, was followed by Orik, Saphira, and then Saturnina.

Finally they passed a pair of ginormo doors and exited Farthen Dur. "This is our path," said Orik.

"Should we be playing, like, pipe organs and shit?" asked Saturnina. "Don't tell me we're going to be spending two days underground. In the dark."

"Scared?" teased Eragon.

"Yup. And that red light isn't helping much."

"There is nothing to be feared in the tunnels of the dwarves," said Orik. "You will be safe."

"Nothing to fear but her," muttered Eragon under his breath.

**Right….okay peeps, from now until August im gonna be at camp, so no more updates. Wow, I remember when I did this way back at chapter 12!**

**See ya till then!**


	27. Six Freaking Shades!

**Well, back again…had fun at camp…you know the drill, and by now you want me to get on with the chapter, so let's get started, shall we?**

**Alsdssg: yeah. I noticed. Btw, I really like your Canon and Fanon story.**

**Apollamarine: french is excused. Everyone loves the French!**

**Azulcat: sticks out tongue**

**Crimson and Chrome 42: interesting. Might have to try that!**

**Diamondchild: depends on the song she's listening to!**

**Dracosfling: oh ho…. might work.**

**DragonRider2000: meep. Meep meep. Well you waited, didn't you?**

**Elevanya: well den it's a dang good thing I'm not you, no?**

**Invaderm: I did, thank you!**

**Luveroffanfic: the burning plains? Shit. Forgot about those. Dammit! A damn hard place to be funny about!**

**Megalomaniac-Dude: uh, yeah I do, I did this last year, too…**

**MissMonkey91: I have to think of a reply later and get back to you on that one…**

**Sarimia: yeah, well, that's what I do when I work on my other stories.**

**Single-Black-Rose: kaboom.**

**SOPROL: I'm working on it, dammit!!**

**Spottedstar106: yes. No more updates. Jesus, stop acting like it's for forever!**

**Tehe-61: if I've never heard it? **_**If I've never heard it?**_** I feel like tacos.**

**Whispering Lillies: hah! Dealing with you reviewers, I can't tell if SOB means you're crying or you calling me a certain name…but of course you know I'm a girl…**

**People, I would like you to remember that I am running on a pattern here, and when I write a chapter about Saturnina, and you all tell me you have an idea about her doing something in the next chapter, please remember that the next chapter is about Hilaria. Sorry to spoil the fun.**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Six. Freaking. Shades. Six!**

Hilaria sat on the floor and hummed. "I've got ADD and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have…" Indeed, before she'd left the Varden Hilaria had purloined Saturnina's entire collection of multicolored Sharpies. And let me tell you, she had a lot of them. The whole rainbow, plus all the funky new colors they keep coming out with.

(_Somewhere far away, at this point Saturnina screamed loudly causing many echoes off the tunnels, upon the discovery that all her Sharpies were gone. "And what were you planning to do with them?" asked Eragon suspiciously. "Never you mind," answered Saturnina, rather huffily.)_

In this case, Hilaria was sitting on the floor in Galbatorix's throne room. Sitting at the base of the throne, to be exact. Put two and two together: Hilaria. Sharpies. Next to the throne.

Get my meaning? I hope so.

According to the list of stupid rules posted in her room, vandalism was the number-one crime. There was a list of stupid rules because Galbatorix had guessed (quite rightly, in fact) that Hilaria would like to cause as much destruction and mayhem as possible. He also guessed (rightly) that she would break all of them. Oh, well.

What was she drawing, you ask? Oh…from a brief unscheduled reconnaissance visit to his room, Hilaria knew that the Emo King's favorite color was black.

Humming slightly to herself, the teenager selected the black marker and threw it over her shoulder, where it conveniently landed out the window. She then picked out the six shades of pink there were, and the silver marker. Settling down into a comfortable position, she removed the caps and daintily put them on the ends of their respective markers.

**(A/N: I actually have the Sharpie website on another window. the six shades of pink in question are: pink lemonade, pink, magenta, berry, rose, and brick red, which looks more like a dark pink so it counts. There are 39 Sharpie colors in total. Plus the metallics.)**

Cracking her knuckles, she got to work. Hearts, flowers, little fuzzy animals, fairies and mermaids, stars, she drew them all. But only a few fairies. She knew Saturnina would kill her if she didn't put in the fairies.

Didn't mean she had to include more that 5, though. Whistling a song (Here with Me by Michelle Branch), she finished with the throne and looked down.

Hilaria gasped. The floor was made of unadorned white marble…perfect for drawing things! So much space! Ah, opportunities like this should not be wasted on small doodles! Capping the pink markers, Hilaria selected the various shades of orange and yellow, got down on her hands and knees, and began to work.

"Galbatorix, Shruikan ate my bed again and I—" Stopping in his tracks, Murtagh looked at the doodle-covered throne, and then down at Hilaria. "What are you DOING?"

She gave him the finger. "Oh, that's nice," said Murtagh sarcastically. "Giving me the finger. Really mature."

Hilaria looked up. "Hmm? What? Oh, hi there, Paul."

"Paul? My name's Murtagh!"

"What? But I thought your nickname was Paul!"

"Paul has nothing to do with the name Murtagh. It's a horrible nickname!"

"Whatever, Paul." Hilaria shook her head. "And I wasn't giving you the finger. You asked me what I was drawing."

Now that Murtagh looked again, he realized that he could faintly see the outlines of a giant hand with the middle finger sticking up. **(A/N: argh! I just scratched my back on my sunburn, oh the pain!!) **She had even thoughtfully made it pointing towards the throne, so Galbatorix could metaphorically give the finger to anyone who entered the room.

"Only problem is," grunted Hilaria, "I just can't seem to get the knuckles right." She looked up expectantly.

Murtagh sighed. "Yes, _fine_, I'll help you, going against all my better judgment."

"You don't have better judgment," she said, and punched him on the arm. Then the shade called 'pumpkin' ran out of ink. "Dammit! I'm really mad now!" she yelled. In fact, she was actually mad, as she was almost crying.

"What's the big deal?" asked Murtagh.

"It's not my marker! And that was the color I was going to use for the fingernails!" she cried. "God dammit—_rïsa!_" screamed Hilaria. To her utter surprise, the broken marker rose into the air and banged against the wall several times until the ink came spurting out.

"Oh," said Hilaria. She blinked a few times and then fell over, asleep.

"Great," muttered Murtagh. "We've got a hyperactive psychopath running around the castle, and now she can use _magic._ Just brilliant."

"**You—complete—**_**arse**_**—Ronald—Weasley!" Hermione Granger, **_**Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows**_**. Took me seven hours and ten minutes to read it. I'm getting slow.**

**Short? Maybe. Deal with it. Next chapter might be longer. Might.**

**So, anyway, Michelle has held a war council with herself and decided that she is not getting enough screen time (uh, hello? coughselfishcough) and Saturnina is in the spotlight way too much, so now Hilaria's using magic. Don't you dare accuse me of Mary-Sueing. Blame her—PM HughesHanajimaHilariaHypocrite if you have an issue. (Note: Michelle sincerely apologizes for this, and I was PMSing, so please don't be mad at her.)**

**With that parting note, I take my leave…**


	28. Elves Need Their Beauty Sleep

**Have I yet mentioned that I freaking hate high school? I have like no free time. That is why I am SO sorry to say (hold your horses people, I didn't say the H-word yet, stop freaking) so sorry to say that chapters will not be coming quite as frequently as we are used to. EDIT: please read the authors not at the bottom regarding reviews and time management.**

**Hah, fooled you all.**

**alsdssg: I know, isn't she? Yes poor Murtagh…he will indeed be several brain cells short by the time we're done with this…**

**DragonRider2000: It does indeed sound odd, because the sentence "were your summer's?" makes no sense to me.**

**dracosfling: ach, enough guilt-tripping already…**

**bananasrokk: I ate, but I read while I ate. It is a miracle, since I was at camp.**

**WWMTgirl: THREE HOURS?**

**SOPROL: yup, yup, I am awesome.**

**Apollamarine: a party? Yeah, my sister had one of those. She baked a frickin cake.**

**Azulcat: I SAID I WAS AT CAMP DAMMIT!**

**Elevanya: oh god, not the 'face my wrath' thing again. We've been over this already, I'm not scared of your wrath!**

**Megalomaniac-Dude: SUCK IT UP.**

**Whispering Lilies: Yeah, he's going to flip a shit.**

**5oclock.autumn: ahahahah, mine is an evil laugh!**

**tehe-61: except, you know, she has other plans.**

**Crimson and Chrome 42: ah yes, our little graffiti artist will have very much fun.**

**IHateSeverusSnape: hmph.**

**eragons gf: heh heh heh.**

**Snowfur: bwahaha! It aint up to me. Plead your case to Hilaria.**

**hilary poter harrys sis: what…the…hell?**

**Liah Cauthon: I know…I'm awesome. Worship me.**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Elves Need Their Beauty Sleep**

Eragon slept the sleep of those without troubles. Well, he had troubles, of course, and problems, oh yes, lots of those, but he was sleeping anyway.

And why not? The phrase 'losing sleep over something' had never made any sense to Saturnina. When SHE was worried about stuff, it didn't keep HER from sleeping. Ah, whatever.

She reached into her backpack.

Pulled something out.

Set it to maximum volume.

Put it in his ear.

"_MY FRIEND'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND AND HE HATES THAT BITCH!"_

Eragon sat up like someone had poured ice down his shirt.

"_HE TELLS ME EVERY DAY!"_

The Dragon Rider fumbled at his ears and pulled the earphones out, but it was so loud you could still hear them on the ground.

"_HE SAYS, MAN I REALLY GOTTA LOSE MY CHICK IN THE WORST KIND OF WAY!"_

Laughing her head off, Saturnina found the pause button and, you know, pressed it.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" screamed Eragon, thereby waking up Arya, Saphira, and Orik.

"Yes, Argetlam, what _was_ that for?" asked Orik angrily.

"Saturnina," began Arya, "if you ever wake me up like that again, I cannot and will not be held responsible for my actions."

Orik exchanged a glance with Saphira. _Is it just me or has she gotten quite a lot more violent since she met the girl?_ The dwarf just shrugged.

"Does anyone else feel like we're in a horror movie, with all these red lanterns?" Saturnina asked nobody in particular.

"What's a movie?" asked Eragon, Arya and Orik at the same time.

"Well, you would record thousands of images over the course of a certain amount of time so when you flip through them extremely quickly it looks like one moving image. And when you shine light through them to project them on a flat surface, so people can watch it, it's a movie. 'Horror' is a genre that features a scary movie," she stated matter-of-factly.

_I think we should get moving,_ commented Saphira. Saturnina rolled her eyes.

It was very boring, walking through the tunnels all day. VERY boring. Saturnina decided she should do something about that.

But she didn't know what. This was bad; she realized she'd never had trickster's block before. _Dammit Hilaria, where are you when I need you?_

Saturnina smirked, remembering that Hilaria was in Uru'baen. _Just don't drive Murtagh TOO crazy._

_Oh, and if the third dragon hatches for you, I myself will personally kill you._ A very morbid person, our Saturnina.

With the loss of her sharpies, she could no longer doodle all over the tunnels…she would have to go through with her and Hilaria's original plan (**see chapter 15**) and get Eragon and Arya together. Trouble was, there's not much you can do with a backpack full of books, cards, and nearly-dead technology when you're in a dark tunnel.

Except maybe play romantic music and carefully shove the two next to each other while they were sleeping.

Yeah, this would so never work. Saturnina cracked her knuckles and went back to the drawing board. Maybe she could spike their drinks with some faelnirv? Yeah. Where was she going to get faelnirv, hmm? …Unless Arya carried some. It made sense, if she was ever tired in a bad place she would need to drink it.

_Now would be a wonderful time for me to develop x-ray vision,_ she thought._ Oh hell, I can't do anything until we hit Tarnag. I can wait till then. I think. For now I'll just stick to being the alarm clock._

But her plan was foiled that night.

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Eragon was sleeping the sleep of those with a few troubles, namely, he didn't want to be woken up again.

But he woke up anyway, this time for no reason at all. He saw a ghostly white glow, and a black silhouette hunched over it. strange, haunting music drifted slowly to his ears, and then suddenly stopped. The light was gone and the tunnels were black once more.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Saturnina's agonized scream rang through the tunnel. "IT'S GONE! THE BATTERY IS GONE! MY IPOD HAS NO MORE POWER! WHY, GOD, WHY?"

"SATURNINA, SHUT UP!" screeched Arya. She lunged and tackled the teenage Earthling, succeeding in wrapping her hands around the girl's throat.

"Oog…hack...hack…cough…wheeze…get offa me!" choked Saturnina. "I can't breathe…" Summoning the last of her strength, she rolled out from underneath the elf and gasped huge gasps.

"Why are you so touchy, anyway? Not a morning person?" she rasped. "Or do you need your beauty sleep? Is there someone you're trying to impress?"

"No such thing," Arya snapped. "I need to rest in case we are attacked."

"Cheerful," quipped Saturnina. "Hey, Orik, are we almost there?"

"Yes, we'll be there in about an hour," replied the dwarf.

In about an hour, true to his word, Orik led them to a large door in the tunnel. Opening it slowly, Saturnina gasped and shaded her eyes as bright light flooded the tunnel.

That was when something large, hard and purple slammed into her head at high speeds.

**I will not have a quote today. I am forgoing the quote in favor of bringing up an issue here.**

**A note to all anonymous reviewers: just because the site will not stop you from reviewing multiple times per chapter does not mean I like it when you do so.**

**I recently received an anon review from, ahem, 'hilary poter harrys sis,' asking me if there was going to be any harry potter and then bitching about my reading skills:**

u red it in 7 hours and 10 mins it took me 2 days u (insert swear word)

(starts criying) how dere u (goes on criyind 4 the next hour) yea im ova it so

r u gonna add harry potter in this story some how ok dont warry about it

stupid question this is abut eragon not harry (runs to bath room and starts to

sliash wrists and dies) so any hu ...

**actual spelling. This morning a I recieved another one from her: **will u hurry up an update already ive been watin for at least a munth

**I, apparently unlike you, have a life. I have time commitments that must be kept: school, activities, stuff like that. What the hell gives you the right to tell me when and when not to update? You have no authority over me at all. You keep reviewing like that and I am liable to put this story on hiatus just to spite you; I'm crazy like that. Do not ever review my story again, unless you learn how to spell and learn some respect. Even if you do get those things (unlikely, considering your other reviews) it will take some serious groveling to make me stop. A simple 'I'm sorry' will not work on me. Never review my story again unless you undergo a personality switch. Do not attempt to contact me. This goes for anyone else too: I have no sympathy for flamers who both attempt to have authority over me and cannot spell at the same time. 'hilary,' you apparently think we all love you and will accept your crap. We don't. Get over it.**

**Oh, and a tip? suicide is not the answer.**

**smiles sweetly Everyone else, thank you fro your continued support, I hope to have another chapter up soon! The song used in the beginning of the chapter was "Why Don't You Get a Job" by The Offspring.**


	29. Candy Mountain, Charlie!

**Today we celebrate two momentous events, my dear readers (well actually three but the third one is at the bottom): Halloween and over 400 reviews. YAYNESS! I FEEL LOVED!**

**5oclock.autumn: somehow writing the Hilaria chapters is easier…maybe because they don't need to advance the plot.**

**alsdssg: hell, neither do I. but its necessary. Fear the boredom of Saturnina!**

**Apollamarine: THANK YOU FOR SEEING SENSE.**

**dracosfling: yes I'm very good at pwnage, I know.**

**DragonRider2000: ack, spiders…good ideas though…**

**Draye: yeah. Good haul this year, no?**

**Elevanya: you know, I don't actually MIND the color pink. It's a nice color. Don't automatically assume that makes me a girly girl fembot freak. That pisses me off.**

**IHateSeverusSnape: more to come; oh yes precious, lots more.**

**Kontraband: oh gods PLEASE DON'T that will give me such a headache…thank you, though.**

**Lady-Luthien-Ancalimon: ack. the THING.**

**Liah Cauthon: KABOOM. That's just me being random.**

**Sarimia: yes! There will be more! In fact, there IS more!**

**Single-Black-Rose: …yeah well POO TO YOU.**

**Snowfur: yup. Galby's gonna be mad. Not yet though.**

**sock monkeys: write and may good fortune go with you.**

**SOPROL: thank you for taking pity! thank you!**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare: I feel so loved…**

**Whispering Lillies: Many sleepless nights will be had over the loss.**

**xLzM: Islanzadi will HATE her.**

**hilary potter harrys sis: …huh. Um, please see bottom note…**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Candy Mountain, Charlie!**

"Ahaha! Now that you know magic I can learn your true name!" cackled Galbatorix.

Hilaria was unfazed. "Uh…okay? Shoot."

"Ah hah, but I already know it!" the insane king shrieked. "Michelle! Michelle!"

"Dude, that's not my true name." Hilaria raised an eyebrow.

"What? It's not? Dammit!" The king stormed off angrily.

"Hn." Murtagh stood against the wall.

Hilaria rounded on him, deviousness sparkling in her eyes. "Say, Paul, do you believe in…_unicorns?_"

Murtagh blinked. "Um. No. Unicorns aren't real."

She advanced closer. "Even ones named…_Charlie?_" Her voice dropped to a whisper.

"Personal bubble! _Personal bubble!_" he yelled. "And what the hell kind of name is Charlie?"

"Charlie! Wake up, Charlie! Yeah, Charlie you silly sleepyhead, wake up!" chanted Hilaria in a hideous singsong voice. Murtagh backed away slowly, then turned and ran. Hilaria pursued, easily keeping up with him.

"We found a map, to Candy Mountain! Yeah, we're going to Candy Mountain, Charlie! It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!"

Murtagh began to scream to try and drown out the horrible thing that is Charlie the Unicorn, a YouTube video Saturnina had shown her a while ago.

"Our first stop is over there, Charlie!" Hilaria pointed, at a sewer.

"Oh god, what is that?" said Murtagh, unintentionally following the script.

"It's a leoplurodan! A MAGICAL leoplurodan! It's gonna guide our way to candy mountain!"

Murtagh rolled his eyes. "Okay, you do know there is no actually Candy Mountain, right?"

Hilaria gave him an accusing stare. "Shun the nonbeliever! Shun! Shun….!"

Murtagh blinked. "…Yeah." Somewhere on the other side of the castle, Shruikan roared.

"It has spoken! It has shown us the waaaaay!" Hilaria bounded off down the corridor.

"It didn't say ANYTHING!"

Murtagh rolled his eyes again and followed Hilaria into the gardens, which had several bridged streams running through them. Hilaria stopped in front of one of the older, more decrepit bridges.

"It's just over this bridge, Charlie, this magical bridge of hope and wonder!" she enthused in that horrible voice.

Murtagh grimaced and wondered, not for the first time and not for the last, why he was barefoot. "Is anyone getting, like, totally covered in splinters? Seriously, we shouldn't even be ON this thing."

"Charlie…Charlie….Charlie…"

"I'm right here, what do you want!" yelled Murtagh, seriously annoyed now.

"We're on a bridge, Charlie!"

Murtagh deadpanned. A passing gardener looked at them strangely but shook his head and kept walking.

"WE'RE HERE!" the gleeful yell brought caused the poor Rider to jump. There was a small pile of candy on the ground.

"Well what do you know, there actually is a candy mountain," remarked Murtagh, looking bemused."

"Go inside the candy mountain cave, Charlie!"

"Yeah, go inside the cave!" The sound of the second voice came from Galbatorix.

_Oh crap, he's never gonna shut up about this…_ Murtagh groaned to himself. But the King ignored him and rounded on Hilaria.

"JUST WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY THRONE ROOM?"

"I, uh, um, well, I, uh, HE HELPED!" Hilaria shrieked, pointing at Murtagh.

"What? No I didn't!" He yelped, startled, giving various denials.

"You so did! I can fingerprint the sharpies!"

"What does fingerprinting mean?" asked Galbatorix interestedly.

Hilaria waved him aside. "It's when you match a person's fingerprints to find out if they touched something. HE HELPED ME WITH THE VANDALISM!"

"I DID NOT!"

And within seconds a fistfight had broken out.

Galbatorix cradled his head in one hand. _What am I going to do with these two?_

"**I'd like to be under the sea in an octopus' garden with you." –Ringo Starr in the Beatles song "Octopus's Garden."**

**I don't care if it's short, I am short on time. I only realized about a day ago that I needed a Halloween chapter.**

**Well…everyone, I've had a change of heart. let's all stop being mean to Hilary, she was very nice in her apology. I don't feel like posting it, look it up on the reviews page.**

**Note to Hilary: 'shacking' is slang for having sex. I think you wanted to say you were 'shaking.'**

**HAVE FUN GETTING CANDY!**


	30. They SELL Those on eBay?

**MotherFUCKING computers. I recently took my laptop in to get the soundcard fixed; it simply refused to play the sound for online streaming media. Three days later I got a call from the computer guys while I was home from school sick, telling me that it turns out the source of my problem was not the soundcard, it was the Internet. My computer was allegedly riddled with viruses, Internet Explorer was locked, and we would have to save all my files to a backup hard drive and send the computer back to Factory Settings, which would erase all of my settings, make my computer faster, start all over again, but destroy all my unsaved files. We backed up the stuff, erased the settings, etc, and now my computer is perfectly fixed except for one thing--my email program, Eudora. For some reason none of the stored emails past October 21, 2006 were saved. Does anyone realize what this means? This means over 300 reviews, lost in the ether. 300+ reviews, meticulously alphabetically organized by chapter, story and user, now only accessible online.**

**Okay, rant over. Enjoy chapter 30, and have a happy Thanksgiving.**

**Sarimia: thanks! Happy Thanksgiving!**

**Whispering Lillies: Did you enter the candy mountain candy cave?**

**Elevanya: Hmm. I wonder why Murtagh was barefoot.**

**Kontraband: HAVE YOU PM-ED DRAYE YET WITH THE STUFF SHE NEEDS? I can't put you on the site until you do, you know...**

**Azulcat: what's lawl mean?**

**alsdssg: maybe because Novocain hadn't been invented yet? I'm only a sadist to my computer!**

**sock monkeys: what are you, a sock-obsessed monkey?**

**Snowfur: extremely so.**

**xXAjAXx: Really? Does she like the Beatles?**

**tehe-61: yeah, his bubble...I dunno...is swirly with emo-ness...**

**Princess Abbie of Stars: huh. Interesting. I dyed my hair blue. Two spray cans are not enough, oh no...**

**Single-Black-Rose: nooooo! I need enlightenment from my reviewers!**

**Apollamarine: I once spent the entire Passover Seder quoting that.**

**xLzM: heh. That's why she's there.**

**CourtneyPascal: really? Three? It's all I can do just to survive Latin...**

**QueenOfTheUnknown: yes. yes it was.**

**dracosfling: why, you merciless guilt-tripper.**

**5oclock.autumn: come on now, you're not really telling me you believe that?**

**hilary potter harrys sis: you'll be honored to know that I used our flame-war as the topic for my in-class Personal Narrative Essay. We had to think of a defining moment in our lives. Hey, I was half asleep; don't blame me. And I got a 90 on it, so thank you, Hilary, for giving me my wonderful 3.0 average in English.**

**tearseternal: I can't tell if you're laughing or shaking your head in disgust. She and Saturnina are both clean, by the way.**

**Wolflady13: Charlie...Charlie...We're on a bridge, Charlie!**

**Liah Cauthon: fucknuts, I need to update the site and put you on it...**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare: are you kidding me? It's an Internet legend!**

**Anjelica: more will come, precious, oh yes, more will come...**

**SOPROL: I live to serve my fans. Enjoy.**

**Urulokiwen: I do like candy...**

**deeya: heh. I'm amazing.**

**FirstGurlRider: good, I couldn't understand WHY you hated him. Alas, I fear I shall never know...**

**WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WITH ELLIPSES?**

**Chapter Thirty: They SELL those on eBay?**

"WHO THREW A PURPLE ROCK AT MY HEAD?" shrieked Saturnina. The purple thing flew around in wide circles around the tunnel, acting a bit like how Saturnina would if she were a dragon.

Someone snickered.

"I know that snicker..."

"Oh God, does that mean it's a friend of yours? I'm doomed..." sobbed Eragon.

"Be afraid, be very afraid," said a voice. Well, duh.

"Just one question..." began Saturnina."WHY do you have pointy ears?" Indeed Saturnina knew this girl. When Orik heard this, he collapsed on the ground.

The girl looked at him. "Okay, Saturnina, what did you do to them?" she sighed. "And what's her problem?" Arya was standing aloof off to the side, carefully not paying attention to anything.

"Hey. Arya has hated me since the beginning of time and will hate me since the end of time, it's not my fault!"

The girl shrugged and took Saturnina aside. "Okay. Before you say ANYTHING, the dwarves say you and Hilaria were in Tronjheim. I'm gonna guess Hilaria is Michelle?" Saturnina nodded. "Okay then. For the time being, as long as we are here, my name is...THORN TREESHADOW!" Thorn collapsed in a fit of giggles.

Dead silence.

"You freaking Mary Sue," said Saturnina slowly, but she was grinning.

"Hey!" came the loud objection. "We're in ALAGAESIA! Let me have some fun! Please?"

"The hell are you _begging_ me for? You're older than me!"

The girl named Thorn blinked. "Oh yeah…."

Saturnina looked around at all the dwarves. She'd momentarily forgotten that Tarnag was a dwarf city. "Looks like you fit right in," she not-so-subtly said, referring to the fact that Thorn's two-years-younger brother towered over her.

"Shut up," whined Thorn. Saturnina laughed. "Waa, Saturnina's being mean!!!" wailed Thorn.

"To someone other than me? Hooray!" shouted Eragon. The dwarves tried their hardest to be polite and not stare, but they failed miserably.

"So, was it you that threw a big purple rock at my head?" said Saturnina as the stared at the two girls talking about seemingly the most random and strange things, all with perfectly straight faces. It was quite intriguing.

"Rock? No, this is Type!" said Thorn as the purple…thing in question appeared and zoomed around her head.

"Type the stuffed dragon that was sitting in you room last time I saw it?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Oh, okay then."

They walked in silence, both trying to figure out how that made sense. Saturnina paused.

"So…if…never mind, WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

"Well!" spazzed Thorn.

"Oh god here we go," muttered Saturnina.

"So, I was in my room writing, and suddenly there was this crazy beeping sound! And I thought it was my computer crashing, but nooooo, it was _Type coming alive!_ And then there was this flash of green light and I ended up here!"

"HOW COME YOUR LIGHT WAS GREEN? OURS WAS PINK!" screamed the younger of the two hyper teenagers.

Thorn pointed and laughed. A second later both she and Saturnina looked with mild interest at the arrow aimed their way.

"Who are you and why do you have a dragon?" demanded Arya. "Speak!"

Thorn pushed the arrow away. "eBay. Now, as I was saying—"

"How long has it been since you acquired the dragon from this….eBay? How did he get it?" asked Orik suspiciously.

"Um…." Thorn thought. "Maybe, about, two years?" she looked at Saturnina, who was nodding thoughtfully. "Yeah, say two years."

Eragon immediately dove towards the only accusation he could see in the far off distance. "Why is it so small if you've had it for two years?"

Saturnina put a hand on his shoulder. "Eragon, Eragon, Eragon. Type is, always has been, and always will be the size of a cat."

_Hmph! Some Shur'tugal SHE is,_ sniffed Saphira.

"So, _anyway,_" ground out Thorn, "where's Hilaria, wasn't she with you?"

"She's dead," mumbled Saturnina. "And by dead I mean, lost. In, you know, the abyss."

"Ahh…" said Thorn knowingly. "She's dead. I see. Lost in the abyss. With Murtagh, I presume?"

"Yes, Murtagh died too," said Eragon quietly. Both Thorn and Saturnina wheeled around to face him with expressions that practically screamed 'I know something you don't know.' Eragon blinked, then shook his head as if to clear it.

"Well Saturnina, at least there's the feast tonight."

Saturnina gaped. "You mean _the_ feast?"

"Yep!" grinned Thorn.

"Sweet! Oh, and by the way, how long have you been here?" asked Saturnina as they walked away.

"Oh, about a couple of weeks. You?"

"We joined up with Eragon and Murtagh outside Gil'ead, I lost track of time."

Arya, Orik, Eragon and Saphira watched them go. "Should we trust her?" asked the dwarf. "She never clearly answered our questions."

"I do not think she means us harm," stated Arya. "She is like Saturnina, foolish, but she will not betray us."

"We'll let her travel with us, just to keep an eye on her," decided Eragon.

"**Yes, we regularly stay up until 2:00 AM, yes, we're perfectly fine at school, and yes, we do have extreme fun while we stay up, but when we crash, it's not pretty." –Me, on the subject of people who stay up to all hours of the night. I once fell asleep at 5:30 PM and woke up at 8:30 AM. That's 15 hours of sleep, people. Yeesh!**

**I only use that quote because it's currently 12:25 AM on November 22, 2007 at the time I'm writing this. I won't put it up until morning though. PM Draye if you have problems with this new addition to our little bunch. (Edit- I've just been informed that it's hard to tell the relationship between the two. Thorn is one of Saturnina's best friends.)**

**It's a metaphor, see? Paolini made a WONDERFUL metaphor and never even realized it. Arya says she followed the Urgals to a big crevasse, abyss, whatever the hell she says. 'Lost in the abyss' is just a fancy way of saying 'dead.' The phrase has been around forever.**

**Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! It's like my FAVORITE holiday. I'm watching the parade on TV right now (it's about 8 hours latter that I write this than what it says up there). I never, ever, EVER want to see Legally Blonde on broadway now. And they just finished the musical piece from Xanadu--Dad says it sounds like the worst musical ever.**

**Enjoy turkey day!**


	31. Definitions on Request

**Why does my internet browser decide that it absolutely NEEDS to crash if I use the scrollbar on the ****mouse pad****? Oh and wait, you're gonna love this—I rebooted it, and then it crashed the **_**wireless network manager.**_** Good, right?**

**Alsdssg: What possibly possessed you to not sleep?**

**Apollamarine: a marshmallow, hmm?**

**CourtneyPascal: **_**thinking**_** in Spanish? Maybe if I could think in Latin I'd save my floundering test grades…**

**Dracosfling: puuurfect? Is that even a word?**

**Draye: you know you had it coming.**

**Fanticylover517: nah, she's not really obsessed anymore. Once the girls realized what true idiots the boys were, they kind of stopped obsessing.**

**Hilary potter harrys sis: well, hope you had fun...**

**Kontraband: not even gonna bother replying.**

**Lady-Luthien-Ancalimon: what, don't you think pleases are pretty already?**

**Liah Cauthon: Oh dear god do NOT make her a –sama, she's already a –dana, stop now before she gets to like it and makes ME call her that!**

**Runelesca: yay, I be happy now…**

**Sarimia: whoops.**

**Single-Blac****k-Rose: what the hell were you g****oing to do with a ram's horn?**

**Sock monkeys: yaydoodles….well, I like it, even if the spell-check doesn't.**

**Tearseternal: well, yeah, unless someone decides to move her.**

**Toxique: Oh god, n****o, no of course, I totally get ****were you're coming from. I'm really trying to make this not be one of those fics where ****like ****15 of the OC's friends come over.**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare: ten minutes? How did you breathe?**

**xXAjAXx****: ….she named his food? O.****o**

**Chapter Thirty-One:**** Definitions on Request.**

Murtagh came upon Hilaria trying to break down a door. _Why does this always happen?_ he asked himself as he approached her. "What are you doing?"

Hilaria turned around, her face all innocence. "Hey Murtagh," she asked sweetly, "what's the word for fire?"

Alarm bells instantly went off in Murtagh's head, but he didn't know why, so he shrugged and answered the question. "Brisingr, why?"

"Thank you. _Brisingr!_" said Hilaria. The door instantly burst into flame, and Murtagh realized too late that it was the library door.

"Hilaria," he asked tiredly, "why are you breaking into the library? On an aside, why does the library require breaking into?"

"Because Galbatorix locked the door so I wouldn't be able to ransack the library to learn magic," said Hilaria by way of answer as she stepped through the smoldering doorway.

_What have I done?_ Murtagh wailed to himself in horror.

Hilaria then proceeded to memorize an Ancient Language dictionary. "Hmm, so, a Fethrblaka is a bird, and a Skulblaka is a dragon, so blaka could mean wing or something like that… Alrighty then, now that the important things have been taken care of, it's time to annoy Murtagh!

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"Salutations, my fulsome bourgeois!" Hilaria practically screamed in Murtagh's ear.

"What the hell?"

"Now, now, Murtagh, be nice or I will have to expunge you!" she said cheerfully. Had Murtagh known what it meant to expunge, he would have started running very quickly, because nobody can say they're going to expunge someone that cheerfully.

As it was, he didn't know what expunge meant, but he ran outside anyway because Hilaria was freaking him out.

"Oh, look," said Hilaria following him outside, "a penumbra. Perhaps it will precipitate most piacularly today. The paucity of rain lately has been quite a pygalgia."

"Look, what are you _saying?_" burst out Murtagh.

"I'm merely commenting on the fact that you are a cockalorum and a gobemouche who is contumacious, hobbledehoyish and soporific with an agley mind."

Murtagh slapped his forehead. "Why did I ever let you into that library?"

Hilaria was interested. "And what prompts you to pose that argute question, which is so unlike you because you deeply lack arguteness?"

"Oh, for the love of…here, YOU go that way, and I'LL go this way. How about that, hmm?" Murtagh looked up hopefully. Hilaria deadpanned for a few seconds, then brightened up and began talking at a rapid pace.

"You know, when Eragon finds out you're alive he's gonna want you to expiate yourself. But you patently won't, because you're quite diaphanous and your miniscule brain can't grapple with the stress. Now shut up or I'll defenestrate you based on your mental facilities, which have obviously been experiencing a degringolade."

_Now_ Murtagh was interested. "What does expiate mean? Is that like expatriate? Because I am NOT moving to Surda, it's way too hot there in the summer. Or maybe expatiate? Still, no, because I don't like wandering around with no purpose."

Hilaria rolled her eyes and walked away. "You really ARE asinine, aren't you?"

Galbatorix came and stood next to Murtagh. "I'm thinking, kill her."

"If we did Saturnina might come kill us," said Murtagh tiredly. "Not worth the risk."

Meanwhile, Hilaria was busy—she was systematically chopping up a watermelon.

Thorn came up next to her. _What ARE you doing?_

"Chopping a watermelon."

_I noticed. Why?_

"Because I LIKE watermelon and I haven't had any in AGES."

_Do you only use big words around Murtagh, then?_

Hilaria looked over. The red dragon seemed genuinely interested. "Only Murtagh and Galbatorix."

Thorn laughed. _I like that idea. Can I have some watermelon?_

Hilaria's face instantly took on a defensive air. She narrowed her eyes. "No. Go find your own. I see it all now, it's a plot! To rid me of my watermelon!"

Murtagh appeared in the doorway. "Why do I sense that an alliance has just been made that will benefit you but leave me a gibbering wreck forever?"

Thorn and Hilaria looked at each other. "Because it was," answered Hilaria pleasantly. "Although I was dulcetly buffaloed when you agnized what we were contriving."

Murtagh looked at Thorn. "Do you understand any of this?"

Thorn looked at Murtagh in total disbelief. _Yes. But no, I won't interpret for you._

"Why is my dragon so completely set on humiliating me?" Murtagh asked no one in particular.

_Because I'm me and you're you,_ replied Thorn cryptically.

**"I don't believe in unicorns, but then I haven't written any books called **_**The End of Unicorns, Unicorns Are Not Great, **_**or **_**The Unicorn Delusion.**_** Clearly the atheists go beyond disbelief; they are on the warpath against God." –Dinesh D'Souza, AOL newsblogger.**

**Ah, chapter titles: a wonderful way to get my message across.**

**Look, guys, I'm sorry it was so short after so long a wait, but I was just dumped while writing this and I didn't feel like having to spend the next 3 hours finding long words so I could lengthen the chapter. Sorry.**

**As for the both the dragon and Saturnina's friend being named Thorn? Yeah. She did that on purpose.**


	32. Pigeon Rights Activists

**So, yeah, I spilled Gatorade on my keyboard and my parents say I can't get another laptop immediately, so I'm using another one to write, and I also couldn't update until I finally got around to showing Michelle a map of Alagaesia and plotting the next phase of this thing.**

**AND I have a sore throat so I can't talk without sounding like a ****smoker so I get to stay home fro****m school! Yayness!**

**alsdssg: yes, indeed we are powerless against insomnia.**

**Apollomarine: ...sing? Whoa boy...now I'M scared.**

**dracosfling: cat language? Wow. So now my cats are plotting behind my back?**

**DragonRider2000: I used to think a watermelon would grow in my stomach if I ate the seeds.**

**Draye: bleh indeed. I can't get a new computer until report cards!**** And then only if I kept my average, which I ****know**** I didn't.**

**Elevanya: vampire butterflies are PURTY!**

**fanticylover517: how much sugar have you had recently?**

**HHHH: fooey.**

**hilary potter harrys sis: um...yay?**

**Kontraband: no, they're real words. Have you gotten started on your BS yet?**

**Liah Cauthon: Draye-baka, I like that!**

**Liana-Wolfe: ****Ooh, are YOU a pyro too?**

**Single-Black-Rose:**** Oh, I LOVE doing that. NIOSENOISENOISE!**

**sock monkeys:**** she was pretty much just insulting them in various different ways.**

**tearseternal:**** so look it up. Long words are fun!**

**xXAjAXx:**** yeah, I'll bet.**

**Whispering Lillies: ****Yes, she's finally gotten to them!**

**Chapter Thirty-Two:**** Pigeon Rights Activists**

"So, I'm thinkin' we need to get Hilaria back over here," decided Thorn.

"I'm thinkin' you may be right," agreed Saturnina. She grabbed a random pigeon and shoved a letter in its mouth. The bird gagged several times and hacked up the ball of paper. "God dammit, WHY WON'T YOU SWALLOW THE FREAKING LETTER?"

Thorn intervened. "Hey! You don't WANT the bird to swallow the letter. Then it would crap it out and I don't think Hilaria would be too happy with a crap-covered letter!" Saturnina ignored her and kept jamming the letter until it stayed.

"Fly, you random bird! Fly!" she cried, violently shoving it out the window. The confused pigeon fell several feet before Saturnina grabbed it again and hurled it in the direction of Uru'baen.

"You know pigeons aren't messenger birds, right?" commented Thorn, watching the pigeon struggle with the letter.

"Whatever," declared Saturnina, waving a hand. "It's not like it'll die or anything."

"On another note, how do we get Eragon to fall for this? There's no way he'll let her back in the group," said Thorn.

"Short of crack?" Saturnina shrugged. "I dunno. We'll just wing it."

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

A half-dead pigeon landed next to Hilaria. "Who the hell shoved a piece of paper down a bird's throat?" She pulled the paper out and pushed the gagging bird out the window. "Saturnina, I'll kill you."

_Dude-_

_Can you get over here? We're in Tarnag, and I'm a-thinkin that the pranks just aren't the same._

_Also, Thorn's here. I need you to keep my sanity._

_-Saturnina._

"Wow," muttered Hilaria. "My name is dude now?"

She put down the paper and entered the throne room, whistling casually. An army of servants was scrubbing at the floor, trying in vain to erase the sharpie stains. Murtagh and Galbatorix were talking near the window.

"Oh, hell no, I do NOT need this right now!" yelled Murtagh, turning tail and marching towards his room. Hilaria grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him back. "No, honey, this is important."

Galbatorix raised an eyebrow. Hilaria took a breath. "I need to be going now," she declared.

"Oh, finally," the king sighed. "About time. What do you want, I'll give you a horse and supplies and everything, but just LEAVE."

Hilaria rolled her eyes. "Whatever, man. I need a horse and some supplies." Murtagh pushed her in the direction of some very eager servants, eager to see her leave. "Asses," muttered Hilaria.

Murtagh was talking very fast. "Okay so you're going to need a horse and a lot of water and some food and for your going-away-party do you want a vanilla or chocolate cake?"

"Cool it, emo-boy. I don't want a going-away-party!"

Murtagh blinked. "What's emo?"

Hilaria poked him. "Emo is YOU."

And THAT was how she found herself wandering in the desert. Wandering and sugar high.

"GOOD MORNING, WORLD!" she shouted at the sunrise. "Today is a beautiful day!" A bird sitting on a rock looked at her like _what the hell?_

"Oh, look," she said, gazing off into the distance. "Mountains. Large, large mountains." Hilaria reached into The Backpack and pulled out a compass. "Hmm, Tarnag is in…uh…THAT direction!" And she marched off.

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Saturnina and Thorn stared at Eragon. "I think he's dead," whispered Thorn. Saturnina nodded.

"Dear GOD he's a heavy sleeper," she added. "But he needs to wake up so we can get a move on with the Plot!"

"Hmm…maybe you should just throw some water on him?" suggested Hilaria, sticking her head out of the closet she was hiding in.

"Well, there is that. Aren't you supposed to be hiding?"

"I got bored!" Hilaria whined.

Thorn rolled her eyes. "We go back into the closet so we can wake up Eragon!" She shoved the hyper teenager back into said closet and poured a bucket of water on the sleeping Dragon Rider.

"What the—oh, it's you two," he said, dripping heavily. "I ask yet again, WHY do you take such pleasure in waking me up in the morning with a bucket of cold water?"

"Because it's fun and you're the heaviest sleeper we've ever met," declared Saturnina, fervently hoping that Eragon didn't see the myriads of small mirrors set up around the room.

Thorn quickly took a flashlight covered with a pink lens out of her pocket and shined it in the direction of the mirrors.

A pink flash, remarkably similar to the one that had first sent Saturnina and Hilaria to Alagaesia, shined in the room. Eragon covered his eyes, just missing the sight of Hilaria stepping out of the closet. Thorn turned the flashlight off and stowed it back in her pocket. The flash disappeared.

"Oh…hello, Eragon," said Hilaria.

"WHAT THE HELL?" screamed Eragon. Arya and Orik rushed in and stared at Hilaria.

Eragon thought quickly, a major feat. "If you're still alive, where's Murtagh?"

Hilaria blanked on what she was going to say. Saturnina blinked and hurriedly improvised. She made up something that sounded like it could possibly resemble quantum physics at a stretch, but actually made no scientific sense whatsoever:

"Well, you see Eragon, we live in a different world, so when Murtagh and Hilaria were killed, the quantum superposition of our world and yours caused a linear transformation which sent Hilaria back to our world for a microsecond, but the quantum gravity caused her to bounce back to Alagaesia, and here she is."

"But that happened weeks ago," protested Arya.

Thorn took over. "Because of the time dilation, what took a few seconds for her lasted a couple of weeks for us."

"So…" said Orik slowly, "you went back to your world for a small time and then were transported back here instead of dying?"

"That about sums it up," declared Hilaria.

Eragon shook his head. "Whatever." And he walked out with Arya and Orik.

Saturnina plopped into a chair with a groan. Hilaria pumped a fist into the air. Thorn facepalmed. "Well, at least they believed it," she said in a muffled voice.

"What the hell is quantum superposition?" asked Hilaria. Saturnina shrugged. There was silence for a few seconds, and then all three of them started laughing hysterically.

It would be an eventful journey to Ellesmera.

**"In the Beginning, the Universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry and has widely been regarded as a bad move." –Douglas Adams, **_**The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.**_

**Um…yup, Saturnina's and Thorn's '****expla****nation' does make no sense. I took a bunch of fancy-sounding words from Wikipedia in order to sufficiently confuse Eragon & Co.**

**Sorry, folks. The reason this took so long was that I was stuck on how to have Hilaria come back to the group, but I needed to have a believable reason for Eragon to let her back in. I decided that if he just accepted her that would be crossing a MAJOR line of OOC-ness. There are certain lines I refuse to cross; this was one of them. Then Michelle decided we should stage the Pink Flash and make up something that used some exponentially long words that sounded like science.**

**See ya'll next time, hopefully sooner!**


	33. Funball, Funball, Funball

**HAPPY TWO YEARS BOTHERING ALAGAESIA!! March 11, 2006—that was when I first made my appearance as an author.**

**Of course I only remembered this joyous occasion on the bus ride to school, so I spent all ABC (7:45-8:30) ****and TUV (12:55-1:45) ****typing up chapter 33 for **_**your viewing pleasure. ****Enjoy.**_

**fanticylover517: haha, I hate it when that happens. Yeah, they were really mad about it for a while.**

**Sarrebham1: ****Ooh, thank you! I love it when people tell me they just read the whole thing. I go to Camp Wayne for Girls, it's not specifically a Jewish camp, but pretty much everyone there is Jewish. I would so LOVE to use the Harry Potter idea, but there's no way for them to be carrying all seven books.**

**WWMTgirl: thanks!**

**Liana-Wolfe: pyros unite!**

**EmoDragonstar: Thanks! I guess hyper teenagers think alike…**

**dracosfling****: yeah, I have cats, but we don't interact practically at all.**

**Urulokiwen: Thank you! I'll be sure to!**

**luckystar125: thanks!**

**sock**** monkeys: Wow…it shouldn't have….EXPUNGE!**

**DragonRider2000: Well. When pigs fly…**

**Liah Cauthon: i-Todd? That's random…Oh well.**

**faxnessfan101: thank ****youuuuu**

**Draye: yay big words indeed!**

**Elevanya: you are a**** random, random person. And that is just amazing.**

**Apollomarine: yay for procrastination!**

**missy****: thanks!**

**DragonFlame2012: I know, right? Thanks!**

**x-gringoni-x: um…cool…I guess…**

**Chapter 33: ****Funball, Funball, Funball**

"Please, Saphira?" asked Hilaria sweetly.

_No._

"Why not?"

_I am NOT letting the three of you play with fire._

"We're not playing," interrupted Saturnina. "We're seriously setting stuff on fire."

_My point exactly._

"She doesn't trust us," said Thorn sorrowfully. "I'm hurt."

_You should be._

The three girls walked away. "Well, that scrapped that plan," muttered Hilaria.

"I can't believe she doesn't trust us with fire," Saturnina complained.

"Saturnina, _I _don't trust you with fire," declared Thorn. "You're a pyromaniac."

Saturnina stuck her tongue out. "So what do we do now?"

"Now we follow Eragon around on a tour of the temple. Unless you have any other ideas."

"Oh _hell_ no," protested Hilaria. "We're going to teach the dwarves how to play funball."

"Can you first teach ME how to play funball? Whatever funball is?" asked Thorn.

Saturnina whispered in her ear for a few seconds. Thorn grinned. "We're going to play funball against the dwarves?"

"And we're going to _kick ass,_" agreed Hilaria.

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Before long they'd found a group of fourteen dwarves willing to learn what funball was, including Orik who just wanted to keep an eye on the girls.

"Okay," shouted Hilaria across a field. "There are five balls. If you get hit with one, you're out. Stand on that side of the field of you're out. All balls are live, which means that if a ball is on the ground and you accidentally step on it, you're out."

"This bright orange ball is the Power Ball," yelled Thorn. If you catch it in the air, your whole team gets back in. If you catch any of the other balls, the one who threw it is out and two people come back in on your team."

"Orik will be serving as referee, even though he is biased," announced Saturnina. "The rest of you will be spilt into two teams, and you can feel free to name yourselves. We will also be playing, but we'll be switching teams each round."

One team became the Fighting Knurla, and the other team was the Roaring Beorn. Saturnina, Hilaria and Thorn placed themselves with the Fighting Knurla for now.

"BEGIN!" shouted Orik.

Hilaria threw a ball and missed by feet. The dwarf she'd been aiming at laughed, and sent the Power Ball flying towards Saturnina, who dodged. Thorn was the first to land a hit; Orik's second cousin was out.

"GLOMPTACKLE!" Hilaria dived on top of Saturnina, saving her from a ball.

"BONSAI!" screamed Thorn, hurling a ball at another dwarf.

Two dwarves of the Fighting Knurla were hit by friendly fire (from Saturnina and Thorn), and Saturnina quickly made up for it by catching the Power Ball on a fly.

A few minutes later, the Fighting Knurla lost, and the three teenagers situated themselves with the Roaring Beorn.

Hilaria was out and the Roaring Beorn were losing when Eragon came back from his tour. Before his eyes he saw a veritable battlefield, as the dwarves had quickly gotten into the game and were now playing enthusiastically.

"What the _hell_ is going on here?" he asked.

"Funball!" shouted Thorn in response. "Pick a team!"

"Uhh….them!" decided Eragon, choosing the Fighting Knurla. Probably because it was the team against Saturnina, Hilaria and Thorn.

And whaddaya know! The Roaring Beorn immediately started winning again.

"FOR PANCAKES!" screamed Saturnina as she caught the Power Ball.

The rest of the day followed in much the same fashion, until eventually only Eragon was left on his team, facing off against the three girls.

"Okay, Eragon," lectured Saturnina. "You have fought bravely. You may surrender now, and you will be spared. Continue to fight and we will proceed without mercy."

"Since when have you shown me mercy? I've probably lost five hundred brain cells since you got here!"

"I take it then," intoned Hilaria, "that you wish to fight. One, two, three!" And all three teenagers let fly.

"You know something?" announced Thorn. "I think we have just revolutionized dwarven culture forever."

"Damn straight!" said Hilaria and Saturnina in unison.

"You lost, Argetlam," chuckled Orik. "You lost to a bunch of girls."

Eragon was sulking. "You weren't playing; you didn't know what it was like."

"Well, no, but it was very funny to see you beaten."

"Orik, I like the way you think." Saturnina grinned. "I'm going to LOVE traveling to Ellesmera."

"My people will not be as supportive to your tricks as these dwarves are," warned Arya, appearing out of nowhere.

"Says you!" Hilaria stuck her tongue out.

"Me, I personally agree. If they're anything like Arya, anyway," said Thorn.

"You traitor!" gasped Saturnina.

"Well somebody has to keep our heads attached!"

"We don't have executions in Du Weldenvarden," snapped Arya. "Why do you think us so cruel?"

The last part of that statement was lost to the Earthlings, who were grinning at each other in revelation of the fact that they could do anything they wanted and _not get killed._

"Why did you just tell them that, Arya?" groaned Eragon, catching the drift.

**"Even before I started school I'd had a lurking suspicion that the female sex was inherently superior, but my first day of kindergarten proved it conclusively. All I had to do was survey the playground at recess. Girls: drawing on the blacktop with chalk, jumping rope, conversing with one another. Boys: throwing dirt clods at trees. QED." -Adam Cadre, _Ready, Okay!_**

**The good news is that my computer is coming tomorrow (which kind of blows, because I would have liked to do year 2 on my new computer), and the even better news is that I'm also getting a Wacom Bamboo™ Pen Tablet.**

**...As I was typing that, the delivery guy came, with my NEW computer a day ahead of schedule. It's...beautiful...**

**The bad news is that the school blocked FF.N. Why, we don't know. That's why although I finished typing this relatively quickly for a Bo****thering Alagaesia chapter (1:30**** hours combined), I couldn't post it until later. Dangit.**

**Urg****, two years already? My little ficcy's all grown up…**


	34. Pirates of the Az Ragni

**I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't understand. What is this thing you call 'free time?' Wow, it sounds fun. I sure wish I had some.**

**No, seriously, guys. So first I had to update a bunch of my other stories, and then once I finally got to this one it was June. Do you know what that means? That means finals, tech crew, family gatherings, camp packing, the works. Zero time. Add that to writer's block, and it makes for some very unhappy readers.**

**Apollamarine: I know, wouldn't that be so awesome? But, I am trying to not make this the story where they have everything they need out of nowhere. I could have it so that out of the three of them they just happen to have all the books between them, but Thorn didn't grab her backpack before she left.**

**tehe-61: you can't have it…it's mine…**

**EmoDragonstar: it is insanely like dodge ball. But look it up…it has a Wikipedia article.**

**Elevanya: we've been over this before, your polar bears do not frighten me!**

**Sarrebham1: I know, and I'm sorry, but I'm glad you like it!**

**Liana-Wolfe: Arya will bring about the doom of Alagaesia, just you wait! Mwahahahah!**

**DragonFlame2012: Yeah, the elves are kind of doomed. I'm gonna have so much fun writing Vanir!**

**Walks In The Shadows: If that's a subtle hint for me to update and make it longer, I hear you.**

**FreakyD45663: Yes, they grow so fast!**

**Wise Night Raven: (shamelessly self-promotes) I have a serious fic…not sure if it's any good or not, as people seem to have stopped reviewing.**

**DragonRider2000: yes. Yes it does.**

**sock monkeys: yes I have, and I'm proud of it.**

**Kontraband: No, actually, this Thorn isn't a dragon…this Thorn is Draye. Yes, she picked that name just to confuse people (no kidding she did). You don't want to try funball? Don't come to my school. It's all we do in gym.**

**tearseternal: well, in theory, they'd be left alone with no one to play with. Which is bad, because when left alone is when they do their most evil plotting.**

**Whispering Lillies: Funball pretty much IS dodgeball.**

**hilary potter harrys sis: no, I don't watch Supernatural, I don't watch a lot of TV…mostly just illegal episodes of anime online. And Scrubs.**

**SpiceChaiPrincessOfDoom: Yeah, everyone else does that to get on Facebook…what exactly is the deal with Facebook that they absolutely NEED to be on it at school?**

**tia: yeah, about that…**

**cassidy: ooh…sorry, man…I hope everything turns out okay for you!**

**??: Keep your hair on, I'm working on it!**

**ANGELOFTHEBLACKROSES: thanks!**

**JayJay919: I know, I know! There is no excuse I could possibly give that everyone here hasn't heard a thousand times.**

**frosted muffin: I know, I know, don't remind me!!**

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Pirates of the Az Ragni**

"Wow man, you're just an all-around hated person, aren't you?" said Hilaria upon hearing that they would have to escape Tarnag in secret because of Eragon.

"And it's all your fault," said Saturnina.

Arya glared at her. "This goes far beyond anything Eragon might have done; the feud between the dragons and the dwarves goes far back to—"

"Yeah, yeah, generic backstory about some hated eternal enemy," said Thorn. "Can we just get moving before we get killed by a mob of angry midgets?"

Saturnina whapped her. "Don't piss off the angry midgets! And look who's talking!"

"Can you both PLEASE stop calling them angry midgets? You'll make them mad!" sighed Hilaria. "And if we make them mad they'll eat us!"

"Dwarves do _not_ eat people," snapped Orik. "Anyway, your friend also has a dragon, so it's partially her fault." Type landed on Orik's head. He promptly picked her up and dumped her in Thorn's arms.

"I shouldn't have accepted Hrothgar's offer," said Eragon, moping.

"Ah, what were you gonna do? Piss off the king of the angry midgets? OW!" said Saturnina as Hilaria whacked her head, but both were giggling.

"Hey, uh…anyone remember what happens next?" asked Thorn. "Been a while since I read the books."

"Well, I WOULD open my copy and find out, but I nearly got caught last time," explained Saturnina. "You'll find out soon."

Hilaria stepped in. "From what I remember, Eragon stars asking Arya about her past…"

"Do you have any family in Du Weldenvarden?"

"And there he goes." Saturnina shook her head. "Damn, I only like backstory when it's interesting!"

"Can we just go already?" whined Thorn.

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Eragon was sitting on the raft, taking in the scenery. The girls were nowhere to be found, which made him more than a little nervous.

With good reason, as it turns out. "CANNONBALL!" shrieked Thorn, tackling the young Rider and shoving him into the river.

"OW!" he screamed. "This water is freezing!"

"Yeah, that would be why she pushed you in there!" said Saturnina, laughing.

"Bear in mind that it is ridiculously hot today, so you should be glad!" yelled Hilaria as Thorn broke the surface, gasping for air.

One of the dwarves came up behind Saturnina. "I suppose I should warn you that there are fish in this river that could easily take off your foot." In the blink of an eye Thorn was back on the raft, twisting water out of her hair as Eragon climbed on more calmly. For a few minutes the raft was peacefully quiet.

Then, "BORED!" screamed Saturnina. "Hey, Shrrgnien! Teach me how to fish, please?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

Hilaria smiled. "Because if you don't, we'll get so unbearably bored that something drastic will happen; I can't promise that this something drastic won't involve capsizing the raft."

Orik intervened. "How about we try to avoid getting eaten by the fish and just enjoy the weather or something?"

"How about let's not and say we did?" suggested Saturnina as Thorn dumped a bucket of water over Hilaria's head.

"Get back here, you!" she screamed as she chased Thorn around the raft.

"Girls!" yelled a dwarf named Hedin. "Try not to fall in, please! We are approaching rapids!"

"Hold onto something, they are very dangerous!"

Despite the attempts of the dwarves, the raft hit a rock…hard. Type and the dwarves abandoned ship as the raft began to slowly sink, but the girls stayed on.

Luckily for them, the rapids had ended and the raft was slowly sinking in the general direction of the bank. Noticing this, a Look passed between them. It was a Look of mischief.

Thorn stood in the middle of the raft as Saturnina and Hilaria sat on either side….and all three of them began humming the theme of _Pirates of the Caribbean._ It was oddly reminiscent of the scene in the beginning of the first movie, but the problem here was that they were in Alagaesia.

"It really sucks when nobody understands our vague pop culture references," said Saturnina wistfully as she began wading onto dry land.

"Aye, matey," said Hilaria in a pirate-y voice.

"What was that all about?" asked Eragon as the dwarves began the little amount of repair work needed.

"You look familiar. Have I threatened you before?" asked Thorn.

"Yes you have…several times, in fact. Why?"

Orik approached. "It's near dark anyway, so we'll set up camp now while the raft is being fixed—"

"Stop blowing holes in my ship!" interrupted Saturnina.

_Would you three stop talking nonsense?_ snapped Saphira. _It isn't a ship, nobody blew any holes in it, and of course Eragon looks familiar seeing as how you've been traveling together for weeks!_

"Wow, touchy!" muttered Hilaria.

After a silent dinner, made all the more awkward by the Earthlings' constant Pirates of the Caribbean references, they all went to sleep.

The next morning, everyone woke up to one of the dwarves cooking breakfast. "And really bad eggs," muttered Saturnina; it seemed the _Pirates_ quote-fest was still on.

As they got on the raft, Saphira decided to swim alongside it that day. Type was riding on her head, much to Saphira's chagrin. "Look! The Kraken!" shouted Hilaria.

Eragon turned towards her wearily. "Hilaria, what is a Kraken and why is Saphira one?"

The girls collectively ignored him. "I don't think it's 'kraken' anyway," said Thorn. "I always heard it said 'kray-kin.'"

"What, with a long _A_?" said Saturnina incredulously.

"No no no, 'kroh-ken' is the original Scandinavian, and 'kraken' is closer to that!" insisted Hilaria.

Eragon was nonplussed. "A Kraken is a mythical sea monster," whispered Orik by way of explanation.

Thorn was adamant. "We're not original Scandinavians! It's 'kray-kin!'"

"It's a mythological creature, I'll call it what I want to!" said Saturnina and Hilaria in unison.

Saphira flew up into the air, showering them all with water. _I AM A DRAGON. __NOT__ A KRAKEN!_ As she took off, Type fell off her head and landed on Saturnina's.

"Huh. I wonder why she's mad."

Eragon shook his head in utter disbelief and went to hit on talk to Arya. "I had a vision during my sleep," he told her, and recounted his dream. "Is it scrying?"

"No…" said Arya slowly. "I thought for a long time about how you saw me in Gil'ead, and I think my spirit was unconsciously seeking help."

"But why me?"

Thorn jumped in. "Allow me to lend a machete to your intellectual thicket." She pointed at Eragon. "You, sir, are going schizo."

"What is this 'schizo' thing?" asked Arya.

"What he will be by the end of the book, I'm sure of it!" shrieked Saturnina.

"What book?"

"The book of your life," interrupted Hilaria, improvising something that sounded poetic and managed not to get them busted. "And by the time you die you'll be mad. MAD, I TELL YOU!" This last part was said up close in his face, just to assure him that they were just being their crazy selves.

"The last of all our sanity will surely be gone soon," said Orik sadly.

"Ah, but where? Where will it go?" asked Saturnina.

"Where is it? Where is the thump-thump?" shouted Hilaria, and the three collapsed in a fit of giggles.

"**Kill him, he's not our man!" –Barbossa, **_**Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End**_

**I've been thinking about this, and I want to say it now. A while back I went through this period where I thought back on all my stories. I thought about what was wrong, what was right. With that being said, I now extend my deepest apologies to all of my early readers: Saturnina was a complete and utter Mary-Sue, and I am so sorry.**

**It wasn't so much Hilaria, because of course I was the one writing this, not Michelle. I know chapter 6 in particular was the worst. In my opinion the story didn't get any more worth reading until…oh, probably until the end of **_**Eragon.**_** I even did what all Suethors do: I got extremely annoyed at someone who pointed out Saturnina's flaws to me, and that I think is what makes it really bad. I have no excuse for my horrible crime, as I consider Mary-Sues to be the worst evil on this world. I was too caught up in myself to stop and look at the story from someone else's point of view. Once again, I apologize most sincerely. Any and all flames will be accepted, and I hope I can be forgiven.**

**On that...uh…depressing note, I would once again like to make an announcement: It's that time of the year again, people. And I'm extra sorry that on top of this three-month break I gave you, I now have to leave you alone for another few months. I'm leaving for camp on the 28****th****, and I'm quite sure I won't be able to update before then. So, have a great summer, see you in August. Maybe.**


	35. Bugger Off!

**I refuse to justify my slow update. I'm sick of having to excuse myself and you've all heard them all anyway.**

**Kontraband: Too bad, Tinkerbelle is your name and it shall remain that way!**

**Apollamarine: Why thank you! I'd rather NOT answer that because I have no frikkin idea, but um…god dammit, I really do have no idea.**

**DragonRider2000: Thanks!**

**FreakyD45663: Yeah, well, I was young and idealistic. Now I'm young and cynical! Ah, the joy of life.**

**Liana-Wolfe: Keep your winking to yourself, don't you know your eyes can stick that way?**

**SpiceChaiPrincessOfDoom: I never saw the Matrix…I really want to though.**

**sock monkeys: Oh my god I know didn't they pick The best looking actors to play those pirates?**

**LM1991: That is entirely the screenplay-writers' fault. I use their humor as backup for my own.**

**wolf-lvr-1: Thank you! Look, how soon can I update? I GAVE fair warning: 2 months!**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare: Hey, you're back with your maniacal laughter!**

**Michaela: Wow, thank you! I'm a horrible judge of my own work, I can never tell if I'm funny or not.**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: They grow up so fast, don't they? Actually Hilaria and I went to Anime Boston this past year, it was so much fun. And of course I remember you, I was still surprised to be getting reviews back then!**

**Sarrebham1: Well, I'm sorry. Hey, at least I don't leave my stories for like a year. My longest time is 6 months, and never on this story!**

**Rayvn Nightshade: Hey, use whatever idea comes to mind, and the hell if it's been used already. I would have loved to do the spontaneous reference, but I didn't think of it…damn…**

_**WARNING: this chapter contains several jokes made at the expense of the British people. Sorry, but you know how Americans love making fun of you. No offense meant by any of it.**_

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Bugger Off!**

"Argetlam's horse was brought with us on the rafts," stated one of the dwarves. "The rest of us will ride donkeys."

"Uh, no thanks, I don't swing that way," interrupted Thorn. Hilaria giggled furiously while Saturnina elbowed her in the side before addressing the dwarf.

"Are you kidding?" she said. "The high-and-mighty Dragon Rider gets a nice horse, but the rest of us lowly travelers have to make do with donkeys?"

"No, you do not," said Orik, coming up from behind her. "Hrothgar thought of this after we left and sent word that you three are to be given horses. Here."

"Oh, um…okay…thank you?"

"You know, paralyzed people sometimes ride horses because it helps their muscles," said Hilaria, eyeing Eragon's spine speculatively. "The irony is that if you fall off a horse and it steps on you it can either kill you or leave you paralyzed."

Thorn guessed what she was thinking and immediately moved to stop her. "No, don't do that, we'll need him later on."

"You weren't seriously going to…" asked Saturnina in growing horror.

"No, silly," said Hilaria. "But it's nice to have people scared of you. Just in case."

Thorn blinked. "While I completely agree with that, I find it weird that Hilaria's a closet psycho."

"You should see her during Latin class," informed Saturnina. "And never, under any circumstances, give her large amounts of anything sugary." That being said, she promptly dug into her backpack and fished out a small square of Hershey's.

"You're insane," said Eragon faintly.

Hilaria smiled. "It's a definite possibility. Anyway this doesn't count as 'large.'"

Ahead of them, Arya had apparently decided to run to Ellesmera. Which was just _weird_, given that it kept her ahead of the rest of the group. At all times.

At night, in what had the potential to look like a _very_ sketchy situation, Arya led Eragon and Saphira away from the camp. Saturnina waggled her eyebrows at Hilaria, who in turn poked Thorn, and they followed the three.

Arya sighed. "I suppose it's for the best you three came; you'll probably need this information as well. Eragon, while you are in Ellesmera, there will be certain laws and customs you must adhere to. Because elves live for so long, courtesy is considered the highest social virtue. Giving offense is unaffordable, because the grudge can be held for centuries. There are certain ways to greet the guards in Ceris, forms you must observe when meeting Queen Islanzadi, and a hundred different ways to greet those around you."

Eragon spoke up. "It seems as if you've only made it easier to offend people."

"I mean really? You people need to calm down. Just out of curiosity, are all elves as uptight as you?" asked Hilaria. "It's like, you get all affronted when Eragon does pretty much anything, and then you won't even tell him what he did, and then you get all frustrated when he asks!"

"I am not driven to anger for no reason," said Arya coldly.

"Yes but when you are angry, you won't _tell_ anyone the reason," said an exasperated Saturnina.

"I absolutely refuse to have this argument with you three. Anyway, Eragon, you will be judged by the highest standards. You cannot afford to make any mistakes."

"Are you pretty much giving him a manners lesson?" interrupted Thorn.

Arya breathed deeply. "Yes. I suppose you could say that."

The Earthlings exchanged glances. Mischievous glances. Eragon narrowed his eyes and wondered what they were up to. For about a minute there was silence.

"Tally ho, old chap," said Saturnina suddenly in a British accent.

"…What?" asked Eragon nervously.

"Well, if you don't know I won't tell you. Bugger off," said Thorn, still in a British accent.

They crossed their arms and turned their backs on Eragon, noses in the air. "Bloody wanker," muttered Hilaria.

"Um," said Eragon. "Arya, do you know—"

"I do not. Argetlam, may I remind you that we have a lesson in manners underway?" Arya asked stiffly.

"To her face, should I refer to Islanzadi as Her majesty or Your Majesty?" wondered Thorn.

"If men are supposed to bow, and women are supposed to curtsey, what do we do when we don't have a dress?" interrupted Saturnina.

"Would the elves be offended if I didn't stick my pinky out when I drink something?" asked Hilaria.

Arya looked as if she had too many things to say to pick one, and remained silent. They were still speaking in their accents, mind you.

"So, if you hold a spoon like this—" Thorn demonstrated with a stick, "—and then you hold a fork like this, how do you hold a spork?"

"If we can't bow or curtsy, should we prostrate ourselves on the ground and touch our foreheads to the ground?" said Saturnina.

"Are fans regularly used, and if so do the common interpretations apply?" continued Hilaria.

The Earthlings were silent for a moment, before Hilaria brought up the most random statement yet: "Would a public debate about the hidden gunman on the grassy knoll be frowned upon?"

Even Thorn and Saturnina looked a bit weirded out by that one. "Uh…" stammered Saturnina. "I guess it would depend on who you're debating against, but why in the hell are you even asking?"

"Because I'm interested. Obviously. Personally, I think the evidence is clear that the shot came from the book depository, but—"

"Enough!" shouted Thorn. "No debating the JFK assassination! Save that for school, or any time you see Saturnina's dad." She turned to the dazed elf and Rider. "Well, I had an absolutely smashing time, but it's high time we leave."

"Oh yes, jolly good show. So sorry to leave on such short notice!" added Saturnina.

As one, the three swept into a pantomime curtsy, turned around, and went back to the camp.

Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

"Oh look," said Thorn casually. "Du Weldenvarden."

"And so the travelers entered the mystical forest under the rising full moon, the scent of flowers in the air," muttered Saturnina contemptuously. "How conveniently poetic. Damn you, Christopher Paolini!"

"Hush, hush!" hissed Hilaria. "Arya's saying something none of us understand (again) but it's obviously important!"

They waited for about a minute, until two elves showed themselves.

"**Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs." –Anonymous. ****Yup. It's my birthday, so I've given the world a quintuple-update. And check out the cliffy chapter! What ever shall happen next?!**

**As a matter of fact, Hilaria is a closet psycho. Well, not a psycho. Slightly more insane than she lets on. Only slightly.**

**On another note, did anyone else read Brisingr? Holy SHIT, man!! Personally I loved it.**


	36. A NotSoSubtle Shoutout

**So..um..for October I have no excuse, but in November I was busy as hell. Honestly! I was working on running crew as the prop master for the school's fall musical, necessitating my presence at every rehearsal and at school on the weekends. A normal (and frequent) occurrence was that I would get home at 11:30 pm, and I would fall into bed in preparation for waking up 7 hours later. I had. No. Time. I **_**couldn't **_**work on the new chapter. All my frees at school were taken up by homework. So, I'm sorry, but that first year or so where I would update like every week is in the past.**

**WARNING: author's notes and review replies here on out will be sprinkled liberally with **_**Brisingr**_** references. Continue at own risk.**

**Miorochi: because she's just cool like that, does it really matter?**

**Emma loves Kevin Jonas: I hate, in my deepest heart of hearts, HATE the fact that Brom is Eragon's father. it was completely unnecessary.**

**sock monkeys: Welcome to the Internet.**

**lirica: thanks!**

**Draye: yes…yay sporks…?**

**Chiglet663: thanks, I will!**

**DragonRider2000: 8 hours, dude. Try 8 hours.**

**Apollamarine: Oh god, I hate the 'are you human' thing.**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: Me too, and sorry, you not rid of me yet. (Can't he just stop the magic **_**before**_** the sword lights up?)**

**EmoDragonstar: tsk tsk, why are you reading during school? Shame on you!...and me too, I guess.**

**Thin Air: Thanks, and it depends what form the cheese is in.**

**cooks: everyone wishes every author would update faster. But…but I like Murtagh…sniff…I did like Brisingr. I went into it with an open mind and came out satisfied.**

**SANDRAsandySAND: oh, if you're rushing us you're not the only one. It's quite alright.**

**aaa: I can totally do an LOTR reference-chapter, but it won't be for a while because I just did a POTC chapter.**

**Demoness Drakon: eh, his death didn't hit me that hard.**

**Chapter Thirty-Six: A Not-So-Subtle Shoutout**

"Holy CRAP!" yelled Saturnina suddenly.

"What's up?" asked Hilaria.

"Yes, Saturnina, what IS up?" inquired Arya coldly.

"Oh, uh, sorry. You guys can keep talking." She waved a hand at the elves, who were in the middle of listening to Arya explain why their group was suddenly at the edge of Du Weldenvarden. Saturnina turned back to Thorn and Hilaria. "But seriously, guys! We missed _Brisingr!_"

Thorn facepalmed. "Shit, you're right!"

"Ugh, does this mean that after the Burning Plains we won't have any clue what's going on?" shrieked Hilaria, once again causing Arya to glare in their direction. Hilaria rolled her eyes. "Look, I get it, you're negotiating, but we're trying to solve a crisis here!"

"Yeah, unless a copy of the book drops out of nowhere, we're screwed," said Saturnina glumly.

"Well, are we?" asked Thorn. "I mean, it's not like we've been using our knowledge to do anything special, really."

"Pretty much the only reason we're still alive in frikkin medieval _dystopia_ is because we know everything that's going to happen," Hilaria reminded her. "You think modern, technology-obsessed Earthlings would survive here otherwise?"

"We're not all technology-obsessed, just me," said Saturnina as Arya and the elves led the rest of the group into the forest. "And I think I've gone through withdrawal by now."

"That or you just need coffee," muttered Hilaria.

"Well…_will_ a copy of the book drop out of nowhere?" asked Thorn. "I mean, you have to admit it, this whole adventure has been pretty random. I mean what were the odds of all three of us showing up around the same time?"

"I can explain that," said Arya icily, as if she didn't even want to be talking to the girls. She probably didn't.

"You…you _can?_" asked Saturnina slowly. "Which is going to prompt my next question, why can you?"

"That's actually kind of freaky, so please hurry up and explain," said Thorn nervously.

Arya glared at them. "I would have already finished had you not interrupted me. Around the same time you are reported to have appeared in Alagaesia, the Varden's spies in Uru'baen reported a major magical working taking place. Galbatorix lost control, and we assume the backlash brought you here."

"Oh wow," said Hilaria. "I wonder if Galbatorix knows that he's responsible?"

"That's sort of freaky, really," said Saturnina. "I mean, I didn't think there was an actual _reason!_"

"I don't think anyone did. It's not like the Varden _told_ people about it," added Thorn. "I mean, until now."

"If you're _quite_ finished," interrupted Arya frostily. "It is generally considered impolite to ignore somebody who is standing next to you."

"Oh yeah, because all elves ever think about is manners. Sorry, Arya. Yes, we're finished," said Hilaria.

For a few minutes there was silence as the group rode further into the woods (Into the Woods is a wonderful musical by the way, and it's also the one that I was working on).

"So if this were a fanfiction…" began Hilaria.

"Oh god, _NO,_" said Saturnina. "You are NOT writing this if we ever get back home!"

"That is…totally not what I meant," elaborated Hilaria. "I mean, does this qualify as crack?"

"You know, I've been wondering that too!" said Thorn. "I mean, we came here randomly—"

"—But it turns out there was a reason for that—" interrupted Saturnina.

"—We do all this crazy stuff—"

"—But we've never bent the laws of the universe—"

"—And we say the crackiest things—"

"—But we're bored teenagers, you can't blame us—"

"—Look, Saturnina, why are you so adamant about this?" asked a thoroughly exasperated Thorn.

"Because on a general basis I don't like crackfics!" insisted Saturnina.

"Well it doesn't matter anyway," interrupted Hilaria loudly, "because this is not a fanfiction, nor will it ever be one!"

Silence.

"Are we Mary-Sues, then?" wondered Thorn aloud.

"Oh god, do NOT start this again!" groaned Hilaria.

"You know, I really don't think we are," commented Saturnina. "I mean, we're not devastatingly beautiful, we're not perfect, and not by any stretch of the imagination do all the characters love us."

"Oh god, no," laughed Thorn.

"What do you mean, not beautiful?" gasped Hilaria, pretending to be deeply affronted. Saturnina cracked up laughing and whacked her on the head.

"No seriously guys," begged Hilaria, "can we PLEASE stop talking like this is a fanfiction? It's not!"

"Um…" asked Eragon. "What's fanfiction?"

The girls exchanged a horrified glance. "It's…um…" Thorn scrambled for an excuse. "Fictional fans. Yup, that's it. Stories about people who use make-believe lace fans."

"I'm sure," muttered Orik darkly. "No wonder you lasses seem so strange if that is all you read."

"**If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not right for you." –Anonymous**

**I don't care if this chapter wasn't funny. It was personally gratifying. Also I'm sick of people telling me that Bothering Alagaesia is a crackfic.**


	37. Majikal City of Magik

**The good news is, we're done traveling. I wanna get the plot going and maybe finish **_**Eldest**_** before 2010 (she says, gleefully minimizing Word to go play more Tetris). The bad news is none, besides this: from here on out I refuse to justify my eccentric updating. I will, of course, make fun of it regularly.**

**menus7: that **_**would**_** be awesome, wouldn't it? BUT I'm following the plot of the books religiously, so we'll have to wait until the Burning Plains.**

**Demoness Drakon: thank you and you're welcome!**

**sock monkeys: your humor is appreciated.**

**c.a.s.1404: thank you!**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: …whuh?**

**Apollamarine: a crackfic is…oy…a fic in which completely, out-of-the-blue random things happen—basically the story is written as if the characters and plot were high on crack cocaine. Oh, Eragon IS a Stu, and he's very unsubtle. Also very fun to mock.**

**JayJay919: actually I think he did it so people would stop saying he was copying Star Wars.**

**DragonRider2000: good for you!**

**HinduGoddess: don't give me that, coffee grows in warm climates; if you'll remember, they were near the desert. Yup, that was a Take That!**

**Kelly: …you're going to have to be a bit specific.**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare: Ahaha! Ahahahahaha! TWILIGHT! God, I should have a chapter just mocking the hell out of that book (sorry if you're a fan, those books crack me up).**

**Whispering Lillies: Well it's not…they got there before Brisingr, so naturally they'll have a hell of a time figuring out what's going on.**

**Thin Air: of course it's fanfiction…did I accidentally say it wasn't? Ah, well. Your sleep deprivation is forgiven, I fell asleep in school this morning.**

**GEDWAYIGNASIA: I'm working, I'm working! Sort of!**

**aaa: okay then.**

**Writer of the North: when I feel like it.**

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: Majikal City of Magik**

"Listen to me," said Arya harshly, addressing the three girls. "We are about the enter Ellesmera."

"What does that name even mean?" asked Hilaria.

"Irrelevant," Arya replied icily. "It is the ancient home of the elves. If you wish to aid the Varden in this fight, I beg of you, do _nothing_ that might be considered an offense. Your behavior will be judged carefully and you will be watched closely, so please take care to remember that you are part of a diplomatic mission to restore _peace_ to Alagaesia—you are not here for your own entertainment."

"Actually, we kind of are," said Saturnina casually. "Why aren't you telling them this?" She gestured at Orik and Eragon.

"Because they are already aware of how to act among the elves. You three are the only problems here!" With that, Arya returned to the front of the group and led them onwards into the forest.

"Natter, natter, natter!" muttered Thorn. "You'd think we were serious basket cases, the way she talks!"

"We _are _serious basket cases," said Saturnina. "Hey, isn't it, like, December back home?"

"Uh, you've been keeping track?" asked Hilaria.

"No. Well, kind of. My point is, do you guys want anything for Hanukkah?"

"What's Hanukkah?" asked Eragon, interested in another Weird Girls Conversation (as he had taken to referring to them as in his head). "That doesn't sound like a word in this language."

"That's because it isn't. What do you want?" Saturnina directed her question at him this time.

Eragon was utterly nonplussed (wonderful word), but fortunately for his brain, Arya stopped them before a ray of light that poked through the trees and landed straight in front of them; inside the light was an elf. Eragon presented his gedwëy ignasia, and they were allowed to pass. The elf disappeared behind them. "What was that?" asked Thorn.

"I dunno. Jesus?" suggested Saturnina.

"You're Jewish."

"I know. Speaking of which, _what do you want for Hanukkah?"_ Saturnina asked again, more insistently this time.

"Does she always do this?" Thorn asked Hilaria.

"Oh yeah. And not just Hanukkah, there's birthdays, other holidays, conventions, she's insane," replied Hilaria. Saturnina gave a maniacal laugh.

The group stopped at the edge of a large glade. The ground was lightly covered with flowers and it looked for all intents and purposes like any normal idyllic woodland scene. Then Eragon started noticing things, and the three girls didn't see it.

Hilaria got it first. "Oh! This is Ellesmera!" Thorn was next, and nodded as she began to see the elven city. Saturnina was left out for a few more minutes.

"What, I don't—oh, hey! That's pretty kickass!"

The entire surrounding area of forest was actually an expansive city with all the houses made of trees. The weird thing (to the earthlings) was that none of the houses were actually built out of anything; the trees seemed to just grow into the right shape. It was almost impossible to tell where the house stopped and the tree began.

"Hey, how do you do that? I mean, grow houses out of trees?" asked Thorn.

"We sing them into shape," replied Arya shortly. "It would be impossible for you, so don't get any ideas."

"Oh don't worry, neither of us can hold a tune," Saturnina assured her.

"Well we _can_, it's just that it wouldn't sound very good," commented Hilaria. "Everyone can sing, it's just a matter off whether it sounds good or not."

"We should all start singing the Shema or something, we are Jewish," said Thorn.

"Yes! And it's December! So what do you want for Hanukkah!" suggested Saturnina, frustrated that nobody had answered her question yet.

"What is Hanukkah?" asked Eragon, distracted momentarily from his surroundings.

"Once upon a time," began Hilaria, "evil people wanted to conquer some random nation and they refused to let the conquered ones practice their religion. Eventually they kicked the bad guys out and celebrated their own religion and made latkes."

"Religion is nonsensical," sniffed Arya.

"That was a horrible version of the story," commented Thorn. "Honestly, that probably borders on blasphemous. And ANYWAY," here she directed a pointed glare at Saturnina, "We are not celebrating Hanukkah now."

"But whyyyy?" whined the teenager in question.

"Because we don't exactly have time," Hilaria reminded them quietly. "We have a big feast coming up, and if I know Thorn she'll want to cook, which won't be possible under the circumstances."

Saturnina accepted this without question. "So what happens now?" Her question was answered as the elves began to show themselves. The women were all unspeakably beautiful, as were the men. Naturally. "God forbid anyone ever writes a story where the elves are _not_ crazy good-looking," she muttered.

And as the elves sang, the group allowed their horses to go away and continued on foot. "Hey, Orik, what are you going to _do_ while we're here?" asked Thorn.

"I don't know, lass," he replied. "Surrounded by elves, where no one will appreciate my work? Nothing_ for_ me to do. But remember this," and here he met her eyes with a glare, "my abundance of free time does _not_ mean I will help you in whatever scheme you may come up with."

Hilaria snapped her fingers regretfully. "Gosh darn," she said. "You were so crucial to our plans."

"Oh yeah," interjected Saturnina, "you were downright instrumental. But, if you insist, we'll leave you out and waste away in boredom alongside you."

Arya had to wonder if they actually had plans or whether they were ad-libbing to mess with the poor dwarf. She would never find out the answer, but she led them into a large, long hall….made of trees. Again.

The hall was filled with 24 elves seated along a long table that ran the length of the hall. The elves leaned forward, obviously excited to see them. "I wonder what they do all day sitting there?" wondered Hilaria.

At the head of the table sat Queen Islanzadi.

She was, of course, drop-dead gorgeous, and the earthlings wondered yet again why every elf ever was that way. Arya led the group to the foot of her throne where they all knelt on the ground; Saturnina, Thorn and Hilaria feeling mildly idiotic as they did so. Islanzadi rose from her throne and commanded the group to do the same.

"Oh my daughter, I have wronged you!" she cried, gripping Arya in a hug.

"Oh, I wish I had a camera," said Saturnina. "What are the chances we'll ever see Arya be hugged by anyone?"

"Depending on which way the needle of Shipping swings, possibly many more," muttered Hilaria. "MurtaghXEragon forever!" Thorn rushed to clap a hand over her mouth before Eragon heard her.

"They think he's dead!" she whispered furiously.

"Oh, he's not listening," Hilaria replied with a gesture towards the Rider in question. He was indeed still preoccupied with the idea of Arya as a princess.

Islanzadi, meanwhile, was begging for Arya's forgiveness, and apparently getting it. At which point a crazy raven began to speak.

"And on the door was graven evermore, what now became the family lore, let us never do but to adore!"

"…_What?_" asked Thorn, at which point Islanzadi turned her attention to the earthlings.

"Who are these humans and of what significance are they to your party?" she asked imperiously. Of course, there was no real reason the girls had come except a strong desire to follow the books. Naturally, there were a few issues now that they were pressed for an excuse. Arya thought fast and smoothed things over.

"They are friends of Eragon Shadeslayer and valuable allies to out cause who were brought here to help oversee the Rider's training." Arya smiled. Ironically, inside she was seething at being forced to compliment them.

Saphira nosed Saturnina. _That means don't screw anything up._

Islanzadi frowned, but accepted this. "If the Lady Nasuada saw no problem with this, then I will not be the one to disturb our newfound allegiance by sending away her ambassadors. Welcome to our land."

Hilaria, sensing that the other two might not respond adequately, stepped forward and curtsied. "Thank you, I'm sure we will." _Were we maybe supposed to do that weird greeting thing the elves do? Oh well, too late now._

Islanzadi nodded graciously and returned her attention to Eragon and Saphira. As Eragon began to tell the story of his adventured yet again, the girls zoned off and each began thinking about different things.

Saturnina was wondering what exactly they would do all day when Eragon was training with Oromis. Honestly, she wondered what the rest of the elves did all day as well.

Hilaria wondered about the elven birth rate and how often they had children, as well as whether or not elves married and divorced or just got together for random one night stands and happened to procreate entirely by chance.

Thorn meanwhile was thinking about Brisingr and the likelihood of a relationship between Arya and Eragon. Given what she knew of Paolini, the chances were very high. Ich.

Saphira nosed Saturnina. _Remember where you are._ Saturnina did, and noticed that it was time for Teh Epik Feast.

Awesometasticfication.

"**In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming." –H.P. Lovecraft, **_**The Call Of Cthulhu**_

**So I'm sick and periodically coughing hard enough to feel like my throat is being put through a shredder; I'm very tired and as I type I can actually feel certain parts of my brain falling asleep and then startling awake again. Any irregularities in this chapter are therefore not my fault.**

**Actually, remember that theater thing I did in November that kept me busy for about 2 weeks straight on like 5 hours of sleep a night? Well, I'm doing that again starting this Sunday. But I'll be seeing you soon. Oh yes, very soon. So soon you'll be like 'woah dude, that was a really soon update! awesome!' you have NO idea. Well, soon for me.**


	38. HighEnd Real Estate

**Yay for three-year-long stories! And hopefully not many more…well I mean of course I like this story and want to continue, but at the same time I do feel the need to wrap it up eventually, you know? Anyway.**

**Told you so, didn't I? Two weeks, not bad. Anyway, whole thing written over the course of three tech rehearsals and typed in the late hours of the night. Sort of. Happy birthday.**

**DragonRider2000: I really don't have other plans, but I am a master of improvisational fanfic.**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: thank you! I'm still half asleep, though…**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare: well someone's had a little too much sugar lately.**

**Apollamarine: seriously, why do you think of these things?**

**HinduGoddess: meh, a joke's no fun if no one gets it.**

**Sarrebham1: I'll look into it!**

**Draye: …yeah.**

**Writer's Block Artist: I have read it, actually. Good story.**

**GEDWEYIGNASIA: maybe…we'll see!**

**sock monkeys: should I be flattered or creeped out? Hm.**

**Ambrele: okay then!**

**c.a.s. 1404: thank you!**

**Writer of the North: no.**

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: High-End Real Estate**

"Look, I thought you said it was Hanukkah?"

"I did, but that's not—"

"So why shouldn't we make Hanukkah food?" asked Thorn impatiently.

Saturnina smacked her forehead. "Well for one thing we can't, seeing as how we don't have any of the stuff we would need. Second, to you, Hanukkah food is pot roast and matzo ball soup."

"And challah," added Hilaria.

"And challah. But pot roast and matzo ball soup have _meat_ in them," continued Saturnina, half hoping she wouldn't have to explain the entire thing.

Hilaria was confused. "Matzo ball soup—"

"—Has chicken broth in it," admitted Thorn. "So?"

"_So the elves are vegetarians._"

"Yeah? So we trick them into eating meat," said Thorn. "I think it would be hilarious."

Hilaria caught on. "After a while of not eating meat the body stops being able to digest it," she told Thorn. "Do you _really_ want to be covered in elf-vomit?"

"Dammit."

Saturnina directed her gaze skyward, and then looked back at the other girls. "Look, I know this is going to be really hard for us," she begged, "but can we please not do anything to alienate the elves?"

"Look, that's not the point!" insisted Thorn, speaking over Saturnina. "I'm only saying we do this because no one else has come up with any other ideas about what we're actually supposed to _do_ here!"

Hilaria thought for a moment. "Uhm…why don't we…hey, let's go annoy Eragon!"

"Okay!" she and Thorn ran, giggling furiously. Saturnina stared after them for a second, then smacked her forehead again and followed them, not failing to notice that neither of them had agreed to leave the elves alone.

Oh boy.

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"Entry will be complicated," observed Hilaria. The three were hiding behind a clump of bushes, examining a clearing at the center of which was Eragon's tree. A group of elves, including Arya and Islanzadi as well as Orik, stood gathered around it.

"Whatever you do, don't freak them out!" hissed Saturnina, but inside she was beaming. How often did she get to be the smart one? How often did she _want_ to be the smart one? "The hell with this. Go wild."

The three ran towards Eragon's tree, passing the gaggle of bewildered elves. Running up the stairs, they entered his room and stopped.

Hilaria shrugged and stepped forward. "THIS! IS! SPARTA!" she shrieked.

Eragon flailed, sat up, and promptly fell out of his bed on Hilaria's feet. "Who what _huh_?"

"When did this turn into a 300 parody?" muttered Thorn.

_WHAT is going on?_ Saphira stuck her head inside the tree house. She immediately retracted upon noticing the three girls. _I might have known._

"What are you doing here?" asked Eragon tiredly.

"Waking you up, of course!" said Thorn cheerfully. "Rise and shine!"

"You have got to be kidding me," he said, sitting up on his bed. It was suddenly made apparent that he slept shirtless. "What time is it, anyway?"

"We don't know," said Saturnina. "Does it really matter? It's morning and we're bored."

"Anyway, you need to get up now," Hilaria informed him.

"Why?"

"Because all the elves have turned into rhinoceroses," answered Thorn. She rolled her eyes. "Because the elves and Islanzadi are all gathered at the base of your tree, clearly waiting for you."

_Do rhinoceroses taste good?_ asked Saphira.

"What IS a rhinoceros?" asked Eragon.

"Oh, just get dressed," sighed Hilaria. "We're off to explore your crib." And the left the bedroom, leaving behind a bewildered Rider.

"What does he need a _dining room_ for?" wondered Saturnina. "He barely knows anyone here!" A sudden through struck her as she sat down and realized that these were some of the most comfortable chairs she'd ever sat in. "Oh my god, can we camp out here?"

"Hell yes!" agreed Thorn. "I am not going to stay with the rest of the elves, they creep me out. All so beautiful and stuff, I bet they throw the ugly babies in the woods like the Spartans did!"

Hilaria sat in one of the chairs and immediately agreed with Saturnina's earlier sentiment. "Look, it's not their fault Paolini has no imagination and copied the generic model of elves. I thought they didn't even have children very often, anyway. No, really," she continued, "what is up with these chairs? We're totally staying here."

They reentered Eragon's room to find him talking to Orik. "It's decided," declared Saturnina, "we're staying with you."

"_WHAT?"_ yelled both Eragon and Saphira together.

"Not like, in your room, silly," Hilaria reassured him. "Have you even _seen_ your dining room? Those chairs are awesome, and it's not like you'll be using it anyway."

Thorn was talking to Orik. "What will you do all day?" she asked again.

"I _don't know_," he reiterated. "We should probably be going down now, the elves are waiting." They descended.

Islanzadi gave the three girls a long gaze, then returned her attention to Eragon and said simply, "Follow me." They did.

After a while she stopped. "Before we go any further, the six of you must swear in the ancient language that you will never speak to outsiders of what you are about to see, not without permission from me, my daughter, or whoever may succeed us to the throne."

"Makes sense to me" was basically the attitude of the girls, but only because they knew what was coming. Orik raised his own objections, as did Saphira. Once everyone had sworn, though, they proceeded to the edge of a cliff.

"You see?" whispered Thorn to Saturnina. "This is where they throw the ugly babies off!"

"_They do not throw away ugly babies!"_ hissed Hilaria.

Thump. The air itself shivered, and the Earthlings were distinctly reminded of airplane landings.

Thump. It was actually getting quite painful.

Thump. Seriously, Glaedr just didn't care, did he?

Thump. Glaedr and Oromis appeared over the edge of the cliff.

* * *

"**But there's no sense crying over every mistake, you just keep on trying till you run out of cake." –**_**Still Alive**_

**Short, maybe, but how do you follow that up? The girls are staying with Eragon…can you spell pillow fight? See ya!**

**Also, I've disabled anonymous reviews from now on…sorry, but stupid people tend to review and ask questions and start conversations and sometimes just piss me offf (cough DillonL) and they're anonymous, so I can't reply. To address DillonL's review: The story was written in 2006, so that is when the girls are from. I am well aware that it is currently 2009, but that doesn't change that it is still 2006 for the girls. The summary happened when I thought I should change it to fit the year, and I recently changed it back. Okay? **_**Chill.**_


	39. Crazy Block

**Yippie. I am bursting with excitement. I can hardly type for the glee that fills every iota of my being, for today is the first day of school. Hooray. Can't you just feel my joy, radiating towards you from the screen? That is how strong the force of my enthusiasm truly is. I hope you can share it.**

**sock monkeys: yes, updating is generally a good thing.**

**Apollamarine: I do what I can to help!**

**Perminatly Lost in Thought: thank you, thank you.**

**Ambrele: he can expect much commotion. God help him with his studies.**

**Whispering Lillies: Who doesn't love a little dead baby comedy?**

**Writer of the North: nope.**

**HinduGoddess: what part of planning do you think applies to this story?**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare: careful with that sugar, we need it later!**

**xBlaze of FuryX: thanks, I try.**

**DragonRider2000: thank you!**

**TopazGem127: scribble scribble. I'll definitely keep that in mind.**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: way to go, you made me realize I totally don't know how to do Brisingr! Waah!**

**Sarrebham1: YAY.**

**beneath the menoa tree: ooh, thanks!**

**sparklegirl13: oh, so now I actually have to try to update…dang!**

**bubbletea4me: don't worry about it, I have more than a few people telling me to update!**

**KarateGirl654: thanks, I'll try!**

**ZeraPotterWeasley: Oh my GOD, that would be AMAZING.**

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: Crazy Block**

"So…" said Hilaria.

"Yeah," agreed Thorn.

"I got nothing," added Saturnina.

Having just been informed they would need to present something at the Agaetí Blödhren, the girls were currently situated in (where else?) Eragon's dining room, which had been transformed into a miniature fortress of doom and sleepovers. Namely, they'd blocked the door with pillows so that nobody would be able to see what they were doing unless they floated outside the window.

Saphira being a dragon, this was in fact a very real problem. Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do to cover the window, all pillows having been used to block the door. But since both she and Eragon were currently with Oromis, the problem was temporarily put on hold.

The next problem on the agenda was what to actually make. A third problem presented was that all three of them would have to do something separate. And, of course, they didn't actually know what to do.

"Aargh, this is a sick joke!" said Saturnina. "Why can't we think of anything?"

"This is depressing, is what it is," muttered Thorn. "We're the three craziest people in Alagaesia and we can't think of a simple art project!"

"We're not even elves! Why do we have to do this?" Hilaria was frustrated.

So, needless to say, all three were feeling very resentful towards the elves at the moment. And, of course, the festival was in two days, so they didn't exactly have a lot of time to prepare.

"Okay, let's go over the list again," sighed Saturnina, grabbing the list of possible ideas they'd written down.

_#1: Do what every major character does and write a poem_

_#2: Something with popsicle sticks_

_#3: Sparkles!_

"We could write a poem about sparkly popsicle sticks?" suggested Thorn. "I mean, combine all three, we don't have any other ideas!"

Hilaria giggled. "We could write a poem _with_ sparkly popsicle sticks! Like, form the letters with them!"

Saturnina was laughing too. "Write a poem with sparkly popsicle sticks, about sparkly popsicle sticks!"

"No seriously though, what are we doing?"

Hilaria lay her head down on the table and stared out the window. "Does anyone else remember in like 4th grade when we'd make those things with the stuff?"

Saturnina blinked. "Um. No. Which things with what stuff?"

"The things where we'd stick a bunch of toothpicks together with marshmallows and make buildings out of them. Maybe we could do something like that?"

"Where are we gonna get marshmallows?" asked Thorn. "Good idea, though."

"Who's 'we?' My idea, my project," said Hilaria. "I'm gonna make the Eiffel tower out of Popsicle sticks."

Saturnina threw a pillow at her. "Fine, be that way. But us non-creative people over here still need ideas."

Thorn grabbed a pen and crossed out #2 on the list. "That leaves us with sparkles and poetry."

"Hey, what ever happened to Type?" wondered Hilaria. "You could do something with her."

"She…I…uh…" Thorn looked around for a second. "Type kind of vanished. I dunno. She sort of escaped into the forest."

"Well, okay then," said Saturnina, "because then she'd have to do something on her own too." She heaved a sigh. "And we're having enough trouble for us."

Hilaria stood. "Speaking of which, I have some popsicle sticks to find. Away!" She dashed out of the room, bumping into a very surprised Eragon on the way down. He poked his head around the now-disassembled pillow wall and looked inside the room. "What are you doing?" he asked.

Saturnina threw a pillow at him. "Butt out, we're trying to think of something to do for the Agaetí Blödhren."

He threw the pillow right back at her. "I take it you're not planning on moving out of my dining room anytime in the near future?"

Thorn threw more pillows at him. "You can have your dining room back when you pry it from our cold dead hands!"

"That doesn't even make sense!" cried Eragon, fending off the continuous pillow attack. "Can you please stop throwing these?"

"Run, Eragon!" shouted Saturnina. "Run from our fearsome pillow assault! _Starfish wants to be with you forever_!"

"What?"

"RUN!" yelled Thorn. Eragon left, quickly. "That was entertaining. What do we do now?"

Saturnina stood up. "When I was in seventh grade, my math teacher had a poster full of exercises that were supposed to get your mind moving. Now, I don't remember any of them, but I think we should try spinning."

"Spinning?" asked Thorn. "Like spinning plates?"

"No, like spinning in circles…" Saturnina trailed off.

Thorn stood up as well. "Screw that, I'm spinning plates for this celebration thing!" She made her way to the door and left the tree.

"Well now it's just me!" sighed Saturnina, frustrated. _Think think think. NTS: avoid poetry at all costs._

_Well, I could psychoanalyze Arya…_In fact Saturnina had taken two classes in psychology. _Or I could not. Yeah, no, that would just be weird. Man, I'm tired!_ She grabbed a pillow, curled up in a chair, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, soft thump happened, followed by a complete lack of reaction. There was another thump, and another nothing. And then there was a really hot something, and a muffled shriek, followed by the sound of hysterical laughter.

Hilaria had thrown two pillows and poured a cup of tea on Saturnina. "Did you figure out what to do yet?"

"Clearly not, or else I wouldn't still be sitting here," muttered Saturnina. "Aren't you supposed to be building the Eiffel Tower?"

"I did half of it already," Hilaria informed her. "Then it got dark and I decided the rest could wait until tomorrow. What's Thorn doing, do you know? I saw here on my way back here trying to haggle for a stack of plates."

"Spinning them. HELP ME," begged Saturnina. "Seriously, I'm totally stuck here! No ideas! My brain is dry!"

"I don't know, something original! Like, do something totally boring but in a really exciting way!" suggested Hilaria. "Like, something really uninteresting can get really cool if you act intense enough!"

Saturnina thumped her fist on the table. "To hell with it, I'm making coffee for everyone."

Hilaria blinked. "What, and be really dramatic about it?"

The other girl shrugged. "No, just serve it to random people."

"That sounds…really boring, actually," said Hilaria cautiously.

Saturnina nodded. "It'll be just the opposite of what they expect!" When Hilaria failed to look convinced, she rolled her eyes. "Come on, have you _read _Eldest? The whole celebration is one big acid trip! If anything, they can definitely stand to have one boring thing out of a hundred. Anyway, there's the off chance that some of them will get really hyper."

Hilaria shrugged this time. "I mean, okay, sure…you have fun with that." She patted Saturnina on the shoulder and they walked out of the dining room.

Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Behing Saturnina, Hilaria and Thorn was a cluster of slightly annoyed elves.

"They never get…_angry,_" whispered Thorn. "It's a little bit creepy."

The elves were annoyed because the Earthlings were standing next to Eragon. More specifically, because they were blocking their view; the elves didn't appreciate their view being blocked by a trio of weirdoes who weren't from Ellesmera and thus had no business being there. The force of their annoyance was almost tangible.

"I almost wish they would come outright and say it," agreed Hilaria.

"It's pent-up anger that makes them so distant," Saturnina chimed in. "The only way they can ever express it is by throwing their babies off cliffs."

Eragon rubbed his forehead. "The elves don—oh, I give up."

Thorn patted him on the back. "And the mark of a great warrior is knowing when to give up. Truly you are learning the ways of the Dragon Riders, my young padawan."

"It is begun!" said Arya, with an irritated glance at the girls. "The Agaetí Blödhren has started. I suggest you go enjoy it and revel in the fact that this will never happen again for a hundred years."

"Fancy way of telling us to get the hell out of here," said Saturnina as they walked away. "Well, I have a coffee stand to run."

"Coffee stand?" asked Thorn. She and Hilaria watched Saturnina sit at a small table; on the table were a series of cups and a rudimentary coffee pot fashioned out of a wooden bowl with a lid hanging over a small, magically self-contained fire. "She's using coffee as her thing for this?"

"I said it sounded weird, but if it works…" Indeed, the coffee stand seemed to be met with something resembling cautious acceptance. This was the best any of them could hope for, really. After all, who knew what could happen when coffee was introduced to a new society?

The next day or so passed in a blur of what-the-fuck and a smidge of holy-shit-this-is-trippy. Such is life. Eventually it was Thorn's turn to present her plate-spinning.

"So!" she said, standing on a small platform in front of a moderately-sized crowd. "This is what I can do! Barely. Sort of." The last bit was added under her breath. She held up a straight wooden stick and a plate. Placing the plate on the stick, she spun it.

The plate kept spinning, which was a good sign so far. Thorn did the same with a second plate. Then she switched hands. The elves oohed and ahhed—this was probably more because they were on some kind of magical acid trip than anything else. She did some more basic tricks (under the leg, stuff like that) and then balanced one of them on her nose.

At this point, it started wobbling dangerously and fell off. Thorn managed a quick save when she caught the falling plate and stick in one hand, and then finished the other one with a flourish of the stick. A theatrical bow finished the routine.

"That went well," said Saturnina, who was taking a break from her coffee stand. She poured a cup for Thorn. "Have you seen the dragon-guy?"

"Oh _yeah_ I have. He's weird, man!" said Thorn, taking a sip.

"Have you talked to him?"

"Oh, hell no. He scares me."

Saturnina sipped her coffee contemplatively. "He stopped by the coffee stand for a while. Drank a few cups. And then he started explaining his theory of why the elves act all high and mighty. He doesn't consider himself an elf. His words, not mine: _Don't be a part of the collective mind! Stand up for your individuality, human girl!_ I think the caffeine was starting to get to him, so I told him to go explain it to Orik."

Thorn snickered. "Wow. Well, coming from a guy whose nose breathes fire…hey look, it's Hilaria!"

The aforementioned Earthling stepped onto the stage. "I built this model…It's a tower. Lots of little tiny sticks glued together." Indeed, it was the Eiffel Tower, molded out of hundreds of small twigs cut to size and stuck together. It stood to about shoulder height.

"That must've taken a while," said Thorn as Hilaria jumped down from the stage amidst applause.

"I got leet skillz," Hilaria said. "Actually I just used magic to stick the twigs together. It took about twelve hours, all told. Give me some coffee."

Saturnina handed over a cup. "Turns out most elves are immune to caffeine, I haven't seen any wacky antics all night. Besides dragon-guy, but I think that was just him."

"Ah, well," said Hilaria wistfully. "I think they more than make up for it with their choice of food to serve at parties. Have you seen the buffet tables?"

"I guess this is what happens after a century of snobbery and high self-esteem," muttered Thorn. "Think of it as the ultimate spring break."

* * *

"**I am, how you say, kind of a dick." –Shadi, **_**Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series**_

**So yeah! I'm thinking one or two more chapters of Wacky Ellesmera Antics and then we'll head on out to the Burning Plains!**

**I promise you at least one more update this month. Sorry for the wait. No, really, I am! Anyway, school should be a pain in the ass with many things I have to do this year if I ever want to go to college! I will try my hardest but I want you to take that at face value and not expect anything too grandiose in the ways of frequent updates.**

**See y'alls soon.**


	40. Put A Banana In Your Ear

**Happy birthday to me…fucking DMV's closed on Sundays so I have to wait until tomorrow to get my permit…lalalalala…happy birthday to me! I don't think I've ever had so much fun writing a chapter for this story.**

**Sparklegirl13: coffee **_**good…**_

**Paint the world black: no, the key is to find out WHY she's so bitchy.**

**Apollamarine: yes well, I have the infamous Junior Workload, so there you go.**

**Demoness Drakon: IT TOTALLY IS**

**LaLoLi: working on it**

**Sarrebham1: are you kidding? I _live and die_ by Yugioh the Abridged Series.**

**writer of the north: please don't use that word to me. And compared to my usual updating rate, I'd say it's pretty miraculous.**

**sock monkeys: come on, you would LOVE to talk to dragon-dude while he's caffeinated**

**Perminatly Lost in Thought: dragon-dude and I would be BEST FRIENDS! He sounds awesome.**

**Draye: …bwuh?**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: it's all part of my master plan. When it's done, it'll be so long nobody new will want to read it, and I'll get closure because of no new reviews. I'm so diabolical it hurts.**

**DragonRider2000: thank you!**

**XAprilX: ah well, what's done can't be undone.**

**Chapter Forty: Put A Banana In Your Ear**

"BORED!" screeched Saturnina. "It's the middle of the day, Eragon's got the day off, and we have nothing to do. Who's got ideas?"

Thorn had a marker and a banana. "We could craw insane faces on fruit and make it show up in random places wherever Eragon goes?"

Hilaria sat up so fast they could almost see the synapses firing in her brain. "When I was with Murtagh, I did a rendition of Charlie the Unicorn, with him as Charlie and me as the other unicorns."

Saturnina rubbed her chin. "We could do Charlie the Unicorn 2. But that one has so many special effects, I don't know…"

Thorn sat up straight with a solemn expression on her face. "Comrades, I have an Idea."

Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Eragon strolled leisurely through the forest, enjoying his rare free time. Suddenly, Saturnina, Hilaria and Thorn appeared from the trees, descending to float above him, hanging from ropes. "Glub glub glub," said Hilaria.

"Glub glub!" said Thorn.

"Look over there!" said Saturnina. "It's a coral reef!"

Eragon groaned. "Oh look, it's you. And you're…flying."

"Eragon, we're scuba diving!" said Thorn intensely. "We're exploring the depths of the ocean blue!" added Saturnina.

"Oh no!" cried Hilaria. "Here comes a school of poisonous fugu fish!"

"Oh no! FUGU!"

"Yeah, you have to…watch out for those," said Eragon hesitantly. "So…please leave, I'm trying to relax."

Hilaria waved her hand and said something under her breath, and a swirling blue circle of light appeared. "The vortex is opened!"

Eragon stared at it in alarm. "Oh no. Okay, what is this?"

"Eragon! We're being sucked into the vortex!" shouted Thorn. "Swim away, fugu fish, swim away!"

"Oh no, now you're really creeping me out, can you get rid of this thing?" asked Eragon frantically.

"There's no stopping the vortex, Eragon! FUGU!" yelled Saturnina. And all three disappeared in a flash of blue light.

Eragon looked around worriedly. "Hello? Hello?"

"Eragon!" said Thorn, appearing right behind him. She held out a purple stone set in gold, inscribed with runes. "Eragon, I have the amulet!"

"What amulet, what's going on?" cried Eragon.

"The amulet! The-the magical amulet! Sparkle, sparkle!"

"Sparkle!" said Hilaria. "I don't understand, what's going on?" Eragon asked.

"The AMULET!" they yelled together, vanishing once more into the blue light. Eragon didn't move, terrified of what was going to come next in a long line of mysterious events. And suddenly, there they were again.

"We did it!" said Saturnina, wearing the amulet around her neck. "We got the amulet!"

"Great, now _go away_," begged Eragon. "I'm tired of the horrible things that happen when you're around!"

"No, Eragon, no!" enthused Hilaria. All three appeared to momentarily swell up and suddenly return to normal. "We have to take the amulet to the Banana King!"

"Oh, the Banana King," repeated Eragon. "Absolutely not!"

Thorn seemed crestfallen. "But he's counting on us, Eragon! If we don't get him the amulet, the vortex will open!"

"And unleash a thousand years of darkness!" added Saturnina. "No, darkness!" The blue vortex reappeared, this time with tentacles coming out of it. They reached for Eragon.

"Alright fine! I'll go, I'll go!" he said anxiously. The vortex disappeared. "Hooray!" said the girls.

They walked along in the forest for a while. "Bloodloodlurp!" said Saturnina, making a very strange sound. This was followed by a chorus of bloodloodlurps from Hilaria and Thorn.

"Bloodloodlurp!"

"Bloodloodlurp! Bloodloodlurp!"

"What are you guys doing? Stop that!" snapped Eragon, now somewhat annoyed.

"Bloodloodlurp!"

They arrived in front of a large, Z-shaped arrangement of sticks. "Oh, look at that!" said Eragon.

"Z!" yelled the girls.

"Homo cum petaso misit nos!" said Saturnina.

Hilaria smiled. "Nobis narravit fabulae multae mirae!" The Z flashed a blue light and made 'ping' noises.

"Ho ho ho ho ho!" laughed Hilaria and Saturnina.

"What?" asked Eragon nervously, now seriously concerned.

"Nocte cenabimus testudines!" declared Hilaria.

Saturnina nodded in agreement. "Erunt sapidus, Z!" The Z turned red and shot a beam of red light at Eragon. "Agh! What did you two do?" he cried.

"Z!" intoned Hilaria and Saturnina.

"Sum laeta!" agreed Thorn. The Z made more pinging sounds. The three girls walked past it. "Ho ho ho ho ho!"

Eragon looked around nervously. "Just keep walking…"

They arrived at the Menoa tree. "We're here, Eragon! The temple of the Banana King!" said Thorn excitedly.

"Great," said Eragon, wondering what would happen next. "Let's just leave the amulet and go!" Before anyone could say anything else, Type (Thorn's dragon, remember her?) appeared on the ground in front of them. She had a red hat and a beard.

"Who is that?" asked Eragon, unwilling to trust his eyes anymore. There was no response. "No, really. You see it, right?"

Silence. "I have to admit, I'm getting a little freaked out here. Somebody say something!"

Type hovered in front of his face. "Eragon, you look quite down, with your big sad eyes and you big sad frown. The world doesn't have to be so grey!" she sang. "Eragon, when you're life's a mess, when you're feeling blue, always in distress, I know what can wash that sad away! All you have to do is…put a banana in your ear!"

"A banana in my ear?" asked Eragon.

"Put a ripe banana right into your favorite ear!" sang Type by way of confirmation. "It's true—"

"Says who?" Eragon demanded.

"—So true," Type continued. "Once it's in your gloom will disappear! The bad in the world is hard to hear when in your ear a banana cheers so go and put a banana in your ear!" Now the girls joined in, holding up the bananas that had somehow appeared around them. "Put a banana in your ear!"

"I'd rather keep my ear clear!" yelled Eragon, now looking very alarmed. The singing continued, with the girls now floating alongside Type. "You will never be happy if you live your life in fear! It's true—"

"Says you!" replied Eragon stubbornly.

Type continued alone. "—So true, when it's in the skies are bright and clear! On every day of every year! The sun shines bright on this big blue sphere so go and put a banana in your ear!" She disappeared in a ball of fire, and the girls were standing next to him as if nothing had happened.

"She burst into flame?" wondered Eragon.

"Go forth, magical amulet!" said Saturnina. "Return to the Banana King!" The amulet rose into the air, and a spotlight shone on Eragon.

"Eragon! YOU'RE the Banana King!" yelled Hilaria enthusiastically.

Eragon floated into the air towards the amulet. "Wait, wait a minute!" A banana appeared next to him. "You're the Banana King!" it said cheerfully.

"What, no I'm not! That doesn't make any sense!" Eragon yelled. More bananas appeared, each saying some variation of the original phrase. A crown appeared on Eragon's head, and realization slowly dawned. "I…I am the Banana King!"

"HOORAY!" shouted the three girls.

"I am the Banana King!" Eragon said. He looked around. There was no one there. "Um…where did everyone go?" The bananas too had disappeared. "Guys? What?"

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Eragon opened his eyes. The room was very dark; he guessed it was still the middle of the night. He lit a candle.

Saturnina, Hilaria and Thorn stood above him, holding bananas with faces drawn on them. They saw that he was awake, and dashed out of the room. Eragon stared after them, wondering just what could make someone have that kind of dream.

Saturnina's head appeared in the doorway. She looked very exhilarated.

"Oh no, what do you want?" groaned Eragon.

She didn't say anything for about a minute. Then—"Bloodloodlurp!"

"**Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" –Monty Python**

**I _refuse_ to offer any**** explanation for this chapter whatsoever, only that if you haven't seen **_**Charlie the Unicorn 2**_**, it can be found at flimcow(dot)com under "movies."**

**In the actual video, when they see the Z, the two unicorns start speaking in Spanish; I didn't feel like looking up the Spanish, but I found translations so I did it in Latin instead. It's mostly nonsense, and reads "The man with the hat sent us! He told us many amazing stories! Tonight we will eat turtles! They will be good, Z! I am happy!" Ho ho ho ho ho!**


	41. Oh Right, The Plot

**See that? Patience gets you updates! And plot! HOORAY! **_**WHO DOESN'T LOVE UPDATES AND PLOT?**_

**writer of the north: it comes and it goes, where it stops nobody knows…referring of course to my updates.**

**Draye: **_**Z!**_

**sock monkeys: (bows) thank you.**

**Apollamarine: weirdness is as weirdness does. Galby and Murtagh, huh? We **_**should**_** be prepared.**

**KarateGirl654: but he IS the Banana King!**

**Sparklegirl13: that's really all there is to say, isn't it?**

**Demoness Drakon: well, that's what I aim to do. (I WANT that shirt)**

**EmoDragonstar: I'll start designing my costume right away.**

**13: who doesn't?**

**paint the world black: **_**doesn't he**_**? It's awesome!**

**DragonRider2000: thank you!**

**Sarrebham1: 3 years sounds about right. The end is in sight (well, blurry sight, since it's still rather far-off, but I can see it, anyway).**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: right about now. (the funk soul brother!) um…ignore me!**

**Jedi totallyNsane: thanks!**

**silveraurora: thank you for your support! I do try my best.**

**: you can wait one more chapter.**

**Chapter Forty-One: Oh Right, The Plot**

"Jesus Christ, Galbatorix better get his ass in gear soon!" growled Saturnina. "We've been in Ellesmera for way too long! I need to quit this place!"

"Well, Eragon needs to, anyway. Paolini's obsessed with elves!" agreed Thorn violently. In the next room (Eragon's) (did you forget already that they live in his dining room?) they heard Eragon shouting something. Hilaria poked her head in the door to alert them that Blagden had just told Eragon some weird prophecy that she vaguely remembered from _Eldest_.

"Plot is happening!" was how she phrased it.

"Oh, right, the plot!" said Saturnina enthusiastically. "Finally!" They rushed into Eragon's room. The aforementioned Rider was pulling out a mirror.

"Having been told a strange message by a mad bird, Eragon decides the best thing to do is to stalk his crush," narrated Saturnina.

"Like in Twilight!" agreed Thorn enthusiastically.

They crowded around him as he scryed. Nasuada and the Varden Council of Elders appeared, as well as a hooded girl. They were seated around something, apparently floating in space. It would have made a lot more sense if they could actually see anything. Probably.

At Saphira's suggestion, Eragon decided he wanted to hear what was going on. "Our warriors can afford but one commander during this conflict," said Nasuada. "Decide who it is to be, Orrin, and quickly too."

"As you wish, the position is yours," replied someone they could only assume was Orrin. Hilaria and Thorn immediately agreed that he had a very nice voice indeed. Over the protests of his generals, it seemed that Nasuada had been made commander of the allied forces of Surda and the Varden.

It seemed that nothing more could be learned from the conversation, except that Arya was present and they were preparing for battle by the end of the week. Eragon canceled the spell. "She lives," he said.

_We are needed_, noted Saphira. The three girls trooped out of the room and Saturnina immediately began ranting. "WHY?" she yelled.

"Why what?" inquired Thorn.

"WHY does he automatically assume that whenever there's a battle, he is needed and the world will end if he doesn't help? WHY is he automatically the only factor that can save the world when everyone else has their own army and he's one guy?"

"One guy with a fire-breathing lizard on his side, with magical mind-raping powers and super strength," pointed out Hilaria.

Saturnina pouted. "But _why_ for once can't he just first ask if the actually need him? Why does he need to go running off on his own?" she whined.

"Because that's how the plot of these stories works!" claimed Thorn. "Nobody ever said it was written well."

"Oh, right, the plot…" said Saturnina dejectedly. "Egh. Ah well, let's go do what we always do!" She flounced out of the room.

Thorn perked up. "Time to eat chocolate pudding?"

Hilaria pulled her up and out the door. "She means tag along after Eragon and make fun of him." She paused. "Now I really want some pudding! We need to find some pudding like, right now!"

"It's high time we leave Ellesmera and confront our fate, whatever it may be," Eragon was saying. "For now, Roran must fend for himself, but the Varden…the Varden we can help."

_Is it time to fight, Eragon_? Saphira asked.

"Hell YEAH it is," announced Thorn.

_I was talking to Eragon,_ Saphira replied icily. _Eragon?_

"It is time," he announced solemnly, as Thorn rolled her eyes.

Everything was packed in minutes. The girls bid their farewells to the dining room, their headquarters which had seen so much plotting in the past weeks. Eragon ran off to go grab Orik while Saphira went to meet him in the field; the girls accompanied Eragon.

"Come! Things be happening!" intoned Saturnina.

"The fate of the world is at stake!" agreed Hilaria.

Eragon pushed them out of the way and entered the room. "Saphira and I are leaving," he explained, looking harassed. "I think they're coming, are you?"

"To Surda?" Orik smiled. "You'd have to clap me in irons before I'd stay behind. I've done nothing in Ellesmera but grow fat and lazy; a bit of excitement will do me good. When do we leave?"

"Immediately!" shouted Thorn, waving an apple with a smiley face drawn on it. "Apple commands us!" Saturnina shoved an orange, similarly decorated, in Orik's face. "Ignore her! Orange commands us!"

Eragon forced his way past them and he and Orik left the immediate area. Saturnina and Thorn briefly amused themselves with a mock battle between Orange and Apple, the end result being that Apple gained a new crown as the king of Fruitkind.

They caught up with Eragon and Saphira at Oromis's place. _You have taken it upon yourself to return to the Varden, have you not?_ Glaedr was saying. Saphira affirmed this.

"Why did you hide the truth from us?" demanded Eragon. "Are you so determined to keep us here that you must resort to such underhanded trickery? The Varden are about to be attacked and you didn't even mention it!"

"Maybe it just never came up?" suggested Hilaria, bored already. "Or maybe it would be a hell of a lot more convenient to have a properly trained Rider fight instead of a half-assed one? Heck, maybe they didn't even know what was going on?" She was quickly beginning to agree with Saturnina.

"Your companion is right," said Oromis, smiling softly. ("Companion?!" sputtered Hilaria in the background.) "We did not know until recently the extent of the threat."

"But why didn't you say anything?" Eragon refused to abandon his Righteous Indignation. "Why hasn't Islanzadi roused the elves, if we are indeed allies?"

"Maybe you're just unobservant," proposed Thorn.

"She has roused the elves," said Oromis, smiling again. "For the first time in over a century, our race is set to emerge from Du Weldenvarden and challenge our greatest foe. The time has come for elves to once more walk openly in Alagaesia. You have been distracted, Eragon. Now you must look beyond; the world demands your attention." Eragon had the grace to look properly ashamed.

"It's like he can't accept criticism unless it's said very gently," muttered Saturnina.

Oromis glanced in her direction briefly. "Before you go, I ask but one thing: that you and Saphira vow that—once events permit—you will return here to complete your training, for you still have much to learn." Saphira and Eragon pledged. The girls shrugged and also pledged, for no reason whatsoever but that they really wanted an excuse to come back here and annoy the elves again.

Oromis handed out some gifts he had prepared; Eragon accepted his belt, scroll and faelnirv. Thorn waved goodbye to Oromis. "I really liked that guy," she said contemplatively. They met up with Islanzadi, who looked at the girls with slight disapproval and seemed to cheer up imperceptibly when she learned they also were leaving, and then they retrieved Orik from where he was waiting.

"About time!" he declared. He glared at Saphira. "And how am I supposed to get up there?"

"Wingardium Leviosa!" yelled Saturnina, waving a stick at Orik. She was bummed out when it didn't work. Orik climbed onto Saphira, followed by the girls. Suddenly in the trees Saturnina caught sight of the elf known only as dragon-dude. She waved cheerfully at him, and he waved back, seeming slightly saddened that his only believer was leaving.

Saphira took off in a rush of wind and branches; the forest stretched out under them, in endless waves of leaves. Saphira rose quickly into the sky, wheeling over the forest until she aimed south, heading for the Hadarac Desert and Surda.

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"The environmentalists would have a fit about this one," observed Hilaria as they looked down to learn that the entirety of the Burning Plains were covered in brown clouds of smoke and fumes. "Although does this really count? Seeing as how it's not man-made or anything."

"It was caused by the dragons during a battle between the Forsworn and the Riders," Orik shouted over the wind as Saphira descended. "It could be considered man-made, though I don't know what you mean by that."

"L.A. has nothing on this, either way," yelled Thorn as they dropped through the clouds. The air cleared eventually, and the could see their destination.

The Varden's army, together with that of Surda, occupied one side of the fields. On the other side was row upon row upon row of Galbatorix's forces, stretching into the distance. The land in between was devoid of life and the Jiet River to the west looked just plain diseased.

"I imagine this is what Venus would look like if they ever colonize it," mentioned Saturnina. "From a few thousand miles up, the American southwest looks remarkably like the surface of Mars."

"What's Mars?" asked Eragon.

"Your mom." Any further discourse was interrupted by a flurry of arrows directed their way, which Eragon stopped before any harm could be done. The last one he grabbed out of midair like the showoff he was.

A hundred feet from the ground, Saphira opened her wings and came to a running stop among the Varden camp.

Saturnina, Hilaria and Thorn wandered off…"Angela! How's it going?" cried Saturnina as she caught sight of the herbalist. Angela tucked a bundle of mushrooms under her arm and greeted Hilaria and her. Thorn took this opportunity to be introduced to the coolest character in the books. They exchanged small talk for a while, until Eragon approached.

Angela's expression soured. "So you've returned, eh?"

"We have." At which point Angela began an impressive tirade regarding just how stupid Eragon was, how his ancestry must reflect that, what kind of punishments he deserved, and the like. It got to the point where Hilaria and Saturnina had both pulled out notebooks and were taking furious notes on her exact wording and how these insults could be applied for later usage.

Thorn watched in awe. "I think can die happily now," and she marched over and hugged Angela.

"**It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." –**_**Pride and Prejudice and Zombies**_**. I ****highly**** recommend it, but it should be noted that you absolutely MUST read **_**Pride and Prejudice**_** first.**

**Hey, exactly a month later! Not too bad, right? Right? Anyway, see you in a couple of days for the Battle of the Burning Plains and the Return of Murtagh! Also the end of _Eldest_ and the entry into uncharted waters (for the girls, anyway)**


	42. Majikal MindRaep Powers

**Good god, that didn't take forever or anything. For the next few weeks --you guessed it-- I'm working on a show (_Evita_) so no update for you! Maybe other stories. But not you. Anyway, I need a break from this for a while before we get on with _Brisingr_.**

**Schwarzes: Thanks!**

**Demoness Drakon: where would **_**Bothering Alagaesia**_** be without chaos?**

**sock monkeys: who says he doesn't? (because he's too 'noble' and 'heroic' to do so)**

**Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: you're very welcome!**

**Perminatly Lost In Thought: the adjective you're looking for is 'weird.'**

**sparklegirl13: about time, right?**

**Jedi totallyNsane: thanks!**

**13: well, Mara Jade (may I call you Mara?) we finally got them out of Ellesmera, which is more plot than we've covered in a long time.**

**Writer of the North: it happens. My record is much worse.**

**Apollamarine: They're not gonna know. They're just gonna wing it (be afraid)**

**WereCatsRule: oh dearie, no. I think I've mentioned that the girls aren't going to be Riders. They'll stick to Eragon like glue anyway, you see if they don't.**

**Chapter Forty-Two: Majikal MindRaep Powers**

"So, wait, we're working with Urgals now?" asked Saturnina.

Hilaria sighed. "I really hope we're allowed to watch when Eragon goes through their heads. He's really starting to annoy me with the whole look-at-me-I'm-part-elf holier-than-thou think."

"It's like racism," said Thorn, "only _better,_ because he's a total prick over the whole thing AND he decides the only way to convince himself they're trustworthy is to mind rape them with his Majikal MindRaep Powers."

"Majikal MindRaep Powers," said Saturnina contemplatively. "I like that. Can we copyright that? Does copyright exist in Alagaesia?"

It was night. The sky was covered by the clouds and smoke, but everything was visible due to the light of thousands of torches on both sides. Eragon and Saphira were at the front of the Varden camp; Saturnina, Hilaria and Thorn were with him.

"Hello, Orik," said Eragon as the dwarf approached them from behind.

"How'd you know it was me? I was shielding myself," asked Orik, shaking his head. "It's because he's the _Messiah_," said Thorn. "He's come to judge us all and cleanse the earth of the wicked come Judgment Day."

"What's Judgment Day?" asked Eragon. "And what's wrong with trying to bring down evil people?"

Hilaria sighed. "Are you completely missing the point of that little encounter or what? Wasn't the main idea that you shouldn't judge people based on their stereotypes? And what defines 'evil' anyway? Is it just someone you don't like?" Saturnina quietly patted her on the shoulder in solidarity.

_Honestly, at times I comprehend not a word of what you say._ This deserved special notice, as Saphira rarely deigned to talk to them.

"We honor your judgment, O Great One." Thorn bowed. A sudden thought occurred to her. "Hey, Rider-sama, what would happen if there was another Rider?"

Eragon thought this over for a minute. "Well, I guess we'd have another ally."

"No, like, on the Empire's side."

More thinking was required. "Probably I'd have to kill him," Eragon eventually decided. "I don't think the Varden would be able to deal with two enemy Riders." The girls exchanged smirking glances. Eragon shrugged and turned to Orik. "What do you think of Nasuada's deal with the Urgals?"

Orik was a smart person. "She made the right choice. I don't like it any more than you, but I agree with her." Utterly unable to follow this line of conversation, Eragon turned away and stared at the battlefield.

Hours passed much the same as they had before the battle at Tronjheim: that is, Saturnina rediscovered her Uno deck and a new game began.

"Uno!" proclaimed Orik as he put down his second to last card. It was a blue 7. It had come down to a death match between him and Hilaria, who now looked at her cards furiously, and slammed down a Wild card with the declaration that the color was now red. Alas, Orik's last card was also a Wild, and the game was his.

"Oh, hello Angela!" announced Saturnina, looking over Eragon's shoulder and seeing the witch and the werecat approaching. The thing was, they were approaching from the enemy's side of the field. "What brings you to our tournament? Would you care to enter the next game?"

"Ooh, yes, I would," said Angela, looking at the game.

"Wait, wait a minute," said Eragon before she could sit down with them. "What were you doing on that side of the field?"

"Oh, this and that," she replied with a small smile. "Don't you trust me?"

"Not really," Eragon admitted.

"Good! You'll live longer. If you must know, I was doing my best to help defeat the Empire, only _my_ methods don't involve yelling and running around with a sword." She folded her cloak into a small ball before sitting down to join the girls at Uno.

"And what are your methods?" asked Orik.

Angela shuffled the deck and patted the ground, gesturing Eragon to sit next to her. "I'd rather not say, I want it to be a surprise. It'll start in a few hours anyway."

"I like these methods!" Thorn chimed in. Orik was not satisfied, and kept grilling her (to no avail) until Nasuada arrived just in time to confirm that yes, Angela had been given permission to cross lines.

In fact, Nasuada's arrival signaled the appearance of more plot, because she'd brought four Urgals with her. Orik jumped and swore when he saw this, before regaining his composure. This could mean only one thing: "It's time for Majikal MindRaep Powers!" squealed Saturnina.

"I need to put that on a T-shirt if we ever get back to the real world," said Hilaria. "That would be _awesome_. Walking around with '_It's time for Majikal MindRaep Powers!_' on your chest? Priceless."

"What are _magical mind-rape powers_?" asked Orik, appropriately bewildered.

"You're saying it wrong!" whined Thorn. "It's _Majikal MindRaep Powers!_ Get it right!" Naturally, Orik heard no difference whatsoever. And, in all the commotion, they'd managed to miss the MindRaep.

_It takes courage to admit you were wrong,_ said Saphira to Eragon.

"Or maybe he just realized how stupid he was," muttered Hilaria. "It's like character development gone horribly wrong."

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Gradually the murky sky grew lighter and lighter when Trianna informed Eragon that it was time. The Varden army slipped out of their defenses—_What was the point of building a defense if they were gonna walk past it anyway?_ wondered Saturnina—and quietly marched across the field through the mists to the Empire's camp. They made it three-quarters of the way over before they were spotted. Any and all pretenses of secrecy were immediately dropped, and Nasuada began a battle cry. "To me, men of the Varden! Fight to win back your homes. Fight to guard your wives and children! Fight to overthrow Galbatorix! Attack and bathe your blades in the blood of our enemies! Charge!"

"That's cheerful," commented Thorn and the deafening noises of battle began.

"FOR NARNIA!" screeched Saturnina as a general charge began. The two armies collided. Eragon immediately began searching for enemy spellcasters. "MindRaep MindRaep MindRaep…" Hilaria sang into his ear.

At this point the enemy began to recover from the initial assault. "Catapults are SIEGE WEAPONS!" shrieked Hilaria as exploding balls of liquid fire crashed down among them. "YOU DON'T USE CATAPULTS IN OPEN BATTLE! And they call themselves strategists!" she said more calmly to Saturnina. Eragon took control of the men manning the machines, and they were disabled shortly.

An hour passed as Eragon sought the magicians and discovered that they were ordered not to kill him or Saphira. "That's weird," he muttered.

"She's a girl dragon," Thorn pointed out. "Who knows what the eggs are? Maybe he needs to breed more dragons." Nasuada appeared beside them. "Eragon! I need you to show yourselves…we need a Rider."

And then the real bloodshed happened, but the girls didn't see most of it since they dove out of Eragon's way once he went berserker and started attacking for real. They stayed behind him, more out of a sense of self-preservation than anything else: he wouldn't run them over if he couldn't see them, and few live soldiers got past him.

"Say what you will about him," panted Saturnina. "He's a jackass, but a damned terrifying one!"

The hours passed on with no end in sight. Every man down was replaced by another new Empire soldier ready to take his place. Slowly but surely, the Varden were being pushed back and there was really nothing anyone could do about it.

"I really wish Murtagh would hurry his ass up," grumbled Thorn. "This is just taking way too long." The hide-behind-Eragon strategy was working wonderfully, with the bonus that any soldiers who did live usually weren't much of a threat to anyone. Although it was a good thing Hilaria had magic, or else Saturnina would have a lovely tetanus infection on her shoulder right about now.

When suddenly, there was a shout. "A ship! A ship is coming up the Jiet River!"

Hilaria squealed and Thorn and Saturnina exchanged excited glances. "I think Roran's gonna hate us," said Hilaria fondly.

Saturnina and Thorn agreed happily as Eragon, who didn't hear them, flew away to deal with this new situation. Upon his return, he looked a bit dazed, and almost got himself killed when he failed to notice that not everyone was as shell-shocked as he was. Saturnina smacked him on the head, which seemed to help.

And again the day wore on with no end in sight. Repetitive, no? Aren't you getting battle fatigue just reading this? Just imagine how it must have felt for the people actually fighting this battle, you ungrateful bastards. Especially for the ones on the losing side. Also, me. You think it's easy to make a day-long battle interesting? Thank GOD it's almost over. Oh, sorry, did I just spoil it for you? _Well you should have read the books first, shouldn't you!_ Ahem. Glad to get that out of my system. We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

The sun was beginning to set, and it was right about the time when the girls started wondering if timely halts were ever called when night came during battles. We may never know the answer, as this was the point where horns were heard ringing from the rear of the Empire's forces. A dark shape rose into the sky and made its way to the Varden's side of the field and was soon revealed to be a blood red dragon with a Rider on its back.

Hilaria went nearly catatonic with glee.

Eragon, however, looked like his eyebrows were about to pop off his face as his eyes widened in alarm. He leaped onto Saphira and they flew off to meet this new foe in the air. The girls retreated to where they knew the two would land, content to wait it out.

"Although," said Thorn, "it does make you wonder why he does _that_," she said, pointing at Hrothgar, who had been DeathByMurtagh'd a few seconds ago.

Saturnina agreed. "It sort of throws a wrench in the 'he's really a good guy' theory, doesn't it?"

"He's very nice, just misunderstood!" insisted Hilaria. "Honestly, he—_**MURTY-POO!**_" she squealed, dropping the conversation and running towards the recently-unhelmeted Murtagh. This was followed by a "squee!" a glomp, two thuds and an "oof!" as she was joined by Thorn and Saturnina.

"It feels like I haven't seen you in AGES!" gasped Saturnina.

"Murty-poo?" repeated an outraged Murtagh. "And who are you?" he asked Thorn.

"I'm Thorn! Friend of theirs! Nice to meet you!" she replied, shaking his hand enthusiastically.

"Am I the only one surprised here?" Eragon asked, looking at the scene before him. "Why am I the only one surprised here?"

_I'm very surprised,_ said Saphira.

Thorn the dragon brought his face right up against that of Thorn the hyperactive earthling. _Why do we have the same name._

"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Eragon's desperate plea for information brought them all back to the present. Murtagh facepalmed and pushed the girls away from him. "To make a _long_ story short, I'm not dead, I have a dragon, Galbatorix knows my true name, and I've been forced into working for him."

"I can see that," Eragon replied, surveying the situation. "For some reason I'm still confused."

"It's really very simple," said Murtagh, "but maybe all this at once is too much for you."

Eragon agreed. "Maybe a little bit. Also, why are none of them confused?" He gestured at the girls; Hilaria was introducing Thorn and Saturnina to Thorn (no attempts will be made to clarify. One speaks in italics, the other doesn't. That's really all you need).

Murtagh rubbed the back of his head. "I don't know what crazy story she told you, but Hilaria was actually captured with me. And please don't accuse her of being a spy, because anyone and everyone in Uru'baen will agree that she was too crazy for Galbatorix." Eragon couldn't reply.

_I can believe that!_ snorted Saphira emphatically. _Shouldn't you be fighting or something?_

"Honestly, he's so shell-shocked it would be pathetically easy to capture him right now," Murtagh sighed. "It would just feel like cheating." With that, he punched Eragon in the stomach and grabbed Zar'roc while the Rider was thus distracted.

"Listen up, because I'm only saying this once," announced Murtagh with his foot on Eragon's chest. "My mother and your mother: Selena. Morzan is our father, and I am your older brother. Therefore this sword is technically mine."

"Wait, _what?_ That's not possible!" protested Eragon.

"Isn't it?" asked Murtagh. "You and I, we're mirror images of each other."

"I don't have a scar anymore," snarled Eragon.

"Whoa, hey now!" objected Saturnina. "You say that like having a disfiguring scar automatically makes someone bad! Didn't we just talk about not stereotyping, right before you used your Majikal MindRaep Powers to judge the Urgals?"

"It's not like he thought that way when he had a scar, either," Thorn pointed out. "It just made him a sympathetic character. But oh no, Murtagh has a scar too? And suddenly he's evil? There must be some connection!"

"Okay, okay! I get it!" cried Eragon. "Sorry that I'm a little overwhelmed right now!"

"Right…" Murtagh for a moment was just as confused as anyone else. He recovered soon enough. "Well, so be it. I take my inheritance from you, brother. Farewell." He climbed onto Thorn and flew away.

Eragon sat there for a moment, then picked himself up and made his way across the battlefield. "Dude, are you okay?" asked Thorn.

"I think I need to be alone for a bit," he said, voice shaking with exhaustion. The battle was over; sometime during the struggle, Roran had killed the Twins. Without their power, the Empire called it quits and retreated.

They watched him walk towards Nasuada's tent. "Maybe we were a bit hard on him," said Saturnina.

"Mm," agreed Hilaria. They stood in silence for a bit.

"You know what happens now, though, right?" asked Saturnina eventually.

"Mm," agreed Thorn, nodding. "_Brisingr!_"

* * *

"**And as for Fortune, and as for Fame, I never invited them in/Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired." –Eva Peron, **_**"**_**Don't Cry for me Argentina,"**_** Evita**_

**Well! That's Eldest over and done with! I'm rather annoyed that I actually have to reread Brisingr now. I only read it once—the first time—and have felt no particular desire to do so again. Do you see what I'm sacrificing for you?**

**This chapter was originally to be called "Majikal MindRaep Powers and the Return of MurtyPoo." Unfortunately, that title was too long. Such is life. I think I'll start calling him that from now on. See ya!**


	43. Freud's Wet Dream

**Once again, I realized with two days to go that an anniversary of this story was approaching…only this time, clearly, I didn't make it. I'm sorry, there was **_**Evita**_** and midterms and a Latin class trip to Rome and **_**Antigone,**_** and OHMYGOD the college process and SAT tutoring. It's a problem when I'm using my college mail as bookmarks, guys.**

**Has it really been **_**four years?**_** Wow. Well, happy fourth anniversary to Bothering Alagaesia…oh, and welcome to **_**Brisingr!**_** I've read this book exactly once, the first day it was published, and I can't say I'm looking forward to repeating the experience, but at least I don't have to take it seriously this time! Depending, we might actually make it through a serious chunk of this thing. Enjoy!**

**Chapter Forty-Three: Freud's Wet Dream**

"So if someone had a really sick amputation fetish," began Saturnina.

Sensing where this was going and moving immediately to stop it, Hilaria butted in. "—They would find this incredibly arousing, yes, yes, let's _not_ go there please?"

"Ruin all my fun, why don't you."

They were at Helgrind, staking out the mountain. Eragon was doing all that he could to ignore them, while Roran tried his hardest to understand who these girls in strange clothes were and why they were completely unlike every other woman he'd ever met, in the worst ways possible.

The reason Saturnina mentioned amputation fetishes (as if she needed a reason) was the sight before them: what appeared to be a long line of worshippers going from Dras-Leona towards Helgrind, all of whom were missing at least one body part. The leader was not much more than a torso and a head.

"What do they do when they eventually have to behead someone?" wondered Thorn.

"Better question," said Hilaria as the worshippers began to drink their leader's blood, "what do they do if the guy has AIDS or something?"

"I'm pretty sure you can't get AIDS that way."

"What's AIDS?" asked Roran.

Thorn rolled her eyes. "Just remember to use protection when you eventually get married," she said, patting his cheek.

* * *

Roran was lying on his back gazing at the sky, dark now that it was nighttime. Saturnina sat cross-legged next to him. "So, Roran. Let's talk about you. How do you feel?"

"What? How do I feel about what?"

Hilaria gestured vaguely. "You know, stuff? Eragon? How do you feel about Eragon? Or, if you're too much of a pansy to rail him out to his face, what do you think about in your spare time?"

The new round of questioning was brought on by the fact that for the last fourteen-ish minutes, Eragon had been staring moodily into space. "So, we're at the night before an action sequence, and Paolini writes him into a contemplative slump?" Hilaria had asked in disgust. She now turned her attentions back to the erstwhile cousin.

"I don't know. People I've killed, mostly." Eragon blinked slowly and came back to his senses as Roran continued to talk about two innocent men he'd killed for getting in his way, and how he'd never dreamed his life would take this course. Standard fish-out-of-habitual-water musings, nothing unusual.

"I've been thinking," said Eragon after a pause.

"Well, that's always a good start," encouraged Saturnina. "Thinking about anyone—I'msorry_anything_ in particular?" Eragon didn't catch the slip.

"I'm not so sure if we could as easily handle the Ra'zac as we thought possible. There's a thousand ways to do something, but you only need one way to counter it, if you can prevent the spell from taking place at all." At this point Saphira decided she would add her two cents.

_Over the past century, Galbatorix—_

"—may have placed wards around the Ra'zac—"

—_that will protect them against—_

"—a whole range of spells. I probably won't—"

—_be able to kill them with any—_

"—of the words of death I was taught, nor any—"

—_attacks that we can invent now or then. We may—_

"have to rely—"

"Oh, my god, stop!" declared Thorn and Roran at the same time.

"What, so now you think at the same time?" wondered Hilaria. "Join the hive mind, Saturnina!"

"Can't, there's only one egg left, and Paolini sure as hell won't make _me_ the next Rider."

Eragon waved them away. "My point is, there's probably any number of wards around Helgrind that would make it near-impossible to conquer with magic. We may have to rely on force more than I originally planned."

"And this only just now occurred to you?" asked Saturnina. "I mean, god! You only spent months learning about this stuff from the hippies!"

Eragon wasn't quite sure what a hippie was, but he reasoned that it probably wasn't a respectful term. "Don't call them that!"

"This magic is tricky business," said Roran. "Could you make me as strong and fast as you are?" His tone of voice left the listeners in no doubt of Roran's blind admiration of his cousin.

Thorn leaned to whisper into Hilaria's ear as Eragon explained why he couldn't. "I'm getting a very, _very_ bad feeling about this."

"Then, can you teach me to use magic?" Roran asked. "Not now, of course. We don't have time, and I don't expect one can become a magician overnight anyway. But in general, why not? You and I are cousins. We share much of the same blood. And it would be a valuable skill to have."

Eragon shrugged. "I'm not sure how someone who isn't a Rider learns magic."

"I did!" yelled Hilaria triumphantly, reminding everyone of a plot device that all of them, including their author, tended to conveniently forget. "But I don't know how. And I'm not teaching you, it's much more fun to watch you squirm."

Roran and Eragon glared at her; the latter picked up a small rock. "Here, take this and say 'stenr risa.'" Predictably, nothing happened. Roran tried again and, to nobody's surprise, nothing continued to happen. "Well, keep trying," said Eragon. "But if anything _does_ happen, come to me immediately. You could kill yourself or others if you experiment with magic without knowing the rules."

"Just like sex!" declared Saturnina.

"Except not at all!" continued Hilaria.

"You really love her, don't you?" said Eragon quietly. Off to the side, Saturnina glomped Hilaria before realizing he had been talking to his cousin. "How did it happen?"

"I liked her. She liked me. What importance are the details?"

"You courted her, then? Aside from using me to ferry compliments to Katrina, how else did you proceed?" Eragon asked, perhaps _too_ interestedly. Thorn and Hilaria exchanged glances.

Roran hid a small grin. "You ask like one who seeks instruction."

The three girls nodded fervently. Eragon objected loudly and immediately. "I did not! You're imagining—"

"Come now," continued Roran. "I know when you're lying. The elves may have given you a new face, but that hasn't changed. What is it that exists between you and Arya? Be honest. You dote upon he words as if each one were a diamond, and your gaze lingers upon her as if you were starving and she a grand feast arrayed an inch beyond your reach."

"Perceptive _and_ poetic! I like you," announced Saturnina.

Eragon fought bravely to save his face. "Arya is an elf," he muttered, losing.

Roran would not stop. "And very beautiful. Pointed ears and slanted eyes are small flaws when compared with her charms. You look like a cat yourself now."

_At what point did Eragon turn into a furry?_ wondered Thorn.

Saphira decided to skip the small-talk and move straight into gossip. _If he fancied her any more, I'd be trying to kiss Arya myself. You should go to sleep. It's late, and we must rise early tomorrow._

Eragon stared at the sky and waited for his face to stop turning red. "I just wish we had a few days to rest before we storm Helgrind. My limbs still ache, and I have more bruises than I can count. Look…" He pulled up his sleeve to expose a long yellowing bruise on his arm.

"Ha!" exclaimed Roran. "You call that tiny mark a bruise? I'll show you a bruise a real man can be proud of." He displayed a wide black stripe across his leg. Hilaria had some small sense of what was happening here, and her face displayed some strange spasm as she simultaneously fought the urges to laugh and vomit.

"Impressive, but I have even better," said Eragon, showing them a large blotch on his rib cage and then two on both his arms.

Now Roran showed a jumble of coin-sized blue spots on his back; Eragon was not impressed. "Those are pinpricks! I have one that puts those to shame," and dropped trou, showing off a veritable rainbow on the inside of his thighs.

It is interesting to note that at this point, Eragon was pantsless, and Roran was quickly ridding himself of his shirt, in their mutual attempts to one-up the other regarding the size of their…_injuries_. Speculate at your own risk, and that is all we shall say about that. Also be aware that at no point in the narrative does Paolini make explicit reference to either one actually reclothing themselves. Consider that for a moment.

"I can't help but wonder why, oh _why_ this is necessary," Saturnina said in a pained tone of voice. "It is generally agreed, although not universally, that you're very impressive and manly warriors. And when I say not universally I mean that I still think you're kind of a pussy."

"And when she says that she means Eragon will you _please_ put your pants back on," begged Thorn. "Roran, I'm sure you're very attractive, but your manly man bruises aren't helping your case right now."

Roran disagreed. "I'll have you know that comparing injuries is a normal and perfectly respectable way of comparing oneself to your comrades."

Hilaria made a face. "And I'll have you know that it's generally considered rude to go pantsless in front of a lady if you don't plan to sleep with her." Eragon did a double-take, looked at the ground, and immediately put his pants back on.

* * *

"**He removed both his boots, then stood and dropped his trousers, so that his only garb was his shirt and woolen underpants. "Top that if you can," he said, and pointed to the inside of his thighs." –page 30**

**What is **_**wrong**_** with this chapter?!?**


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